Most images have been removed to prevent chafing.
His comments, meant to praise the Hezbollah resistance movement, instead focused on wildlife and conservation.
"I would like ... to salute the proud rulers of the dark jungle, who carry the struggle for evolution in one hand, and hope someday for an opposable thumb on the other," said the crown prince. His comments marked the first time a senior Saudi official has publicly supported any member of the family Pongidae.
"Their struggle proves the ability of anthropoids to regain their rights and dignity," he said. The Saudi leader also presented an aid package for National Wildlife Foundation worth $130m.
The crown prince is the latest in a string of Arab leaders to mistakenly praise manlike apes.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak visited Lebanon in February, the first time an Egyptian head of state has visited the country in almost half a century, and condemned the "irrational violence against our nearest relatives next to chimpanzees."
Staffers in Lebanon say they will try to clear up the confusion when Jordanian Foreign Minister Abdel IIah al-Khatib and Iranian Deputy Foreign Minister Mohammad al-Sadr come to Beirut in the next few days.
"We don't have much hope though. Arabic royalty rarely listens past the first word. You say 'praise the guerillas,' and they're off watching the Discovery Channel before you know it."
A clerical error in an executive directive explains why the War on Drugs has not succeeded as well as hoped.
Several departments in the government's security agencies received smudged copies of orders that read "War on Bugs."
"Our men in the Amazon have been busily burning rainforests, decimating literally millions of species of insects," said an unnamed source at the National Security Agency. "Then we get back and find out that not only had we misidentified the enemy, but the environmentalists are pissed."
The Government Accounting Office estimates that half of the money meant to battle cocaine and heroine traffickers has been squandered on bug sprays, fly paper, flame throwers, and mosquito nets.
"Now that we've realized the error, we can really get to work," said another anonymous source. "Yeah! Let's get out there and stop those duck dealers."
BEAVER, MANITOBA, CANADA -- Wilma Sprintner, 42, of Beaver announced today the discovery of what she calls "the other line."
Sprintner said she's often heard of people being on the "other line" but had never experienced it herself. She dismissed it as a myth for years until last weekend.
"I called my friend Myrtle, she lives in Winnipeg don't you know, and apparently it beeped on her call waiting, because she told me she was on the other line," Sprintner recalls. "But then when she clicked over, she actually came back to me ... and suddenly I was on the other line too."
When asked what the other line is like, a dreamy expression came into Sprintner's eyes. "It's kind of like a party line, eh?" she explained. "All these people hang out there. And you never get put on hold."
"We still don't quite understand it," says Orville Rampax, director of Bell Telephone's Investigations and Cover-Ups Department, Canadian Division. "It seems to be a generalized phenomenon, as opposed to a localized anomaly. I haven't had a case this hard since we had to pretned we broke up the phone monopoly. Better service, ha! That one still gets me."
Sprintner's phone records show that she's been inundated with calls since her discovery, presumably from people wanting to know how they can get to the other line.
"The irony is," say the intrepid telespelunker, "I can't take their calls right now, because I'm on the other line. If they only knew."
WASHINGTON - All four major presidential candidates announced today they would set aside their differences and run for office as one.
The candidates have petitioned to be added to the ballot as Al-Bill-George-John Bradley-Bush-Gore-McCain of the Democrat-Republican party.
When asked who came up with the idea, the four men said in unison, "all of us."
"See, we're always doing stuff like that," said G. W. Bush.
As the press conference wore on, it became difficult to tell one candidate from another. AP has decided to attribute quotes from later in the press conference to "the new candidate."
"We realized we weren't helping anyone with our bickering and sniping. Our parties really have no major differences. So we're joining forces for the good of everyone," the new candidate said.
The latest polls show Bradley-Bush-Gore-McCain with 90 percent of the vote, Buchanan with 5 percent, 3 percent undecided, and 2 percent in a terminal coma from political apathy.
HOLLYWOOD - Six months ago Tyrone Dye (a.k.a Tyedye), reporter for SuBBrilliant News, published a bit about a stand up comedian's act seriously injuring his audience. But what began as a snicker has now evolved into the discovery of the largest Joke Ring Conspiracy ever uncovered. Imagine his surprise when on March 1 of this year, Dye read a distinctively bootlegged version of his article splashed across the pages of The Onion, an otherwise first rate comedy paper.
While his attorney, Jimmy Joe Pickens of San Andreas, prepared the complicated paperwork to pursue a lawsuit, Dye swore out a theft complaint with the Internet Cops, a Copyright Task Force who work in cooperation with the Sally Struthers Holistic Home Correspondence School Ethics Department and the National Rifle Association. In a daring midnight raid upon The Onion's corporate offices, a whole cache of stolen jokes, gags, parodies and lampooneries were found in The Onion's writers Lounge. Some entire skits were discovered that had not yet been broken down and sold for parts.
Facing a possible 10 year sentence for plagiarism, writer Lazlo Pilfer broke down and ratted his co-conspirators out, giving authorities an inside look into the workings of the gang. Pilfer told how some pathetically unimaginative Onion hack "writers" would loiter around street corners, bowling alleys, or Elk Lodge dinners with their ears peeled for unprotected jokes. Other writers, "high tech geek types" with an aptitude in electronics, cruised the Internet for satire sources and intercepted humor from alien transmissions using their HAM Radios.
Pilfer described the atmosphere in the writer's lounge when a funny joke had been stolen. "Cha-ching, Cha-ching! Money in the bank baby." When asked about his co-workers and how they might fare in prison, he said, "Editor Mitchell Pinch was always cracking us up at staff parties wearing that lampshade. Do they have lampshades in the Joint?"
While the majority of the stolen jokes were funny, not all were. The comedy chop shop gang would sell the worst of the stockpiled gags on the black market to "Mad TV", a Warner Brothers TV show. The suspected mastermind behind the comedy capers was none other than The Onion's Assistant Editor, Brandon Klepto. Because of their unquenchable thirst for fame and profit, the gang didn't know when to stop. The sole member of the writing staff to escape the plagiarism bust was Fester Filch, whose Lexus was later found at the Chicago International Airport with a trunk full of jokes and $55,000 in cash.
Said Dye, "They are remorseless. Even after I sent a creatively threatening copyright infringement letter to them, they published it under another author's name and now send it out to the lowlifes who steal from them."
Publisher of The Onion, Eve Embezzle, said that the shamelessly pathetic satire paper would continue, despite the temporary loss of their writing staff, while the cops sort out just who is specifically to blame. "Comedy writers and satirists are a dime a dozen. We'll just steal some more from "ComedyZine."
© 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye
WEST ORANGE, New Jersey - In an effort to promote unity among the Democratic party, Bill Bradley today quit the presidential campaign and said he "fully supports the lying, flip-flopping Al Gore for president."
Speaking at a withdrawal news conference, the former New Jersey senator said, "I am convinced that, despite Gore's lies and distortions, his involvement in fundraising scandals and impeachment, and his flip-flopping from former conservative positions, he really won't be all that bad a President, assuming Americans get over their difficulty in trusting him and actually vote for the liar."
After the conference, Bradley sent an email message of support to the vice president because, Bradley said, "Gore would probably prefer that to a phone call, considering he has the pathological delusion that he invented the Internet."
But Bradley said he will not release the delegates that he did win in early primaries, saying he hoped to be able to point out at the Democratic National Convention that "despite the fact that Gore spent his entire Congressional career in the back pocket of the tobacco companies, at least he's not a Republican. Allegedly."
Bradley also rejected the idea of running for vice president on a Gore ticket. "I fully support Gore for president, but it would be hypocritical of me to join his anti-gun control, anti-choice ticket of corruption."
WASHINGTON - All four major presidential candidates announced today they would set aside their differences and run for office as one.
The candidates have petitioned to be added to the ballot as Al-Bill-George-John Bradley-Bush-Gore-McCain of the Democrat-Republican party.
When asked who came up with the idea, the four men said in unison, "all of us."
"See, we're always doing stuff like that," said G. W. Bush.
As the press conference wore on, it became difficult to tell one candidate from another. AP has decided to attribute quotes from later in the press conference to "the new candidate."
"We realized we weren't helping anyone with our bickering and sniping. Our parties really have no major differences. So we're joining forces for the good of everyone," the new candidate said.
The latest polls show Bradley-Bush-Gore-McCain with 90 percent of the vote, Buchanan with 5 percent, 3 percent undecided, and 2 percent in a terminal coma from political apathy.
LONDON - James Cameron announced an epic autobiographical film entitled "Me, Myself - This Great Guy." The oscar-winning director of Titanic stated that he wanted to "blow all previous biopics out of the water forever."
Cameron will use a battery of revolutionary camera and computer including the OrganVewCam, a variation on the miniature cameras currently used in some medical procedures to view the patient's body from the inside.
"The typical med camera only gives you a 2-d image of your innards," said Cameron, "but the OrganVewCam will methodically map out three-dimensional models of anywhere it's sent." Cameron plans to use these models to build a vast computer simulation of his entire physical inner landscape.
"Portions of the film will consist of slow, lyrical voyages through my insides," said the director, "-kinda like the long, trippy end sequence of 2001, but better."
At other, highly dramatic points of the film Cameron plans to use a split-screen technique to show external and internal action simultaneously. For instance, the audience will see the hightened pumping of Cameron's heart and the violent flexing of Cameron's arm muscles as he yanks an assistant off a camera crane for dollying in too slowly.
Cameron also plans to map his mother and father with the OrganVewCam, so that their models can be used by Pixar to create an insider's view of Cameron's conception. The animation in this sequence, the director promised, "will kick Fantasia's ass all over the map."
The other great innovation of the film is the CameronTRON, a device that will reveal the spiritual and emotional internal workings of the director. The CameronTRON won't be used during actual filming, but instead will be installed in every theater where the movie will be shown - one CameronTRON per seat.
At key points, the CameronTRON will painlessly inject the viewer with chemicals to induce a simulation of what Cameron is currently experiencing on screen - for instance, a a feeling of awe towards his own god-like genius.
"Actually, that's the only feeling-simulation we've needed so far," noted the director.
WEST ORANGE, New Jersey - In an effort to promote unity among the Democratic party, Bill Bradley today quit the presidential campaign and said he "fully supports the lying, flip-flopping Al Gore for president."
Speaking at a withdrawal news conference, the former New Jersey senator said, "I am convinced that, despite Gore's lies and distortions, his involvement in fundraising scandals and impeachment, and his flip-flopping from former conservative positions, he really won't be all that bad a President, assuming Americans get over their difficulty in trusting him and actually vote for the liar."
After the conference, Bradley sent an email message of support to the vice president because, Bradley said, "Gore would probably prefer that to a phone call, considering he has the pathological delusion that he invented the Internet."
But Bradley said he will not release the delegates that he did win in early primaries, saying he hoped to be able to point out at the Democratic National Convention that "despite the fact that Gore spent his entire Congressional career in the back pocket of the tobacco companies, at least he's not a Republican. Allegedly."
Bradley also rejected the idea of running for vice president on a Gore ticket. "I fully support Gore for president, but it would be hypocritical of me to join his anti-gun control, anti-choice ticket of corruption."
HOLLYWOOD - Fearing that moviegoers may be tiring of films based on original material, film distributors are set to release a series of sequels to previously released titles.
The sequel to "Four Weddings and A Funeral," called "Four Divorces and A Reincarnation" will feature Hugh Grant as a prominent divorce attorney with a nervous tick. Details of the reincarnation scene are being kept a secret, but Shirley MacLaine is reported to have a cameo role.
"The End of the Affair" sequel is tentatively called "The Beginning of the Sexual Harassment Lawsuit" but no details have yet to be released. The "Titanic" sequel - called "Where the Mob Victims Lie" - will be an underwater thriller involving the gruesome discovery of dead bodies and some really bad china patterns.
A planned sequel to "The Big Chill" - called "The Unusually Mild Winter" - will feature a reunion of skin cancer survivors who lament the depletion of the ozone layer and reminisce about sunbathing with nothing but baby oil on their skin.
In the sequel to "Coccoon," the seniors who swam in the fountain of youth return to earth and volunteer at polling places across the country.
BRUSSELS - Building on the success of their redefinition of chocolate, the European Parliament announced several more.
Cheese will no longer only refer to sun-spoiled fetid milk curd but now include anything made of milk that isn't a liquid. Brie manufacturers and the entire nation of France protested the decision.
The Parliament also redefined bribery to mean "when an unpopular person is caught taking money to influence rather unimportant things like the Olympics."
The list of redefinitions runs for 135 pages and includes new definitions of many European regulations, traditions, and the entire nation of Belgium.
Anar Sehk's business is booming.
This native of India grew up in the Sunderban rainforest.
When the 29 year old noticed that the New York City police force was behaving remarkably like the royal bengal tigers of his homeland, he began producing the crude half-masks his ancestors used to avoid being attacked from behind by vicious predators.
"Meant to be worn on the back of the head", said Sehk, " masks fool police and tigers to belief they are being watched by painted-on eyes. Police and tgers no like to be watched when they attack."
At $14.95 (plus shipping and handling), the masks, when worn correctly, seem to be working. There have been no reported attacks on wearers by either police or tigers in NYC.
Anar stressed that the masks are not foolproof and that some police officers may eventually figure out the ploy.
Mask orders are being taken by writing SuBBrilliant News. Sorry, no C.O.D.
BEVERLY HILLS - Adding to the Academy Awards show's surreal troubles, Oscar ceremony host Billy Crystal has disappeared and is presumed to have been stolen.
The Bell California Storage Company, which stores the popular entertainer between Oscar ceremonies, had no comment.
Los Angeles police and the Walt Disney Animatronics Division that created the Billy Crystal Host, are investigating, said Academy executive director Phillip Cassidy.
The diminutive host-in-perpetuity was packed in a wooden storage crate, encased in shrink-wrap and weighed about 200 pounds, meaning whoever stole him would have needed a forklift and was probably preparing to film a wan romantic comedy.
Academy officials said Friday that the show, set to air on March 26 without completed ballots or enough statues for the winner, "must go on."
"We have not contacted David Letterman," Cassidy said, "so there's still a chance the show won't suck."