Most images have been removed to prevent chafing.
LONDON - In a dramatic announcement, spokespersons for the Royal Astronomical Society announced today that a worldwide conspiracy has existed since the 1920s to keep the public ignorant of the lack of astronomical discoveries.
"Sure lots of people guessed the moon landing was faked, and saw through our Mars problems, but it's much more far-ranging than that," said Doctor Phil Stevens, of the University of London. "Astrophysics reached a wall in the twenties, and scientists were deathly afraid of losing their cushy positions. So Planck and Heisenberg and later Einstein, started making shit up. I mean think about relativity. There's a reason it doesn't make any sense. But you throw a bunch of equations up there and everybody believes it.
When asked about advances like computers and atomics, the scientists replied that these worked on purely Newtonian mechanical grounds and could have come about much earlier.
"The ironic thing about it," said Dr. Mario Ambrusci, "is the way everyone marvels over the speed of advances. we discovered practically everything before 1910 but we've been rationing out discoveries since then."
The scientists have decided to come clean because they face the problem of having no new inventions.
"After flooding the market with VCRs, fax machines and personal computers, we pretty much shot our wad," said Dr. Stevens. "We've got a few more new things, but mostly just bigger and faster of what we've already got. We've used up the treaure trove. The charade is over."
While many of the scientists are determined to keep trying to discover something new, most have announced they will retire to the country, or take jobs in offices.
The international community warned the nation of Fiji in stern terms not stray from the practice of democracy
"Democracy is the only way to protect freedom, and improve the quality of life," said a spokesperson for the United Nations. "If you do not bring about democracy we will use force, and annihilate your pathetic island."
Fijians are unhappy with their governments difficulties, inclusing martial law. However, many are concerned about the rampant homelessness, concentration of wealth in a small percentage of the population, and destruction of the environment that goes along with democracy.
The UN informed Fiji that they didn't want to hear what anyone in Fiji want.
"Democracy or else," stated one humanitarian.
NEW YORK - The United Nationa buzzed with the news that a rebel leader in a small third world country has been planning what is called, "a coup."
The legitimate standing government of the country is understandably shocked.
"It is bad enough that they are rebels and unhappy with our government," said one anonymous official. "But to plan to replace the governemtn is outrageous. Who would do such a thing?"
Members of the rebel leader's movement leaked the information to the press Friday.
"He's been talking crazy things about rolling tanks into the capitol building and seizing the head of state," said an anymous rebel, "Certainly we're unhappy, bu that sort of thing's illegal! We could get in serious trouble."
The President of the country has announced that he is very troubled by the idea that a rebel might try to subvert the legitimate government."
"We may have to do something drastic," said the President, "like visit the rebel encampment and tell them to stop. I hate to do it, but they've forced our hands."
Citizens of the country have been advised to take emergency measures, like putting money in a safe place and checking to see who's there before opening the door.
PITTSBURGH - Aides for presidential hopeful George W. Bush are calling a series of barely audible grunts from Senator John McCain proof that McCain is now solidly behind the Bush campaign.
Speaking in a basement ballroom at the William Penn Hotel, John McCain said, "Mm-hmm" when asked if he now supported his once-bitter rival for president. Pushed by reporters to actually say on record that he endorsed Bush, McCain replied, "Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever."
Bush handlers then tried to get McCain to read the words "I endorse Bush" off a large cardboard cue card, in order to have a sound-bite for use in campaign ads, but efforts were hampered by McCain's incessant giggling.
Asked by Bush handler Carl Rove if he would perhaps accept a Cabinet post or vice-presidential nomination in exchange for a photo of the two men shaking hands, McCain said, "Nnnnh," which Rove said means, "I intend to campaign enthusiastically for my friend Governor Bush."
At the end of the press conference, McCain did seem to warm to the idea of supporting Bush more vocally when he said, "Bush would make a better president than Gore." But the sentiment was undercut when he continued, "Hell, a stick would make a better president than Gore."
LEVEL, Minnesota - Swedish rock band Abba will headline at the Palindromes for Peace Concert, announced "Pop" Nappan, organizer of the oft-criticized event.
"The band is just doing its 'civic' duty," explained band spokesman Otto Chartreuse.
Concert organizers are encouraging madam(s), nun(s), men named Bob, and women named Anna to attend the event, dedicated to bringing about peace in Alaska. When it was pointed out that there is no war in Alaska, Chartreuse answered "Exactly."
They Might Be Giants will make a special appearance to play its song "I Palindrome I." Even though it's not really a palindrome.
The concert has a number of vocal critics, who complain that this is just another cheap attempt to mass market false sentimentality to a bunch of kids who are only interested in booze and tawdry sex.
"It's just a cheap excuse to say words like 'boob' and 'tit,' said one critic.
OMAHA, Nebraska - A controlled burn of suburban homes outside of Omaha turned into a disaster when high winds combined with wayward service station attendants to set fire to an unused grassland this week.
The City of Omaha traditionally sets fire to homes in its suburbs as an aesthetic improvement project, concentrating on cluster homes and townhouses. This annual spring tradition turned tragic when an unfortunate combination of factors spread the fire from the houses to a grassy open area just beyond the residential area.
The grasslands were not being used for farming or ranching purposes, so some of Omaha's service station attendants were spraying the fields down with gasoline to drive up the price.
When high winds blew the fire towards the field, they immediately erupted in flames. Up to an acre of grassland may be completely charred and lifeless for as many as three months. Fortunately, artificially high gas prices were still attained.
City officials have temporarily halted the house burnings until they can establish that no more unused fields will be unnecessarily destroyed. Complaints from empty field lovers from around the nation have poured into Omaha's City Hall, and Mayor Lars Throgsen has apologized profusely for what he deemed "an unfortunate set of unlikely circumstances."
Mayor Throgsen has promised the tragedy would not halt the eradication of suburban housing.
"Omaha will not allow concentrations of ugly suburban housing to proliferate," he stated, "but no further grassy areas will be harmed."
Citing a steady decline in visitors over the past few years, Cloud Nine announced that it will close its gates permanently on June 1.
"Our occupancy has been at record low levels", said Saint Andreanna Ortiz, "We just aren't seeing the people we used to."
"We don't know if it's the economy, or what", added Angel Ann Maria, "more people than ever are getting high-- but just high enough to feel 'peace' or 'secure' or 'pleased'. No one goes that extra mile to reach Cloud Nine anymore".
It has been rumoured that Barnes & Noble and Starbucks has expressed an interest in the property, but Cloud Nine officials refused to comment.