Most images have been removed to prevent chafing.
Dr. Laura, the outspoken talk show hostess whose conservative politics have irritated millions, began branching out in her attempt to alienate everyone.
"I wasn't even listening to her show," said single Mom Myrtice Bohne, of St. Louis. "She called me up at home, out of the blue, and told me I was selfish and a bad parent."
According to Colin Miller, spokesperson for the Dr. Laura Show, "Now that she's got all the major groups covered, she's shifted her focus to pissing off individuals."
A partial list of those united in their near-unanimous dislike of Dr. Laura includes divorcees, homosexuals, non-practicing Jews, cat owners, bacon eaters, usually unflappable librarians, neo-classicists, owners of green plants, Canadians, and anyone who's ever given a child up for adoption, had an abortion, left a child alone in a car, grounded a child, or made a child wear long pants, or, for that matter, short.
While her extreme views have made her about as popular as a half-eaten sandwich, some listeners find her merely strident, as opposed to just plain whacked out of her head. "She doesn't have to be so rude," said just about everyone, at one point or another.
Always the diplomat, presidential hopeful Al Gore was quick to defend Dr. Laura, saying, "Never before has the country been so united on any one topic. Usually it takes a war to bring people together like this," although he then stated that he supported the use of air quotes around the word "doctor" when referring to Ms. Schlesinger.
As the week of Middle East peace talks came to an unresolved end this evening, both Palestine and Isreal's leaders announced that they had no intention of leaving Camp David, Maryland, and demanded the other do so immediately.
"Djis ish lovely home", exclaimed Barak,
"Djis now mine. All others go. Now".
Mr. Arafat responded to Mr. Barak's claim by gathering up all the flatware on the table and placing it into his suit coat pockets before toppling the dinner table onto it's side and taking cover behind it. Mr. Arafat then began lobbing both dinner and salad forks at Mr. Barak while screaming, "I vas here first, many time". Anyone have Camp David, it will be I, Yarir Arafat!"
President Clinton immediately announced that he would be spending the next few days on the other side of the world.
LOS ANGELES - In an impressive show of unity and humility, 2,000 Hollywood movie stars banded together in downtown Los Angeles to apologise for their selfishness.
"We've just been awful," said Woody Allen. "I mean, here we are with like millions of dollars, and we just go around acting like we own the world. I mean we kind of do but still you know, we can't, we just can't do that it's not right."
Most stars came to the realisation slowly over the past few months.
"I believe it was caused by the magnetic storm in April," said Jeff Goldblum while giving his private membership to a Northern California spa away to an elderly lady.
The actors announced they will all limit their salaries to $30,000 a year and put the rest in a pool to be divided up amongst the needy.
They also intend to create in an Internet database where people can make reservations at trendy restaraunts using the stars names and influence.
"We're going to make this world right again," said Sean Penn. "It really had gone too far."
Hollywood Producers looked on in shock and some expressed fear that 'actor madness' might strike the Production community.
"Not a chance," said William Shatner, singularly unaffected by the events. "Producers are much farther along the road of moral bankruptcy."
LOS ANGELES - A desperately haunted Hollywood resident sought out a MIDI file on the Internet this morning and listened to the entire thing.
Police report that Lynn McCurdy had the tune of a Shania Twain song stuck in her mind for three days. LAPD is holding her for observation and say they will release her when she stabilizes.
Psychiatrists are not optimistic about McCurdy's prognosis for recovery. "I played it a few times," McCurdy admitted to doctors. "It's not that bad."
"Sometimes people who spend too much time at the computer lose their ability to distinguish between music and MIDI," explained Dr. Terrence Galore, head researcher at Sound-Mind Labs in Costa Mesa, "We're seeing more of what we highly paid doctors call Musical Idiot Dementia Indicator (MIDI) as more high-tech businesses arrive in Southern California."
Sound-Mind Labs contains a treatment center in addition to its research facility, but McCurdy refused admission, insisting that she's "just fine" and that it was "just this one time."
"Denial is common in the early stages of MIDI," says Dr. Galore. "It's too bad, because we usually see a complete recovery when we start early. It's a progressive condition. It starts with Shania Twain or Celine Dion-- relatively harmless. Then suddenly they're listening to the Backstreet Boys and Hanson."
Is there any chance of recovery after that point? "Most people show some degree of improvement if they come in for intense treatment," Dr. Galore says. "For example, they might still listen to Hanson, but they'll find MP3s instead of MIDIs. We're recommending that Ms. McCurdy be put on a strict regimen of Napster"
The song, "Any Man of Mine," appears on Twain's album "The Woman in Me."
WASHINGTON - Probable Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore announced today that he has chosen the up-and-coming wizard Harry Potter as his vice-presidential running mate.
Analysts applauded the decision, saying that Potter, a well-known Quidditch Seeker whose legal address is number four, Privet Drive, but who spends most of the year in Hogswart, a boarding school somewhere in England, will widen the ticket beyond the Muggle vote.
"Potter has huge name recognition among wizards," said Democratic pollster Hugo Aldren on NPR's Morning Edition. "Seventy-two percent of wizards say they plan to Disapparate out of Hogswart, put on Invisibility Cloaks and sneak into the voting booth to vote for Gore/Potter. That's almost everyone except, obviously, Slytherins."
Gore also said he's considering naming his Cabinet well before the Democratic National Convention takes place in August, leading to speculation that he may name Professor Albus Dumbledore as Secretary of State. Dumbledore, though, refused to send an owl to comment.
While Gore and Potter will surely go an attack against You-Know-Who, the Evil Dark Lord George W. Bush, the rest of the Gore/Potter platform will not be unveiled until 12:01 a.m. on Election Day.
LOS ANGELES - With only 123 days to go before the election, Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader has conceded the 2000 election to either Governor George W. Bush or Vice-President Al Gore.
"We've run a good race," Nader said at a press conference in the Los Angeles Sheraton Hotel, "but the people will have spoken."
Asked to clarify his reasons for leaving the race, Nader referred to an ABC/Time poll that shows Bush ahead by 14 points over Gore, 53 points over any Reform Party candidate, and Nader not mentioned.
"One percent of the vote is for 'other,' which is a clear mandate that we had some support," Nader said. "But it just wasn't enough."
"Plus," Nader continued, "some of that could have been for that weird Libertarian guy, Harry Whatsit."
GREENWICH - After millions of years of marching, time has decided to slow to an informal stroll.
"We're just a bit tired" said a spokesperson for time. "We've been marching since the beginning of time. It's time's decision to slow down now."
As time is a relative construct most people won't notice the difference.
Although around midnight GMT Tuesday July 6th, time stopped for a moment to catch it's breath. Many reported feeling like time stopped for them.
"That's typical for lovers and people engaged in viweing beautiful or momentous events," said the spokesperson. "I'll wager any feelings of time stopping on that date are merely coincidence."
The change will provide ammunition for cliche fighters against those who use the phrase "Time marches on."
LONDON - In a surprising turn of events, Mohamed al-Fayed, owner of the department store Harrods is treating the British Monarchy as a viable and not wholly imaginary institution.
Harrods has announced they will remove the royal warrant from his store because none of the royal family shop there.
"It's unheard of," said one banker who wished to remian anonymous. "I didn't think anyone took royal seals and warrants seriously anymore. In fact I'd quite forgotten that the royal family was in fact real. I'd somehow got the idea in my head that they had been transformed into a BBC melodrama sometime in the 1980s."
This bank isn't alone in his shock and surprise to find that an individual person could acrually react to what many feel is a political fiction.
Most shoppers surveyed outside Harrods expressed concern that the management expected the monarchy to show up.
"Everyone knows it's a sitcom," said Rebecca Totsworth, 29, Soho. "I mean sure, the royal family's one of my favorite TV dramas, but everyone knows it's not real. Excpet maybe Americans."
None of the royal family could be reached for comment. Niles Peterson announced this staement from outside Buckingham Palce.
"I have been Producing.. er... serving the royal family for years. They are as real as anyone."
Harrods declined to comment further except to reiterate that the Duke of Edinburgh was banned from the store as he may in fact be alive.
LONDON - At Noon today the Queen pronounced the first ever July 3rd celebrations a smashing success to the roars of a crowd of over 1,775.
In a Europe afraid of becoming workaholics like Americans, another holiday was desparately needed.
From now on, every year, England will celebrate the ridding of itself of 13 useless colonies of braggarts, classless merchants, and prisoners.
"Today we celebrate our independence," said Margaret Thatcher in the keynote address. "Independence from a society that certainly would have dragged us down into tastelesness and patent money-grubbing. On this day more than any other, we should thank God, that people like Edmund Burke saw the wisodm of cutting the ties between our great empire and a nation of thugs."
A parade of redcoat troops and choruses of Rule Brittania were followed by a reading of the Declaration of Independence.
"When in the course of human events it becomes necessary to tell someone you just can't afford to be associated with them anymore...We hold these truths to be self-evident, that some men are not as fitting for society as others."
The July 3rd celebrations will be followed by a national day of mourning over the influx of McDonald's and the dominance of Hollywood.
LOS ANGELES - In an impressive show of unity and humility, 2,000 Hollywood movie stars banded together in downtown Los Angeles to apologise for their selfishness.
"We've just been awful," said Woody Allen. "I mean, here we are with like millions of dollars, and we just go around acting like we own the world. I mean we kind of do but still you know, we can't, we just can't do that it's not right."
Most stars came to the realisation slowly over the past few months.
"I believe it was caused by the magnetic storm in April," said Jeff Goldblum while giving his private membership to a Northern California spa away to an elderly lady.
The actors announced they will all limit their salaries to $30,000 a year and put the rest in a pool to be divided up amongst the needy.
They also intend to create in an Internet database where people can make reservations at trendy restaraunts using the stars names and influence.
"We're going to make this world right again," said Sean Penn. "It really had gone too far."
Hollywood Producers looked on in shock and some expressed fear that 'actor madness' might strike the Production community.
"Not a chance," said William Shatner, singularly unaffected by the events. "Producers are much farther along the road of moral bankruptcy."