Most images have been removed to prevent itching and burning.
I don't remember a whole lot about what happened after that. There was a lot more chanting, and the Jamaicans all put on funny masks that made them all look like Doctor Teeth. I laughed and laughed at the masks, and the funny dances they were doing. I've never laughed so hard in my life. I don't think they thought it was very funny, but I sure as hell did. I was really happy for a while, then I started to feel like they were all waiting for me to go to sleep, then they would take off the masks, but their faces would still be the same as Doctor Teeth's, and then they would try to kill me in my sleep, or give me bad dreams cause when you're asleep, you're really kind of dead already, and I imagined that if you die in you sleep, then you probably never wake up, or really actually die, but instead go into a kind of "other place" that's full of really bad dreams about what your life would have been like if you had ever woken up and lived the rest of it. Then I got really hungry and fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was in the back of the Toyota. Somebody had either
put me in there when I passed out, or there was a whole lot that I couldn't
remember about that night. I didn't even drink anything. Except for the
chicken blood. I smoked a lot of those hand rolled cigarettes, though.
I've heard that you can get drunk off cigarettes sometimes, but this was
a first for me. Anyway, I could live with a few missing hours (I've had
my share), but what really pissed me off was the new paint job the Jamaicans
gave the Toyota. They covered over the original factory Beige 
with
a bunch of swirly colors and pictograms. There were pictures of serpents
and chickens oozing blood from huge holes in their necks, and a drawing
of me riding a beige horse over a little, blue marble. And there were dozens
of little people reaching out their hands to touch my feet. When I asked
the Jamaicans what the hell they were thinking, they told me it was for
luck. Supposedly all the paint and shit on the car would make my trip easier.
I don't know what the hell they were talking about. It seemed to have gone
smoothly enough so far, but it was too early to argue. I thanked them sparingly
and headed out. I thought the islands were supposed to be fun, but my sojourn
to Jamaica turned out to be the low point of my trip thus far.
So I'm heading East again. I heard on the radio that the Marines are
bombing Kokomo, and like I always say; Where there's Marines, there's something
new to write about. According to the map, Kokomo is really close to Jamaica,
but I'm ready to leave the islands for now. There's Marines all over the
place. I'm sure I'll run into them somewhere.
Stay tuned.
The pilot episode of "Fantasy Island" was a special two-hour movie premiere on ABC way back in 1980. I watched it. I got hooked. For years, I made a point of clearing the kiddie calendar so as not to miss the fantastic journeys of Mr. Rourke's new clients. Like the rest of western civilization, I was sick to death of the show when ABC finally buried it, and I didn't really look back or reminisce. I had more important things to look-forward to, like NBC's "Manimal" and CBS's "Richie Brockleman: Private Eye".
A decade later, I have cable TV and Fantasy Island is back and not better than ever. As Hall and Oates once sang, ‘some things are better left unsaid; some hearts are better left unbroken'. And if a show inspires Hall & Oates well, you get the picture.
When the "Fantasy Island" strip was first-run, you didn't question things like hair-spray overdoses, nut-crunching pants (except in the cases of Gary Sandy and Gabe Kaplan), transparently fake fist-fights, make-up that appears as permanent as mortician's spackle, or bad writing. Let Aaron Spelling and Fred Silverman do what they do best: create outright creative homicide. These are not programs to be taken out of the time-capsule unless you're good and drunk and in the mood for a laugh.
After a few reruns, I had to clap my hands over my ears and babble denial to drown out the questions in my head. Questions like: Wait a minute, are you telling me that the bimbo stripper really wanted to be a brain-surgeon? A BULL-FIGHTER? Really? That's the best you could do after paying all that money and flying in that tiny little bi-plane: a friggin' bull-fighter?
How did these unsatisfied millionaires and average people (who spent their life savings, I presume) discover Fantasy Island? This is not the kind of resort one picks in a tour group package. People don't even eat on Fantasy Island, for God's sake. Did one pick-up the news paper classifieds and see: "EVER DREAM ABOUT BEING A RODEO KING? CALL 1-800-ZE-PLANE NOW!"
I don't know about you, but if I were fortunate enough to go to Fantasy Island you wouldn't hear the following:
TATTOO: Who's zat boz?
ROURKE: Ah, Tattoo, that's Viki Reed! Her fantasy is to go back
in time to the O.K.-Corral.
If I could have anything I dreamt-of for a whole fifteen minute segment, this is what I'd choose for my Fantasy.
Ahh, Tattoo, that's Viki Reed. For her fantasy she would like...
1. To castrate her ex-husband, film it and make him watch it again
and again.
2. To be able to leave the house without wearing a bra and still look
perky.
3. To have so much fuck-you money that the entire planet would need
a condom.
4. To make Demi Moore watch her own movies.
5. To give men the gift of reproduction and menstruation.
6. To hear what her cats and dogs are saying and thinking at all times.
7. To install a jingle bell in the heads of criminals, these bells
jingle when plotting a crime.
8. To go back in time, and save John Lennon's life, while simultaneously
talking him out of allowing Yoko Ono to perform on-or influence any more
of his records.
9. To find a cure for cancer which won't work on scumbags who are like
a cancer on humanity themselves.
10. To see what's under William Shatner and Charles Grodin's rugs once
and for all.
11. Go back in time and perform fellatio on the marvelous creatures
who invented chocolate, cake, and cold-milk chasers.
12. To have a real tan, perfect-shiny hair-and lose all non-vital body
fat forever.
13. To make all television evangelists go on a fifteen year residency
in war-torn, or starving nations-without the use of their make-up or blow-dryers.
14. To have the power to eliminate zits by saying, "KAZOO!" then touching
the offensive pimple.
15. To hold mental competency hearings on anyone who find "Suddenly
Susan" or "Murphy Brown" to be funny; all of their voting, driving, and
procreation rights to be suspended until counseling and education courses
are completed.
There are so many things to wish for, but I must stop somewhere.
Smiles, everyone! Smiles!
Spokesman for the hospital, Dr. Richard Biggerstaff, urged all wives and girlfriends to "assist in checking your loved ones testicles at least once a month and more frequently if possible".
The specific procedure involves a preliminary caressing of the testes' with lips and tongue in order to develop what is know in the medical community as a 'baseline'. Future sessions should be conducted with an eye toward noting and changes or abnormalities in relation to the baseline examination.
In addition he noted, "do not be alarmed if this causes arousal in the male sex organ (penis) as this is quite normal and will not affect the diagnostic process in any way".
"With the help of women - and men in the case of the gay community - we feel adherence to these guidelines will help us lick the disease of testicular cancer as a major killer among men worldwide.
The Scottish Office says her outfit will instead, blend the modern and the traditional.
Plans call for the Queen to don a 'Scotland' sweatshirt doinated by the Scottish National Football Club. In addition American retail chain, "Old Navy" will donate draw-string pants, thus alluding to Britain's rich naval history. The outfit will be completed with sensible shoes from Saxone's.
"Sparkling eye makeup has been ruled out," an official statement said. "The Queen will dress in a manner appropriate to a dignified, historic but Scottish occasion."
Scottish Devolution Minister, Henry McLeish, said the arrangements would create the "proper sense of occasion. The opening ceremony will blend both modern and traditional elements."
The Scottish National Party said it is happy with the announcement that the Queen will be sporting a patriotic sweatshirt.
Constitutional Affairs spokesman, George Reid said robes would have been inappropriate.
He recalled a visit in 1953, when the Queen wore a poodle skirt while all around her were attired in ceremonial robes.
He said: "The key fact is that the parliament belongs to the people, and it seems to me that what has been devised is an event of quiet dignity, a Scandinavian type day, except Scottish."
The Queen, Duke of Edinburgh and the Duke of York, will travel from the Palace in a convertible low rider rather than the state coach to allow the public a better view.
There will be RAF traditional air strikes and outdoor concerts to celebrate the first Scottish Parliament in almost 300 years.
The Assembly Hall venue will serve as home to the Parliament until completion of its new permanent home at Holywood.
American bombers continued to destroy Serbian targets while NATO linguists searched for a better word than "target".
"It's just very hard to come up with suitable English words to convey the correct meaning for the things we're blowing up," said NATO linguist Jorge European. "Of course we have to come up with European languages too. I mean right now, this group here is trying to come up with a miltarily accurate French word for 'Children's Hospital'.
Many Europeans, And NATO members of European descent were presented to the press as a demonstration of European unity over the bombings. General Clark was most proud of a Turkish intelligence agent whom Clark refers to as "The Turk."
"He's not even really European, but he's not an American. Hell, I think he's Muslim or somethin'.
The main part of the day's briefing focused on NATO responses to Serbian peace initiatives.
"Right now, in the face of the cease fire we've been bombing Belgrade. Now, if he continues to honestly repatriate Albanian Kosovars we'll have to increase missile bombings in this area to insure full world shock over the 'human target' factor. And as you can see we've prepared for various other contingincies as well. If Milosevic would guarantee human rights we would napalm this section of northern Serbia. A submission to a world court for human rights abuse would bring about massive firebombing of Pristina, the Kosovo capital. An unconditional agreement to autonomy and a peace-keeping force would bring about ballistic missile attacks on all major Yugoslavian cities. And Milosevic's unconditional surrender and handing over of Serbia and Kosovo to NATO and turning himself in to the hands of NATO military courts with an apology and a new constitution guaranteeing human rights for all citizens would mean the launch of nuclear ICBM's at Belgrade, Bosnia and Moscow."
NATO plans to remain in this tough uncompromising stance as long is it takes. Experts predict a new cold war and an economic upturn.
My firm has proven through right of usage, utility and propriety that we can and do own the copyright on God," said Gillespie. Therefore we are requesting that anyone and anything using the name, concept or term "God" cease and desist."
Gillespie invoked little known biblical, statutory and common law precedents to reinforce his claim.
I can't say I didn't see it coming," said God. "But I always thought Gillespie would repent. I hate having to smite people for legal reasons."
Despite God's threatening tones, spokesangel Michael said that the almighty planned to comply with the ruling until appeals can be made.
"We're confident that in the end we will win the case as God is the almighty judge," added Michael.
Gillespie plans to use the concept in an upcoming marketing campaign for his law firm.
For those Scripturally Consistent Christians who rely upon prayer and the power of God to heal them, rather than call 911 for an advanced medical response the sick and injured can now dial 1-800-10-10-321-#-*-SAVEME. A team of highly trained faith inspired Ministers and Church Elders will be dispatched Code Three to the caller's location, then will join hands around the ailing patient and pray to God for their healing, as the Bible commands.
With a radiator full of Holy Water, The 'God Squad' will drive a fire engine yellow 1974 Dodge Hearse equipped with a siren along with red and blue emergency beacons mounted to a crucifix on their hood. Locals affectionately refer to it as the 'Heal Mobile'. Emergency Prayer Technicians Rev. Roy Desoto (Church of Christ Scientist) and Rev. Johnny Gage (Seventh Day Adventists) are both experienced healers, and are excited about their new roles. Preached Gage, "I always wanted to run stop signs in the name of the Lord! Haleluyah!"
Seriously ill children who need emergency healing also receive a souvenir coloring book of famous Old Testament Census Takers and a lapel pin that says, "I would die for my parent's beliefs". Confidentiality will be awarded all pediatric calls so as not to alert secular based Child Protective Services whose social workers are always nosing around and butting into other people's private business.
For the faithful, calls for Fire and Police assistance will continue to be routed through 911, with God still getting the credit for dousing fires and apprehending criminals.
© 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>
"We're hoping for a full scale World War in order to shore up our ranks", stated Nelson. "With veterans of WWII, Korea and Vietnam dropping like flies, we are seriously in need of need of a major war to shore up our client base."
The Gulf War only produced a fraction of the veterans needed to replace the organizations dwindling base. AMVETS now has only one hope for its long term survival, a large scale lengthy war encompassing several generations of Americans.
The only other option, in lieu of a major war, is to shut down AMVETS and reform the organization as WORLDVETS. Added Nelson, "there will always be war waging somewhere on the globe producing fresh batches of veterans. On the positive side, the possibility of true world peace is not something I expect to see in my lifetime."
"We have it on good authority that every one of the 'War-torn Kosovo' photos were, in fact, taken in Cleveland (OH)", said Del Swindle, Editor in Chief of The Inquirer.
"That's right", he continued. "Every burned-out baby buggy, crammed tent city, or wounded, abandoned kid. Cleveland. Anyone who's been there once ought to recognize Cleveland Lakefront State Park"
Editor Fish Kuklish from The Daily Mirror concurred. "(We) know what's going on. NATO's trying to get world support by passing off these pics as fleeing Albanians. Real Albanians? Well, you wouldn't want to meet one in a dark alley, that's for sure. The men are even scarier".
Sun spokesman Renny Weil added, "Wake up folks. The reason you haven't seen any genuine Albanians is because they are all too busy cutting Serbian throats to pose for the camera".
Weil also insisted that real pictures of the war can only be found in the Sun. His authentic photo of the two-headed cyclops Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic can be found in the latest edition.
(Orlando, FL.) After years of planning and construction delays, the HolyLand Christian Theme Park opened last month to cheers of "Haleluyah!" from corporate sponsors and the Orlando Chamber of Commerce.
Nestled in the midst of palm trees and tropical flowers, HolyLand stands in stark contrast to that psychedelic, secular, profit-hungry monolith called Disneyworld. If you expect to enter HolyLand and worship the graven images of mutated talking mice or witness to cartoon princesses who put their Fairy GodMothers before the Almighty, you will be disappointed.
Upon entering the park, visitors initially find themselves in an authentic reproduction of 13th century Bethlehem, where they can re-experience the thrills and excitement of The Inquisition. Many parents will take this opportunity to show their children the proper methods of burning witches and other heathens at the stake.
For those who are between Fasts, there is fine and inexpensive dining at Jonah's, where hungry Christians can enjoy the irony of eating their meal inside the belly of a fabricated whale. Master Chef and Stage Magician "The Amazing Randi" recreates some of Jesus' most popular miracles, including turning 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish into a feast for all the patrons while he seemingly walks on water.
And no one goes home empty handed if they stop and purchase souvenirs at the Three Wise Men's Gift Shop. A large supply of gold, frankencense, and myrrh is always available.
An hourly parade down Main Street allows visitors to observe the entertaining antics of humble Bible characters. Among the crowd's favorites are a boil infested Job, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and the Virgin Mary (hymen inspected weekly and certified by at least 3 OB GYN's to be intact for authenticity).
Within HolyLand there are five distinct areas which promise to promote good Christian family values and inspire everyone's personal relationship with God:
Old Testament Land features Noah's Ark Petting Zoo, where guests can make animal sacrifices to God and learn the difference between clean and unclean beasts.
New Testament Land is celebrated for its Sermon on the Mount St. Helens Adventure Ride, where Jesus' flock listen to his wise parables while they navigate through a smoky maze of erupting lava, rock slides and poison gases.
Hell Land's thrilling and sensational Holy Roller's Coaster attracts thrill seekers from all over the world. Faith is tested with a record drop of 666 feet at 102 miles per hour as riders plunge towards a fire and brimstone pit below, only to be saved by Jesus at the very last second.
Heaven Land is a favorite among the elderly because of its slower pace; after climbing a seemingly infinite amount of stairs, they experience the unparalleled bliss of worshipping at the throne of God for all eternity. Judgement Day unfolds before their very eyes as few are chosen and many are condemned into the firey pit of Hell. Animatrons of God, Jesus, the Holy Ghost and an arena full of Angels provide a realism unconceivable even to the wildest imagination.
Sodom and Gommorah Land is HolyLand's most popular area within the park. Sinners indulge themselves in lust, idolatry and perversions of all sorts, then confess, repent, and are forgiven on their way out the gate. While here, few forget to spill their seed at Madame Magdalene's Brothel and get high on the Lord at Onan's Opium Lounge. (Children under 18 must be accompanied by an adult. Visitors who reside in Utah and Mississippi will not be admitted).
Admission to HolyLand is your soul and $38.00 for a day pass. Free overnight accommodations are available in The Manger, a four-star-hay-filled-leanto located in the parking lot. Space is limited, so call in advance for reservations.
© 1999 by Tyrone Dye <a.k.a. Tyedye>
Later police found what was believed to be cocaine wrapped in a $20 bill in Strawberry's wallet and arrested him on drug possession charges as well. Strawberry has a history of alcohol and cocaine abuse, the latter leading to his being nicknamed "The Straw".
Exclaimed Strawberry, who is undergoing chemotherapy for treatment of colon cancer, "this is all a mistake". "It's powdered sugar, I use it to keep my strength up when nausea from my cancer treatment makes it difficult for me to eat". Later testing of the substance bore out Strawberry's claim.
When questioned about the solicitation charge Strawberry stated apologetically, "how else is a cancer ridden, tax evading, wife beating, washed up ballplayer supposed to get a piece?"
Sensing the sincerity of his remorsefulness the district attorney's office is considering letting Strawberry off with a small fine, which is a common 'slap on the butt' reserved for baseball players and other well known sports figures.
Earp emptied his clips and finished reloading before being outmaneuvered, tackled, and then pinned by members of the school's wrestling team.
Killing 16 and wounding 18, Earp was disappointed with his performance, ranking him only 5th all time for Student Body Slaughter in the Guinness Book of World Records. Said Earp "I didn't anticipate the speed and agility of the 3rd graders, a lot of my shots missed their mark and my low score reflected my lack of concentration." Falling short of the World Record, Earp vowed to "do better next time. I'll probably modify my strategy by shooting the Jocks first, or killing myself to add to the body count."
Since in many states Juveniles cannot be tried as adults, upon their mandatory release from jail at age 25 most join the United States Postal Service and compete on the Senior Circuit, where they can hone their murder and mayhem skills.
The National Student Body Slaughter Competition, sponsored by the non-profit Youth For Guns League and Smith & Wesson Inc.®, is open to all youngsters between the ages of 6 and 18 who feel a need to gain attention and wish to compensate for their poor self-esteem by taking their adolescent frustrations out on innocent classmates.
Some parents groups are outraged; claiming Student Body Slaughter is not a sport, but just another excuse for glorifying violence.
But Wyatt Younger, President of the Youth For Guns League stated his position; "These hunters are finely tuned athletes. Rather than stalking, say, harmless deer, they hunt potentially dangerous game. Unlike deer, human targets can fight back, making this sport just as dangerous to the predator, as to his prey. Human Beings are not on the Endangered Species List, so I don't know what the big fuss is all about."
Said Principal Gus Tyler, "Earp was a quiet boy." Said Younger, "Earp Excelled in the three 'R's'; Rampaging, Ravaging,
and Reloading."
Earp will receive an asterisk in the distinguished Guinness Record Book,
not for his age or for the number of kills, but because he is an African
American Muslim. "White, middle class Christians may have invented and
excelled in this sport, but I am proud to be the first to represent my
race and my religion."
The world record for Student Body Slaughter was held briefly by 13 year
old Tommy Bailey of Quickdraw, Texas, who killed twenty-six fellow students
in 1997. But he was later disqualified from competition because the school
was for the physically handicapped, and most victims could neither hear
the gunfire nor run from the shooter. The crown was passed back to 9 year
old Gary Peal of Maine, who in 1996 slaughtered twenty-two Kindergartners
and their teacher while they were singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider song.
In a clear reference to the hardline conservative faction in the Islamic
Republic, he denounced "monopolistic forces which seek to model society
without any regard for sexual satisfaction, blue jeans or rock music."
He criticised "those who take advantage of the beliefs of the population,
of Islam, of the clergy and of the supreme guide (Ayatollah Ali Khamenei)
to impose their abolition of rum and cokes, scantily clad women and TV
comedies".
"I stand firmly by all the promises I made to the people," he said.
The council meeting went ahead despite an attempt by a conservative-dominated
electoral supervisory board to disqualify five reformists, including the
former interior minister, Abdallah Nouri for eating fried pork sandwhiches
and guzzling Pepsi.
Blue jean wearing, Hershey's eating reformists were elected to the posts
of first and second vice presidents, secretary and treasurer. The other
10 members of the body are also Khatami supporters.
Mr Nouri was impeached by the conservative-dominated parliament last
year and lost his job as interior minister after a cache of twinkies was
found in his desk drawer.
Another of Mr Khatami's key allies, the Culture Minister, Ataollah Mohajarani,
is accused of harboring Rolling Stone magazines and making 1-900
calls.
It has also been announced that another supporter of the president,
the former mayor of Tehran, Gholam-Hossein Karbaschi, must begin serving
a two-year prison sentence for whistling pop tunes within seven days.
President Khatami praised the role of councillors in his speech on Thursday.
"The councils should play a leading role in establishing a civil society
flowing with milk chocolate and lots of honeys," he said.
He said David Hasselhoff should be the intermediary between the authorities
and the people".
Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei had his personal representative
read a message to the council session in which he "declared his preference
for Coke vs. Pepsi and called for the jihad of the sexes to end".
Iran Reformists Under Attack
Council Caught With Cheetos on Breath
by Pilot X (pilotx@subbrilliant.com)
Thursday, 29-Apr-99 20:44:25 EST:
TEHRAN - Iran's reformist president has spoken out against hardline
opponents, pledging that he will carry out promises that led to his landslide
election victory two years ago.