SAN FRANCISCO - Led by investment titan Charles Schwab (NYSE:SCH), leading business investors enacted legislation redefining ethics more broadly with less hindrance to business.

Congress ratified the bill and sent it to the President who was under orders from his backers to sign it into law.

"Americans are tired of legal quagmires impeding the free flow of capital. Ou redefinition of ethics makes it very clear that right and wrong are not matters for the courts," said leading investment banker Chip Smith.

The new legislation states that whenever ethical questions threaten to delay or impede a business transaction, an algorithm developed by leading economists will determine who is on the right and summarily resolve the ethical dilemma.

"Businesses know what's best for business," said statistical economist Judy Au. "Under the old system anyone could make frivolous assertions of ethical violations. Under this system the business is innocent until proven guilty. To prove a business guilty of ethical violations requires a demonstration of preponderant damage and hindrance to the normal flow of commerce and therefeore quality of life of the public and business community as a whole."

Opponents say the new ethical rules don't provide enough leeway for moral considerations or conflicts of interest.

A few fringe naysayers claimed that the new system wasn't ethics at all but a self-justification of commerce for its own sake. Positive nihilists supported this view but also supported the new ethical legislation and almost anything else we mentioned.

NEW YORK - Over the last few weeks, all the major publishers have been climbing up on the e-publishing band-wagon. On the top of that pile, as you might expect, is Time Warner. On May 23rd they proudly unveiled their new publishing venture, iPublish.com.

"Our intention," said Greg Voynow, general manager of the new division, "is to completely and utterly dominate the Internet publishing field through every means possible." Expected to be up and running by early 2001, iPublish promises to unveil many unique strategies for capturing the developing market.

"Not to give anything away with regard to our big sellers," confides Voynow, "but we are set to redefine the way people read books. Exclamation point. Period."

The first wave of this strategy is that iPublish will re-release most of the world's classics, from Homer to Shakespeare to Tolstoy, online in a new format for free. But these are not your father's same old classics.

"The clincher," claims Voynow, "is that our bleeding edge technology will now make it possible to choose different endings to these great works. We call this our ReWrite the Classics Series. I mean, how many of us would enjoy reading about how Achilles lives; or how Hamlet becomes king; or, even, that Anna Karenina remarries and lives happily ever after.? People are going to eat this up. It will bring the classics back to life for a whole new generation."

Cultural and literary critics are up in arms. Claire Zion, iPublish editorial director, dismisses them as "just a bunch of frustrated academics. These old profs need to move into the eAge".

As a show of good will, iPublish will supply over 10,000 high schools with the hardware to access and read the new ReWrite the Classics Series.

"Our marketing department," adds Zion, "has conducted study after study that indicates three problem areas with most of the so called Classics as they are taught these days: they are too long, have too many words, and too many unhappy endings. iPublish has the technology to change this."

Will future generations know Achilles as an old man telling stories of a great war? Will Hamlet be the old King of Denmark and Anna Karenina a smiling and gentle grandmother? Time Warner and iPublish are investing their future and yours in the hopes that this will be case.

URBANA, Illinois - Carle Hospital has announced a plan to cut patients in an effort to bring the troubled hospital back into the black.

Studies show that allowing sick people to come in and stay in a hospital, dramatically affects profitability.

"More patients does not mean more profit," said Dr. Rich Stephenson. "And let's face it. A hospital is a business. Our bottom line is making money."

Carle plans to cut out loss makers like treating the ill, and consulting with the sick.

"We'll hold on to our very profitable surgery, and emergency room operations, as well as our very profitable, band-aid and aspirin re-sale businesses. But treating the sick just doesn't make financial sense anymore.

Carle hopes to expand it's gift shop with the extra room.

"We're also kicking out long term patients," said Dr. Stephenson. "We're tired of being saddled with their debts."