March 1, 2006
Apple purchases Bono
(CUPERTINO, CA) – 
According to a tip from a reputable Web message board poster, Apple Inc. is currently in the process of purchasing U2 lead singer Bono.
The poster known as ross said he had irrefutable proof in the form of video and photos. Apple spokesrobots denied the rumour.
“Thanks for your interest in Apple Computers,” said the spokesrobots “We value your favorable press coverage. Please keep an eye out for the next great Apple announcement. It will come you know not how and you know not when. Your question about, buying Bono, will be considered for answering. We have no comment at this time. Thank you for communicating with iPress Corps.”
Subbrilliant News received confirmation of the rumour from a blogger.
“Oh yeah, I have a friend who dates this chick that works in HR at Apple,” said the Blogger. “They not only bought Bono, but they’re planning on a whole new line of Bonos. The Bono Mini to take with you in the car. The PowerBono with multiple processors for use in simultaneous charity appearances. Even a Bono that just speaks in random obscure quotes, called the Buffle. She said she’s try to scan me some pictures to put on my blog.”
Apple fan sites love the acquisition of Bono. Mac fans waxed eloquently about Bono’s sleek design and accessibility.
Critics pointed out Bono’s low market share and high price, and wondered when Bono would become more interoperable.
The new line of Bonos will be announced on March 16 and start at $1,999 for the base model.
January 24, 2006
MPAA sues man for having friends over
(HOLLYWOOD)
– The MPAA brought a case against Ronald Smith of Buena Vista, California, alleging gross violations of intellectual property rights and video piracy.
The MPAA alleges Smith willfully invited friends over to his house to watch a TiVo recording of the movie ‘War of the Worlds’ without first seeking permission and paying a license.
“Essentially Mr. Smith was stealing from Tom Cruise here,” said MPAA’s spokesperson. “Instead of being able to make a living off the purchases of movie tickets or DVDs by Mr. Smith’s friends, Tom Cruise, and the producers of the War of the Worlds movie, one who I have come to understand has a very sick and small and cute child, are left out in the cold. Literally. Did Mr. Smith consider he was taking food from a cold sick child’s mouth when he so cavalierly invited loads of people to steal this movie?”
Smith said he only invited two buddies over and that they’d watched movies at his and others’ houses quite often.
The MPAA asserets that watching a videotape is a different matter than watching digital videos.
“The high-definition and digital nature of the copy Mr. Smith displayed is entirely different than watching an old videotape. We have no problem with the way things were done in the past, but this is new technology. Videotapes left people feeling like they wanted more. A digital recording, like the one Mr. Smith stole, does not. And people should be forced to pay,” said the MPAA spokesperson.
The MPAA has asked congress to require future video-playing devices to be equipped with technology that would scan the room for a headcount and automatically debit the credit cards of anyone watching the movie.
January 1, 2006
New WordPress Interface Rocks
We usually don’t deal with the internal workings of Subbrilliant News, but we’re very excited about the new interface of WordPress, which we use to publish. Hence we’ve decided to post a picture of a pet to show just how reverted to Web 1.0 we’ve become with all the excitement. Hopefully this new interface will lead to more stories this year.
Happy new year from SuBBrilliant News.
August 22, 2005
Google Launches Google Human Beta
(SAN FRANCISCO) – Hot on the heels of the new Google Desktop release, Google has launched Google Humans.
Google humans are organic algorithmic receptacles that are fully programmable by the user and can adapt to behaviour and preferences.
“It’s like living with a psychic,” said beta-tester Michael Smithson. “I start to feel hungry and Googella walks in with a fresh-cooked turkey burger. It knows I like TURKEY. Can you believe that? I didn’t even know I liked turkey. Wow!”
Critics argue that the Google Humans are an invasion of privacy because they phone back data at the end of every day and also are programmed with advertising.
“I don’t want some robot reporting on all my comings and goings,” said EFF activist Ray Gregory. “And I certanly don’t want to live with a walking commercial machine.”
Google representatives reminded everyone that the Google Human is in beta.
“And all data reporting and advertising can be turned off in the preferences,” a Google Spokesperosn said before beginning to burn, smoke and chatter about where one could shop for preferences. Google Spokesperson is also in beta.
August 9, 2005
Microsoft Buys Apple
(REDMOND, WA) – In a move that puzzled Wall Street and sent shares tumbling, technology company Microsoft purchased a 3 oz. Red Delicious apple at a Seattle-area supermarket and declared they are discontinuing the iPod.
Reporters were met with glares when asked how buying a piece of fruit gives them the power to shut down another company’s product line.
“It’s a metaphor!” shouted Steve Ballmer while dancing like a monkey.
Press spokesperson Shandra Bates read from a statement declaring that Microsoft had perfected a translational verbiage actuator and through it’s new Microsoft WordPlay Engenerator, had turned what seemed to be the simple act of grabbing fresh fruit into a hostile takeover.
Apple’s Steve Jobs replied that Microsoft had yet to understand the true nature of metaphorical constructs and would only bring further degradation on themselves. He then leaned over and slowly crushed a roach between his thumb and forefinger while mouthing the word “gooey”.
“You see?” he stated.