June 12, 2009
National Cold Medicine Association protests drug restrictions
In a move to make it easier to buy cold medicines like Sudafed, the National Cold Medicine Association held a protest in front of the offices of Senator Dianne Feinstein today.
Feinstein co-authored the bill that places restrictions and a waiting period on cold medicines that could be used to make methampetamines.
“The NCMA believes it is a violation of our constitutional rights to place any barrier between a God-fearing American and their cold remedies,” said spokesperson Alan Heston. “You can have our pseudophedrine when you pry it from our clammy, feverish, weakened hands!”
Current laws restrict how much medicine containing pseudophedrine can be purchased, and require a government-issued ID be shown in order to make a purchase. Because of these laws, most pharmacies sell these medicines from the same counter where the sell prescriptions, meaning a waiting period behind even sicker people is often necessary.
“Let me get this straight,” said Heston speaking to a crowd of supporters. “In order to punish meth users, I have to wait in line, while I’m sick as a dog from a cold, with a bunch of people who have even worse diseases, that I might catch! How is that punishing the meth user?! Well I’ve got news for you Senator Feinstein, Sudafed doesn’t kill, people who buy Sudafed and cook it with other stuff and make meth and then overdoes on it kills people…..uh, usually themselves.”
Supporters carried placards with slogans like “Snot is not a crime,” “Restrict the Fed, Not the Pseudopheds,” and “I’m sick and I vote!”
The NCMA is dedicated to overturning current restrictions and preventing further laws from being put in place.
“They start when they come for your cold medicine,” said Heston. “Then they come for your aspirins and ibuprofens. And pretty soon you’re in a back alley, risking your life with a drug dealer just to buy some Flinstone vitamins for your kids!”
April 12, 2009
GM announces hybrid car with horse
General Motors announced the new Chevy Caballo Hybrid with ‘ComesWith Horse’ technology at the New York Auto Show this week.
The Caballo includes a fairly beefy V-6 engine paired with a natural gas engine. But the big selling point is the included space for a horse.
“Our new Equus module allows you to add horsepower. Literally,” said GM spokesperson Pat Mitchell.
The module makes it possible to put a horse inside the car to provide drive train power and fuel.
“Because all four hooves of the horse leave the ground at the same time, it’s not efficient to use it as direct propulsion. So the horse is placed on a treadmill that creates energy for the drive train,” said Mitchell.
“The Equus module does take up cabin space, but we make up for that with the entertainment and green value it provides,” Mitchell added.
The module sits in the rear part of the SUV-like cabin and fully encloses the horse except for roof ventilation slots. Passengers can look through windows in he side of the module to see the horse in action. Feeding drawers allow them to give the horse snacks like sugar lumps and hay. GM calls all this the entertainment value.
The green value comes from the fact that any waste created by the horse is collected and reclaimed as fuel for the natural gas engine.
GM expects the vehicle to be very popular in the horsebelt of the United States.
“We see this as combining the best of old and new,” said Mitchell. “Eventually we hope to sell add-on modules, even trailers that allow you to add as much horsepower as you like.”
April 11, 2006
President Bush trying to be Kennedy
(WASHINGTON, DC) – 
President Bush today admitted that he was modeling his legacy on John F. Kennedy.
“Except for the assasination part. Not that part,” the President said quietly.
In a rare moment of candor while waiting for Air Force One to warm up, the President spoke about his plan to leave an enduring legacy.
“I figure I’ve got it lined up better than old Jack did,” President Bush mused. I’ve got a space program that’s ridiculously ambitious and I won’t be around to finish. I got us involved in a war that we’ll have a devil of a time getting out of. I strated this one though, didn’t let the French do my dirty work like Jack did.”
When pressed about other details like Marilyn Monroe and the Bay of Pigs, the president looked wistful.
“I sure have tried to mess with Cuba, but with no Soviet Union around it just doesn’t have the life it used to. I hope to get there before I’m done though. As for starlets, that’s not my style. And honestly those two things in particular had a lot to do with how Jack ended up. So I’m in no hurry. Didn’t you ever read American Tabloid?”
Press spokespersons for the President hurried to say the President was only joking anad all policies were implemented only after careful consideration of evidence and expert advice.
“I beat ya Jack! I’m the son of the patriarch that outdid his Dad and lived! HA ha ha ha!” yelled the President as he boarded the plane. Press spokespersons said to pay no attention.
February 12, 2006
Vampires reach out to werewolves
(NEW ORLEANS)
– When hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, vampires in the French Quarter were largely spared from the storms ravages. Many of the city’s werewolves were not so lucky. A group of vampires has started an organization to assist werewolves hit hardest by the storm.
“In some ways for vampires it was a nice break,” said one creature of the night. “The crowds were reduced. The city was ours to roam. Of course eating could be problematic, but we got by. I mean we’re immortal for godsakes, so water rationing wasn’t a problem. But werewolves man, they got hit hard.”
Vampires and werewolves are often thought of as natural enemies, a stereotype exploited by movies like Underworld. But vampires say that’s not so.
“Mostly we just leave each other alone. It’s not so much hostility, as professional indifference.”
A large number of werewolves lived in the 9th ward, and hunted near Lake Pontchartrain, two of the hardest hit areas. An estimated 750 werewolves have been displaced, while the number of vampires in the same situation numbers in the teens.
That’s why a group of vampires has started the “Fangs for Friends Foundation” to give assistance to werewolves.
“The relief efforts for humans is sorely lacking already. There’s absolutely nobody taking care of creatures that hunt by night and hide their true nature. So we’re stepping up,” said one vampire.
Some werewolves don’t yet trust the vampires’ offer. A werewolf who wishes to be identified only as Tim has agreed to help bridge the gap between the two groups.
“I’ll admit I was suspicious at first,” said Tim. “But so far the vampires have been great. They’ve provided food and shelter and have even created a hunting preserve with well-stocked wildlife for moonlit nights. I know a lot of werewolves are still resistant to the idea, afraid it’s some kind of trick, but I invite them to talk to me or any werewolf whose particpated. This is exactly what we need to get our community back on its feet.”
Around 100 werewolves have already participated and mostly give the same glowing reviews as Tim. Interested werewolves are encouraged to call New Orleans municipal supernatural information services for more information.
New Yorker discovers America
(OUTSIDE NEW YORK) – 
Vinnie Columbino accidentally boarded the wrong transit vehicle Friday night and ended up outside of New York City, discovering a whole new world.
“I was so worried at first, but after I realised what I’d found, I couldn’t wait to get back to tell my brother Eddie,” said an ecstatic Columbino. “I was so dang dru..tired, that I got on a frickin’ Greyhound bus. I know! Only losers ride the bus, but there I was.”
As soon as Columbino realised what was happening, he tried to get the bus to turn around.
“I kinda woke up and looked out the window and realised I wasn’t in Queens. I didn’t know where the hell I was. All I saw were parks everywhere. At least I think they were parks. I’ve never seen such big parks. I mean these things never ended. They were at least 30 times the size of Central Park, with these big monster trucks parked in them every so often.”
Columbino got off the bus at the next stop in the city of Bedford.
“I mean you could hardly call it a city. It looked like somebody took a slice of Brooklyn and plopped it down int he middle of nowhere.”
Columbino calls the area ‘America,’ and reports that the people there live much like we do, driving cars, watching television, and eating in restaurants.
“But it’s so much less crowded there. The natives speak a different language though. I tried communicating but they couldn’t understand freakin’ English, man. I had to use sign language to figure out how to get back to the city. It’s like they couldn’t understand a thing I said.”
Columbino plans to make preparations for a second voyage to ‘America’. He also hopes to develop trade relations and try to introduce some culture.
“They have no idea what a Canolli is. Or a Reuben. I feel a responsibility to civilise them. Who knows how many more of them there are outside the known world.”
Columbino’s brother will accompany him, hoping to prove his theory that some places seen on TV shows may in fact be based on secret knowledge places in ‘America.’