February 3, 2006
Pentagon asks for increase in offense budget
(ARLINGTON, VA) – 
Pentagon spokespersons unveiled the latest budget request for US military expenditures, including the largest ever increase in the offense budget.
“Defense spending has been the topic of much discussion for some time,” said a Pentagon spokesperson. “But with the increasing amounts of non-linear strategic entanglements we are forced to engage in, we need to look at our offense budget as well.”
According to military historians, the offense budget was severely slashed along with the renaming of the department of war to the department of defense. The budget has never recovered.
“For years the US pursued a policy of only fighting to defend it’s interests. But with the increase in preemptive actions like Iraq, we can’t continue to borrow from the defense budget for offensive measures,” continued the spokesperson.
Increased offense spending has been criticised roundly by critics who say the best offense is a good defense. But the Pentagon feels that isn’t always true.
“Those critics are paid to criticise things. And while sometimes the best offense is a good defense, you have to remember that good pitching also beats good hitting, sometimes the big bats can prevail. So you wouldn’t not sign any scorers for your hockey team if you want to beat the Lakers now would you?” asked the Pentagon.
Critics said they weren’t sure where to begin and the pentagon responded quickly with, “No more questions.”
February 1, 2006
Tim Kaine puts nation at risk, to sleep
The 
newly elected governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia, Timothy Kaine, put the nation in grave danger Tuesday night during his response to the President’s state of the union address.
While hardened analysts were able to discuss the points of Kaine’s speech, most of the nation including police and security forces were put to sleep by the absolue lack of charisma delivered by the Governor.
“The Governor created a rare rehtorical field known as a NeCA or Negative Charismatic Area,” said SuBBrilliant University scientists. “It began by creating a thin linear distribution of reasonable but uncontroversial objections, and then expanded into an event horizon of sleep-inducing lethargy by subtracting charismatic ions from the area surrounding the camera. Oddly televisions amplified the effect. Radio listeners were only put in a slight fugue state, while TV watchers generally nodded off soundly.”
Democrats hoped the southern governor in a Republican state would add emphasis to their parties official retort. Instead most of the country was unaware the Democrats had even spoken.
Republicans roundly criticised the Governor’s speech for putting the country in danger of attack while everyone slumbered.
“I find it not only irresponsible, but suspicious that the Democrats would put such a man in front of national television,” said Republican spokesperson Bill Smith.
January 28, 2006
President just trying to be a ‘good listener’
(WASHINGTON) 
The President of the United States just wants to make sure he’s “hearing what everyone’s saying,” said a press spokesperson answering questions about the US warrantless phone-tapping issue.
“First and foremost the President doesn’t need a warrant to spy on anyone, as long as we’re in a state of war. And a state of war does not need either a declaration of war, or a well-defined enemy,” said the spokesperson.
“Second I think the President is tired, I think we’re all tired, and the American people certainly are tired, of hearing the media focus on the negatives of warrantless spying. A lot of positives go entirely uncovered by the major media.
“The President knows that in the course of spying on very specific dangerous terrorist targets, we may hear some things not related to terrorism. And that’s good! The President values his connection with the American people. How can knowing a little bit more about what they’re thinking, what their daily lives are like, how can that be bad?
“The President just wants to be a good listener. I think that’s patriotic,” the spokesperson summed up.
The Bush administration does not believe all Americans would mind being spied on with or without a court order.
“We have the feeling, that most freedom-loving Americans would feel more secure knowing the President, and the brave fighting men and women, were out there listening and caring,” responded the spokesperson. “Far from fearing an erosion of civil liberties, we think that most people feel comforted by this.”
November 18, 2005
Woman gets younger to win argument
(SORENTO, IL) – 45 year-old Dana Mueller used to be 47. Doctors at Greenville Regional Hospital confirmed that Mrs. Mueller is in fact getting younger.
“It’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen in my 53 years of treating scrapes, sprains, and sore throats,” said General Practicioner Dr. Gerald Daisy. “But there’s no doubt about the results. Mrs. Mueller is younger than the last time I examined her.”
Mueller refused to give interviews but reports indicate she began getting younger out of spite.
“We had an argument. I don’t remember what about,” said her husand, Jack Mueller. “You know how these things go. I told her she wasn’t getting any younger and she said, Oh yeah!”
A week after the argument Mrs. Mueller, still steamed, stormed off to the hospital shouting “I’m going to prove you wrong… again.. Jack!”
It took two days for test results to be confirmed. Doctors from Washington University in St. Louis have requested the test results for review.
“If we can figure out how to replicate this, we may be prescribing spite and bitter acrimony to older people as a curative,” said Dean of Medicine at Washington University Charlie Spoetzel.
November 1, 2005
Woman arrested for whistling
(ATLANTA) A woman on a commuter train was arrested today for failing to get authorization to perform a musical composition.
Ms. Nelda Wilder of East Point was whistling a popular tune when recording industry professionals presented her with a bill. When Ms. Wilder stated she could not pay the bill she was taken under arrest.
“Ms. Wilder has wilfully performed this composition often without even trying to seek any permission or authorization,” claimed a representative of the recording industry. “The tune is quite catchy and lodges in the brains of anyone in listening distance. This kind of unauthorized performance and distribution takes food off the tables of some of America’s greatest artists. We need to educate the public. Whistling is theft.”
Ms. Wilder was released on bond but will face both civil and criminal charges.
The recording industry does not feel they are being overzealous.
“Ms. Wilder represents the worst kind of offender, a seemingly innocent one. It is this kind of abuse that is the most insidious and must be stamped out wherever it occurs. If people want to whistle their own compositions in public that’s their look out. We’re not trying to eliminate tuneless whistling, just any combination of notes that can generate a revenue stream.”