August 12, 2005
Badly-written Law Outlaws Happy Couples
(PANA, IL) A small town in central Illinois thought it was protecting marriage as between a man and a woman but accidentally has made it against the law to be happily married.
A city ordinance making it illegal for a “gay couple to be married” has caused an outrage as the town Sherriff has begun arresting and fining any husbands and wives found to lightheartedly enjoying themselves.
“I don’t make the laws,” said Sherriff Beeson T. Hoffstedder, “I just enforce them.”
The local law enforcement agency uses the Webster’s definition of “Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted excitement; merry.”
Some couples have tried to get around the law by acting ecstatic, manic, or jocular. Hoffstedder says the attempts don’t change anything.
“We usually see right through the overacting and wait until they calm down into a light cheerfulness. Then we cuff ’em.”
The Sheriff’s department is not only enforcing the light-hearted definition.
“Of course we enforce the other definition of gay as well,” added the Sherriff, “But we don’t have too many bright or lively-colored couples here.”
City councilmembers have called an emergency session to recast the law, but the Sherriff says that won’t help couples already in violation.
“I hope they do change it,” said Hoffstedder. “But the law is the law right now, so these people will have to be tried under it the way it is.”
So far five couples have been arrested and all but one are free on bail. The couple that remains in jail are engaging in a sustained giggling marathon in an attempt to prove they are seriously happy and not just cheerful.
“That’s for the judge to decide,” said Hoffstedder.
Meanwhile married folks can be spotted by their dour expressions in public.
August 10, 2005
NASA Ready to Trade In
(HUNTSVILLE, AL) – Tired of the constant repairs, and the nagging that goes along with it, NASA announced today they’re looking to trade-in their old shuttles for newer models.
“We like working on the shuttles, it’s kind of therapeautic,” said Michael D. Griffin. “It’s especially great on weekends. Gets us out of the house. But lately it just seems like it’s all upkeep. And we never hear the end of it.”
NASA is being pressured to finally plunk down for a new model like the Black Horse, but is resisting the idea, pointing out how much depreciation sets in the minute you roll a space vehicle out of the showroom.
“I’ve got a line on a great deal on an old Buran,” said Griffin.
Those favoring the new vehicles fear a pre-owned space vehicle will have just as many problems as the current shuttles, especially considering the lack of reliable historys such as carfax.com gives to car-buyers.
But both sides agree that it’s better to look for options now, than wait until they’ve run their old vehicle into the ground with no resale value at all.
August 9, 2005
Iraq Offensive Out of Gas
Embedded with the 1138th Armored Brigade, somewhere near the Syrian Border.
(IRAQ) – Somewhere near the Syrian border (the military prohibits revealing detailed, geographical information over the Internet), this latest in a serious of retaliatory offensive strikes against the terrorist incursion of Western Iraq has run out of gas.
The soldiers on the ground, who have taken to calling this most recent assault “Operation 34°32’18.85″N, 41° 9’0.78″E ” remain cheerful, however, and optimistic that the situation will turn around.
“We’re in high spirits,” says Major N. Cunvienants, of the Army’s 1138th Armored Brigade. “This job is gonna get done sooner or later. Looks like later now. How later remains to be seen. I could make a guess, but that would be a classified guess, and I couldn’t share it with you.”
Logistical difficulties have plagued the military’s occupation of Iraq since the early days of the war, when enthusiastic commanders could be overheard telling their troops to “Forget about the water. Bring more bullets.” This advice proved imprudent as it became clear that supply trucks were unable to travel as quickly as retreating Iraqi soldiers.
The Army’s 1138th, however, has had a particularly difficult time of it. Often advancing far beyond the scope of the American public’s ability to care.
“Yeah, we tend to go off the map a lot,” says Major Cunvienants. “I mean some days even I wonder what the hell I’m doing out here. Then I see this gun in my hand and this map with these arrows and I remember that I’ve got a mission to do, and I aim to do it.”
When asked exactly what this mission might entail, the commander of the Army’s Western-most battle unit was unable to speculate on the record, saying only that “It will make the world a better place.”
Meanwhile, the vehicles under his command are not moving and his men, seeing no one at whom to shoot at present, doodle in the sand or listen to their iPods. Officials at the Pentagon claim that logistical support of the 1138th is “Definitely on our radar,” and cheerfully point out the brigade’s remarkable death toll to date, which currently stands at just under four thousand terrorists killed or left for dead.