July 14, 2017
Australian Law Guarantees Australian Sports Victories
CANBERRA – Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull announced a proposed law that will make it illegal for any number to be greater than the total amount of points scored by an Australian national sports team in any one game.
As an example, Prime Minister Turnbull noted that under the proposed law, the number 19 would be considered greater than the number 24 in regards to the June Scotland-Australia rugby test, granting the Wallabies the victory.
Some reporters asked if this didn’t run counter to the laws of simple mathematics.
Turnbull replied, “The laws of mathematics are very commendable but the only laws that apply in Australia is the law of Australia.”
The proposal will be introduced in parliament when it reconvenes in August.
February 16, 2006
Belleville man watches olympics
(BELLEVILLE, IL) – 
NBC executives showed up with gifts at the house of Doyle File yesterday after learning the construction worker had watched several hours of olympic programming.
“We were just thrilled to hear Mr. File watched and enjoyed our olympics coverage. We’re here to thank him and reward the customer loyalty Mr. File exhibited,” said Dick Ebersol, Chairman, NBC Universal Sports & Olympics.
File, on the other hand, was stunned that he’d even watched the olympics.
“I’d been watching Jeapordy and fell asleep,” said File. “Next thing I know I waked up and some pretty girl is running around an ice rink. I thought it was a half-time show or somthin’ at first. But the remote was way over on the other side of the room. So I watched until my beer ran out.”
Johnny Weir was the only US skater performing the night File watched.
Ebersol also noted that if the US had more patriots like File the world would be a better place.
“Oh I don’t know,” said File when asked if he would continue to watch. “They’ve all been so nice giving me those Friends DVDs and that Cheers shot glass. I’m gonna try. I’m gonna really try.”
NBC paid $613 million for US rights to the winter games.
August 11, 2005
Atlanta Braves Change Name
(ATLANTA) – In a bold move stemming from years of protests, the Atlanta Braves baseball team announced today that this would be their last season as the Braves.
“We believe that while there is a long history associated with the franchise nickname, the name is not as important as the game. We can no longer be a party to oppression,” said a piece of paper handed out by nameless Time-Warner functionaries.
In a separate press release, the Time-Warner committe on departmental internal and external nomenclature reported the team will internally be referred to as the Atlanta Division for Live Performing Sports Events Marketing, Promotion and Merchandising.
“Externally we’ll call them the Committe Regarding Actual Corporate K Event Reality Systems or ‘CRACKERS’,” said the second piece of paper.
The abrupt change was originally attributed to the controversy caused by a San Francisco radio announcer referring to the San Francisco Giants players as “brain-dead Carribeans.” Many Carribean players as well as the Giants manager took grave offense to the racial slur especially since some the worst players on the Giants are non-carribean. The families of many brain-dead patients have also protested over being compared to the Giants considering how they’ve played this year.
However the controversy had no affect on the Time-Warner decision as corporate marketers had been meeting far too often to have heard about the story.