August 3, 2006
Secret World Leaders Miffed at Middle East
The secret world government called a hasty meeting in their buried world headquarters this week, to discuss the turmoil in the middle east.
“This is getting way out of hand. We did not approve this. It should not be happening. Not yet,” said one member of the council.
Among controlling the world economies, developing sitcoms, and flouridating water, the secret world government also schedules wars.
“There was a small skirmish scheduled for around now as I recall but somebody’s getting overenthusiastic. Or at least well ahead of schedule.”
An angry crowd of secret people who run the world filled the secret chambers for the first time since David Hasselhof was created.
“We have unprecedented attendance. Only the undead body of John Kennedy is absent. I believe he’s vacationing in Cuba,” said a spokesperson.
The secret government will debate several alternate proposals and choose a course of action. The plan will be covered up and denied by 5 p.m. Friday.
April 13, 2006
Rice thanks Iran for cooperating
(WASHINGTON DC) 
The Secretary of State for the US finished up statements about Iran by thanking them for cooperating.
“We have had Iran on the drawing board for a preemptive strike for quite awhile but couldn’t put together even the flimsiets of excuses. We kept saying, what could be our hostages?” laughed Rice.
“Man, if we’d been Carter we’d have been in there in two seconds. But now with the enrichment of Uranium, we don’t even need an excuse. It writes itself.”
Rice had taken Iran to task for allegedly defying the UN by continuing with a nuclear program. Her remarks were made off the record and immediatelt sealed as part of national security.
Reporters were told if they ‘printed that crap’ they’d be told they were quoting Rice out of context, that she was at best joking, and they would be stripped of their press identification papers.
Reporters who stated there was no such thing as press identification papers were met with a “You wait” from Ms. Rice.
April 11, 2006
President Bush trying to be Kennedy
(WASHINGTON, DC) – 
President Bush today admitted that he was modeling his legacy on John F. Kennedy.
“Except for the assasination part. Not that part,” the President said quietly.
In a rare moment of candor while waiting for Air Force One to warm up, the President spoke about his plan to leave an enduring legacy.
“I figure I’ve got it lined up better than old Jack did,” President Bush mused. I’ve got a space program that’s ridiculously ambitious and I won’t be around to finish. I got us involved in a war that we’ll have a devil of a time getting out of. I strated this one though, didn’t let the French do my dirty work like Jack did.”
When pressed about other details like Marilyn Monroe and the Bay of Pigs, the president looked wistful.
“I sure have tried to mess with Cuba, but with no Soviet Union around it just doesn’t have the life it used to. I hope to get there before I’m done though. As for starlets, that’s not my style. And honestly those two things in particular had a lot to do with how Jack ended up. So I’m in no hurry. Didn’t you ever read American Tabloid?”
Press spokespersons for the President hurried to say the President was only joking anad all policies were implemented only after careful consideration of evidence and expert advice.
“I beat ya Jack! I’m the son of the patriarch that outdid his Dad and lived! HA ha ha ha!” yelled the President as he boarded the plane. Press spokespersons said to pay no attention.
February 1, 2006
Tim Kaine puts nation at risk, to sleep
The 
newly elected governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia, Timothy Kaine, put the nation in grave danger Tuesday night during his response to the President’s state of the union address.
While hardened analysts were able to discuss the points of Kaine’s speech, most of the nation including police and security forces were put to sleep by the absolue lack of charisma delivered by the Governor.
“The Governor created a rare rehtorical field known as a NeCA or Negative Charismatic Area,” said SuBBrilliant University scientists. “It began by creating a thin linear distribution of reasonable but uncontroversial objections, and then expanded into an event horizon of sleep-inducing lethargy by subtracting charismatic ions from the area surrounding the camera. Oddly televisions amplified the effect. Radio listeners were only put in a slight fugue state, while TV watchers generally nodded off soundly.”
Democrats hoped the southern governor in a Republican state would add emphasis to their parties official retort. Instead most of the country was unaware the Democrats had even spoken.
Republicans roundly criticised the Governor’s speech for putting the country in danger of attack while everyone slumbered.
“I find it not only irresponsible, but suspicious that the Democrats would put such a man in front of national television,” said Republican spokesperson Bill Smith.
January 28, 2006
President just trying to be a ‘good listener’
(WASHINGTON) 
The President of the United States just wants to make sure he’s “hearing what everyone’s saying,” said a press spokesperson answering questions about the US warrantless phone-tapping issue.
“First and foremost the President doesn’t need a warrant to spy on anyone, as long as we’re in a state of war. And a state of war does not need either a declaration of war, or a well-defined enemy,” said the spokesperson.
“Second I think the President is tired, I think we’re all tired, and the American people certainly are tired, of hearing the media focus on the negatives of warrantless spying. A lot of positives go entirely uncovered by the major media.
“The President knows that in the course of spying on very specific dangerous terrorist targets, we may hear some things not related to terrorism. And that’s good! The President values his connection with the American people. How can knowing a little bit more about what they’re thinking, what their daily lives are like, how can that be bad?
“The President just wants to be a good listener. I think that’s patriotic,” the spokesperson summed up.
The Bush administration does not believe all Americans would mind being spied on with or without a court order.
“We have the feeling, that most freedom-loving Americans would feel more secure knowing the President, and the brave fighting men and women, were out there listening and caring,” responded the spokesperson. “Far from fearing an erosion of civil liberties, we think that most people feel comforted by this.”