January 19, 2006
Suicide bombers tired of amateurs
(Amman) –
A group of anonymous terrorists announced a professional society to help reduce the number of amateurs engaging in suicide bombing.
“With all the media coverage, kids these days think anyone can just waltz in and blow themselves up in Baghdad,” said anonymous terrorist one. “They don’t understand it’s an art. You have to learn it. If you do it right, you’ll only get once chance at it. It’s not something you want to just wing it, you know?.”
The International Brotherhood of Self-sacrifical Explosionaries (IBSE) will consist of a board of directors oversseing a school and certification program. Members will be solicited consistently.
“This is obviously a high-turnover occupation,” said anonymous terrorist one. “We’ll always be recruiting. And it’s a tough job. Kids look at me and say ‘you’ve never done it. why should I listen to you?’ but as they say, if you can’t do, teach. We need these kids to know they can safely and securely self-destruct and not leave themselves permanently damaged. But if they don’t have proper instruction, they’re risking their lives. Well, you know what I mean. Not properly risking their lives.”
The IBSE says they aim to reduce the total number of bombings, while increasing their quality. They also will issue confirmations of whether any given bombing is IBSE approved or not.
“We won’t be claiming or assigning credit of course. We must protect the confidentiality of our clients. But we can issue blanket assurances of quality. Most of the major organizations are on board. We’ve heard Osama loves it. So we don’t expect the certification or not to be too telling.”
September 15, 2005
President Discovered to Have Bladder
(NEW YORK) – Another shocking revelation rocked the White House yesterday as a Reuters photo taken at the United Nations showed President Bush clearly and undeniably requesting a bathroom break.
“Once again the Bush Administration is caught with their pants down,” said Green Party Activist Trey Reynolds. “Or at least requesting that they would like to go into a private room and take their pants down. You can quibble about this but the real question remains why the administration has not come forward with this information about the President before now? Why hide it in surreptitious notes?”
Analysts pointed to the revelation as another blow to the President’s credibility and wondered whether the administration could survive.
“How much more can they take?” said political commentator Al Franklin. “How foolish do they think the American people are?”
White House officials spoke off the record to tell reporters the note was being misinterpreted.
“A ‘bathroom break’ is code for the President getting up and pissing all over the arguments being made,” said an anonymous source. “It’s just the Presidents colorful way of talking. Like when Frank Sinatra used to say it ‘looked like rain’ when he was about to leave a party. Bush is cool like Sinatra.”
Congressional Democrats are calling for an investigation into the note and the reasons the President’s eliminatory situation has not been acknowledged publicly.
“We need to know what happened, when, and how it came out,” said Minority leader Nancy Pelosi.
August 28, 2005
Bush Praises Sunni Rejection as ‘Compromise’
(WASHINGTON) – As Sunnis flatly rejected a draft of the Iraqi consitution, President Bush blazed more new ground in logic by praising the rejection as a great compromise.
The President slid partway toward traditional logic when he admitted some Sunnis may not agree with the constitution they oppose. “Some Sunnis expressed reservations about provisions of the constitution,” admitted the President in a moment of logical weakness.
Meanwhile Sunnis remained rooted in primitive honesty.
“We declare that we don’t agree and we reject the articles that were mentioned in the draft and we did not reach consensus on them in what makes the draft illegitimate,” they said in a statement read by Abdul-Nasser al-Janabi.
If the Sunnis excercise their veto over the constitution, professional logicians are expecting a major advance in logic from the President.
“We expect President Bush to hail any Veto as either a ‘great victory’ or ‘amazing progress’.” Said SuBBrilliant University logician Michael Smithson. “But he may suprise us with an even bolder conclusion.”
August 16, 2005
World Praises Heroic Failure
(WASHINGTON) – After the Iraqi Parliament gave themselves another week to write a constitution, US leaders were quick to hail the heroic procrastination.
Following in the footsteps of a search for weapons that didn’t exist and declaring the war over while the fighting continues on years later, the US administration hailed the failure to approve a constitution on time as “heroic.”
For Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice it’s a matter of faith.
“I believe they’re going to finish this and I’ve heard expressions from the Iraqis that they believe that they’re going to finish it,” she said.
Logicians worldwide hailed this latest measure of praise for failure as emblematic of the US Government’s ability to blaze trails of logic where truth has never strayed.
“It would be one thing to say encouraging words to the Iraqis as they attempt this difficult, almost impossible task of rebuilding their state as a democracy, but to hail it as heroic. That’s the mark of the frontier-building this administration has done in the field of strained logic,” said Subbrilliant University’s chief logician.
August 11, 2005
Terrorists Jealous of Babes, Money, not Freedom
(AMARILLO, TX) – In a rare interview with western media, a group of terrorists explained that they are not jealous of our freedom, as President Bush is fond of saying.
“Babes and money. That’s what we’re angry about,” said John Al-Smith. “Freedom? Not so much. You all have a lot less freedom than you think. No, it’s the chicks and the dough. Our culture accumulates all wealth in the rulers, while hiding women far away. While you have much accumulated wealth in the top 1% here, you still can afford to shop at things like “The Container Store” to hold all your stuff. And you have a thriving business in “Storage” for even the poorest of people to keep their many possesions. We have large deserts and absolutely NO Container Stores. Why wouldn’t we be jealous?”
Smith’s statements were seconded by his body guard Jeffha Br’own.
“You people sit around basking in your plastic organizers, your porcelain figurines and your seemingly endless amounts off goo-gaws and doo-dads while every souvenir made by our brothers and sisters is wrenched from our hands and taken from our country. Everything in my mother’s house is useful. Everything! We are tired of you hoarding your vast treasure of greeting cards and amusing coffee table books. We spit on your special gift items. Sweet AND salty snacks, whenever you want? It is an abomination.”
Smith and Br’own said they have no love for the great Satan of America and are tired of being misunderstood.
“Your President Bush comes from Texas, one of the great homes of gift items. Yet he continues to say we are jealous of your freedom. Your hummels, not your heritage is the true reason for our anger,” clarified Smith.
Br’own and Smith left the press conference to attempt to eat a 72 ounce steak dinner in under an hour and get it free.
“We hope to undermine your economy through these ridiculous offers,” said Smith.