June 11, 2008
Vaudeville hit hard by tomato salmonella scare
POUGHKEEPSIE – The tomato salmonella scare has left local playhouses nearly empty. Performers refuse to go on stage with their comic shenanigans and mummery for fear of contracting a deadly disease.
“First there was talkies, then radio, then television and the Internet. Now this? Forget about it!” said Willie Shorbenstein, the Silly Sword Swallower. “It ain’t worth it. I’m not taking that stage! Not at the cost of my life, I’m not!”
The fear preventing these otherwise intrepid performers from braving the lights and greasepaint is the same fear haunting shoppers at produce markets nationwide.
“Even the best performer has an off night sometimes,” explained Orpheum Manager Sheck Gordon. “One tomato thrown in the mouth and boom! You’ve got the Salmon sickness. Er, whatever they call it.”
Some playhouse entrepreneurs are not so forgiving. Dally Maldonado runs “The Opera” and has said he’ll blackball any performer who refuses to take the stage this weekend.
“So what? I’m supposed to believe that the audience is gonna buy a bunch of tainted tomatoes!? These peoples are not so much with the brains around here, maybe, but they ain’t stupid neither. Those tomatoes can kill anyone, audiences and bearded balladeers alike. There ain’t nuttin’ to be afraid of but Bein’ knocked in the noggin by a fresh healthy zuchinni maybe. And if you get that, you deserve it!” he shouted.
Still, only the bravest performers will be risking the onsluaght. Joey “bam-bam” Bambaum is one of them.
“I get slugged in the head with a baseball bat 20 times a night during our sketch,” said Bambaum. “I don’t think a tomato is what’s likely to kill the likes of Joey “bam-bam” Bambaum. You spell bam-bam without capitals. ”
Until tomatoes are cleared of any kind of taint, expect vaudeville to continue to suffer.
December 31, 2007
Outside gets a big boost from writer’s strike
(Hollywood) As the Writer’s Guild Association strike wears on, more than just reality shows are reaping the benefits.
Outside has told reporters that it’s seen a huge boost in interest and expects it to become even greater in the new year.
A spokesperson for outside noted that their 60-year slide in usage may finally turning around.
“Ever since television, and especially color television, we’ve seen steep drops in interest each year,” said the spokesperson. Our partnership with the publishing industry to ‘go outside and read a book’ has largely proved ineffective. This strike is the best news for us since Jack Paar got kicked off the Tonight Show.”
Across the board increases in such categories as “taking a walk”, “leaving the house” and even “sitting on the stoop” have encouraged officials of outside.
But critics say the gains may be short-lived.
Don Rovdak of the American Institute of Scientific Studies believes the benefits may be temporary.
“Not only will the strike not last forever,” said Rovdak, “But things like video games and the World Wide Web aren’t going on strike. These are more likely alternatives for people than Outside.”
Previously top outside officials pinned their hopes on global warming to make going outside more attractive.
February 19, 2006
God sends Penn Jillette to Hell
(LAS VEGAS) – 
Penn Jillette, the big guy from Penn and Teller, and host of a FreeFM radio show, has been sent straight to Hell, according to God’s spokesperson the Archangel Michael.
“Mr. Jillette found this hard to believe, but God’s been a fan of his for years,” said Michael. “He noticed that producers often cast Mr. Jillette as Satan.”
Michael explained that while God felt Jillette’s portrayal was certainly inspired, it lacked in depth and accuracy.
“Atheists don’t have the hangups that prevent a truly accurate performance of supernatural beings, but they also lack the impulse to research the parts. God’s such a big fan, he just wanted to lend a hand,” said Michael.
Jillette was woken Saturday morning by the Grim Reaper who ushered him into the realme of darkness for a one-hour meeting with Lucifer and a short tour of Hell.
Unlike most assignments, the Grim Reaper had a return trip after the tour was over, bringing Jillette back to Las Vegas.
“It’s really not that far of a trip,” said Reaper.
Jillette was unphased by the experience.
“It didn’t change any of my non-beliefs but it certainly, most definitely, will help in future parts,” said Jillette. “Plus, Satan, and really a lot of people in hell, what would you call them, Hellions? A lot of Hellions are huge fans of Bulls hit, our show on Showtime.”
God is not bothered by Jillette’s lack of faith, according to Michael.
“Look, that’s just Penn being Penn,” explained Michael. “This was just about helping out a member of the entertainment industry, not about conversion. God’s not always trying to do everything at once. He can if he wants to of course, he just doesn’t want to.”
January 24, 2006
MPAA sues man for having friends over
(HOLLYWOOD)
– The MPAA brought a case against Ronald Smith of Buena Vista, California, alleging gross violations of intellectual property rights and video piracy.
The MPAA alleges Smith willfully invited friends over to his house to watch a TiVo recording of the movie ‘War of the Worlds’ without first seeking permission and paying a license.
“Essentially Mr. Smith was stealing from Tom Cruise here,” said MPAA’s spokesperson. “Instead of being able to make a living off the purchases of movie tickets or DVDs by Mr. Smith’s friends, Tom Cruise, and the producers of the War of the Worlds movie, one who I have come to understand has a very sick and small and cute child, are left out in the cold. Literally. Did Mr. Smith consider he was taking food from a cold sick child’s mouth when he so cavalierly invited loads of people to steal this movie?”
Smith said he only invited two buddies over and that they’d watched movies at his and others’ houses quite often.
The MPAA asserets that watching a videotape is a different matter than watching digital videos.
“The high-definition and digital nature of the copy Mr. Smith displayed is entirely different than watching an old videotape. We have no problem with the way things were done in the past, but this is new technology. Videotapes left people feeling like they wanted more. A digital recording, like the one Mr. Smith stole, does not. And people should be forced to pay,” said the MPAA spokesperson.
The MPAA has asked congress to require future video-playing devices to be equipped with technology that would scan the room for a headcount and automatically debit the credit cards of anyone watching the movie.
August 18, 2005
Big Hollywood Movie Disappoints Critics, Makes $$$
(HOLLYWOOD) – A huge Hollywood action movie starring some big names and a few unknowns is raking in millions at the box office, although critics are disappointed.
“It’s just another forumlaic plot carried along by big explosions and big-budget special effects. It’s the kind of drivel you expect from Hollywood,” said a critic.
While the blockbuster set records for opening day reciepts, the studios were bemoaning the fact that the movie wasn’t turning the profits it expected and pleaded with Americans to get off their couches and retun to the theaters.
“We may have to stop making insanely expensive movies with virtually no artistic value but lots of hot women and explosions. If Americans don’t want to see hot women and explosions then thy’re doing the right thing by staying away from theaters. But all I can say is when you start wondering where all the hot women and explosions went, don’t come crying to us,” said a Hollywood studio executive.
Meanwhile audiences lined up and raved about the new flick, saying it’s one of the best hits of the summer.
“I don’t know if it’s good,” said an average movie-goer, “but you have to see it on the big screen. The special effects and hot women were just awesome.”
Despite the dissapointment of critics and studio execs, the Director is already working on the sequel.