August 14, 2005
Worst Pilot in Air Force Dies, Iraq Safer
(Washington, DC) Iraqi Air Force Capt. Ali Hussam Abass Alrubaeye, already notorious for being the worst pilot in Iraq, is now officially recognized as the most efficient killer of American soldiers in the war, an honor which ironically grants his unidentifiable remains the right to a military funeral at Arlington National Cemetery.
Abass, despite earning the dubious distinction of single-handedly inflicting more US casualties in a single action than any other Iraqi, is not, however, considered an enemy combatant.
“He was just a lousy pilot, is all,” said Col. Dwight D. Arbegast, at the Pentagon. “Listen, these Iraqi Air Force Pilots aren’t going to become Chuck Yeager overnight. Hell, we killed the ones that were any good fifteen years ago.”
Abass and four US servicemen died when their four-seat turboprop plane crashed while on a routine reconnaissance mission in May. The cause of the crash is still under investigation, but is not suspected to have been the result of enemy fire.
“We’re pretty sure Abass crashed that plane on his own,” claims Col. Arbegast. “So that’s five casualties we get to put on our list, instead of the enemy’s. I call that a victory.”
While there is currently no military decoration awarded for the act of denying the enemy casualties, The Department of State recognized Abass’s achievement by granting his unidentifiable remains burial at Arlington, alongside the men he is credited with having killed.
Yet the situation could be further complicated as more details of the accident are uncovered.
“There’s a chance that the aircraft itself may be responsible,” according to Dr. Henry Weismuller, a civilian aeronautic crash analyst employed as a consultant for the fledgling Iraqi Air Force. “The Comp Air 7 SL is a piece of crap, technically speaking. I mean, they build those things in the Czech Republic for crying out loud.”
According to sources inside the Pentagon, should Weismuller find the aircraft to have been at fault, it will be declared a weapon of mass destruction and destroyed lest it fall into enemy hands. There is no word as to what may happen to Abbas’s remains, should that be the case.
August 12, 2005
Badly-written Law Outlaws Happy Couples
(PANA, IL) A small town in central Illinois thought it was protecting marriage as between a man and a woman but accidentally has made it against the law to be happily married.
A city ordinance making it illegal for a “gay couple to be married” has caused an outrage as the town Sherriff has begun arresting and fining any husbands and wives found to lightheartedly enjoying themselves.
“I don’t make the laws,” said Sherriff Beeson T. Hoffstedder, “I just enforce them.”
The local law enforcement agency uses the Webster’s definition of “Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted excitement; merry.”
Some couples have tried to get around the law by acting ecstatic, manic, or jocular. Hoffstedder says the attempts don’t change anything.
“We usually see right through the overacting and wait until they calm down into a light cheerfulness. Then we cuff ’em.”
The Sheriff’s department is not only enforcing the light-hearted definition.
“Of course we enforce the other definition of gay as well,” added the Sherriff, “But we don’t have too many bright or lively-colored couples here.”
City councilmembers have called an emergency session to recast the law, but the Sherriff says that won’t help couples already in violation.
“I hope they do change it,” said Hoffstedder. “But the law is the law right now, so these people will have to be tried under it the way it is.”
So far five couples have been arrested and all but one are free on bail. The couple that remains in jail are engaging in a sustained giggling marathon in an attempt to prove they are seriously happy and not just cheerful.
“That’s for the judge to decide,” said Hoffstedder.
Meanwhile married folks can be spotted by their dour expressions in public.
August 11, 2005
Terrorists Jealous of Babes, Money, not Freedom
(AMARILLO, TX) – In a rare interview with western media, a group of terrorists explained that they are not jealous of our freedom, as President Bush is fond of saying.
“Babes and money. That’s what we’re angry about,” said John Al-Smith. “Freedom? Not so much. You all have a lot less freedom than you think. No, it’s the chicks and the dough. Our culture accumulates all wealth in the rulers, while hiding women far away. While you have much accumulated wealth in the top 1% here, you still can afford to shop at things like “The Container Store” to hold all your stuff. And you have a thriving business in “Storage” for even the poorest of people to keep their many possesions. We have large deserts and absolutely NO Container Stores. Why wouldn’t we be jealous?”
Smith’s statements were seconded by his body guard Jeffha Br’own.
“You people sit around basking in your plastic organizers, your porcelain figurines and your seemingly endless amounts off goo-gaws and doo-dads while every souvenir made by our brothers and sisters is wrenched from our hands and taken from our country. Everything in my mother’s house is useful. Everything! We are tired of you hoarding your vast treasure of greeting cards and amusing coffee table books. We spit on your special gift items. Sweet AND salty snacks, whenever you want? It is an abomination.”
Smith and Br’own said they have no love for the great Satan of America and are tired of being misunderstood.
“Your President Bush comes from Texas, one of the great homes of gift items. Yet he continues to say we are jealous of your freedom. Your hummels, not your heritage is the true reason for our anger,” clarified Smith.
Br’own and Smith left the press conference to attempt to eat a 72 ounce steak dinner in under an hour and get it free.
“We hope to undermine your economy through these ridiculous offers,” said Smith.
Atlanta Braves Change Name
(ATLANTA) – In a bold move stemming from years of protests, the Atlanta Braves baseball team announced today that this would be their last season as the Braves.
“We believe that while there is a long history associated with the franchise nickname, the name is not as important as the game. We can no longer be a party to oppression,” said a piece of paper handed out by nameless Time-Warner functionaries.
In a separate press release, the Time-Warner committe on departmental internal and external nomenclature reported the team will internally be referred to as the Atlanta Division for Live Performing Sports Events Marketing, Promotion and Merchandising.
“Externally we’ll call them the Committe Regarding Actual Corporate K Event Reality Systems or ‘CRACKERS’,” said the second piece of paper.
The abrupt change was originally attributed to the controversy caused by a San Francisco radio announcer referring to the San Francisco Giants players as “brain-dead Carribeans.” Many Carribean players as well as the Giants manager took grave offense to the racial slur especially since some the worst players on the Giants are non-carribean. The families of many brain-dead patients have also protested over being compared to the Giants considering how they’ve played this year.
However the controversy had no affect on the Time-Warner decision as corporate marketers had been meeting far too often to have heard about the story.
August 10, 2005
NASA Ready to Trade In
(HUNTSVILLE, AL) – Tired of the constant repairs, and the nagging that goes along with it, NASA announced today they’re looking to trade-in their old shuttles for newer models.
“We like working on the shuttles, it’s kind of therapeautic,” said Michael D. Griffin. “It’s especially great on weekends. Gets us out of the house. But lately it just seems like it’s all upkeep. And we never hear the end of it.”
NASA is being pressured to finally plunk down for a new model like the Black Horse, but is resisting the idea, pointing out how much depreciation sets in the minute you roll a space vehicle out of the showroom.
“I’ve got a line on a great deal on an old Buran,” said Griffin.
Those favoring the new vehicles fear a pre-owned space vehicle will have just as many problems as the current shuttles, especially considering the lack of reliable historys such as carfax.com gives to car-buyers.
But both sides agree that it’s better to look for options now, than wait until they’ve run their old vehicle into the ground with no resale value at all.