June 29, 2006
Scientists discover more than two kinds of people
(NEW YORK ) – 
People who believe there are two kinds of people in this world have another thing coming.
A study by the National Institute for Human Behaviour presented a study today that determines there are actually at least four kinds of people in this world and possibly as many as ten.
The Institute did a blind study of 6,000 men and women of all ages asking them what kind of person they were.
“When we began the data analysis, it initially appeared we had 6,000 kinds of people, as if every person was unique. However we knew that couldn’t be true so we refined our definition of “kind” and narrowed down the categories quite quickly,” said lead resaecrh sociologist Maynard Kremska.
“However we haven’t been able to create a definitive list of categories,” added Kremska. “Our regression analysis shows there can be no less than four and no more than ten. Our best guess is that the upper limit is probably caused by a combination of factors in the basic four.”
The study does not reveal what kinds of people make up the categories.
“We have quantitative proofs of the categories but not scientifically rigorous definitions of what the categories actually are,” said Kremska when questioned. “But you can guess them. Cranky, Idealistic, Shy etc.”
The institue hopes to do further study to nail down category definitions and then label everyone.
“We’re imagining a test, sort of like a blood test. You go into an office and get it done in a few minutes,” said Kremska. “If it comes up cranky, then you can let people know that and they’ll give you more slack. Of course, it might also affect your insurance.”
June 27, 2006
Analogy epidemic worsens
(WASHINGTON, DC) – 
Doctors at the National Research Hospital of the Americas announced startling new numbers in the growing epidemic of analogies.
“We’ve seen an overall 32 percent increase in general analogies, with a staggering 57 percent increase in weak analogies and an overwhelming 172 percent increase in Bulk Analogy Deficient (BAD) analogies,” said chief researcher Dr. Amalgam Hoffstadder.
“It would be like if the sea suddenly was filled with turtles and… damn. Excuse me.”
The paper attributes the steep rise to an increasingly complex world.
“Our studies show that as knowledge becomes more specialized, public discussions become more difficult and more frequently fall back on analogy to make points clear. It would be as if you were a caveman and you suddenly met an astronaut… damn.”
The startling rise in BAD analogies seems to come from increasingly desperate rhetorical techniques from proponents of ideological extremism.
“If you have a fundamentalist Christian arguing with a card-toting Communist they’re going to resort to extreme analogies to make them feel they’re winning. That was not an analogy just there. It wasn’t,” said Dr. Hoffstader.
Experts believe we will only see the problem grow as there is currently no incentive to curb analogy usage.
“It would be as if you filled an inner tube with snakes and then threw it off the Empire State Building aiming for a thimble full of whiskey. Oh I give up,” finished Hoffstader.
Some researchers also believe the analogies may be caused by a virus.