February 3, 2006
Pentagon asks for increase in offense budget
(ARLINGTON, VA) – 
Pentagon spokespersons unveiled the latest budget request for US military expenditures, including the largest ever increase in the offense budget.
“Defense spending has been the topic of much discussion for some time,” said a Pentagon spokesperson. “But with the increasing amounts of non-linear strategic entanglements we are forced to engage in, we need to look at our offense budget as well.”
According to military historians, the offense budget was severely slashed along with the renaming of the department of war to the department of defense. The budget has never recovered.
“For years the US pursued a policy of only fighting to defend it’s interests. But with the increase in preemptive actions like Iraq, we can’t continue to borrow from the defense budget for offensive measures,” continued the spokesperson.
Increased offense spending has been criticised roundly by critics who say the best offense is a good defense. But the Pentagon feels that isn’t always true.
“Those critics are paid to criticise things. And while sometimes the best offense is a good defense, you have to remember that good pitching also beats good hitting, sometimes the big bats can prevail. So you wouldn’t not sign any scorers for your hockey team if you want to beat the Lakers now would you?” asked the Pentagon.
Critics said they weren’t sure where to begin and the pentagon responded quickly with, “No more questions.”