February 12, 2006
New Yorker discovers America
(OUTSIDE NEW YORK) – 
Vinnie Columbino accidentally boarded the wrong transit vehicle Friday night and ended up outside of New York City, discovering a whole new world.
“I was so worried at first, but after I realised what I’d found, I couldn’t wait to get back to tell my brother Eddie,” said an ecstatic Columbino. “I was so dang dru..tired, that I got on a frickin’ Greyhound bus. I know! Only losers ride the bus, but there I was.”
As soon as Columbino realised what was happening, he tried to get the bus to turn around.
“I kinda woke up and looked out the window and realised I wasn’t in Queens. I didn’t know where the hell I was. All I saw were parks everywhere. At least I think they were parks. I’ve never seen such big parks. I mean these things never ended. They were at least 30 times the size of Central Park, with these big monster trucks parked in them every so often.”
Columbino got off the bus at the next stop in the city of Bedford.
“I mean you could hardly call it a city. It looked like somebody took a slice of Brooklyn and plopped it down int he middle of nowhere.”
Columbino calls the area ‘America,’ and reports that the people there live much like we do, driving cars, watching television, and eating in restaurants.
“But it’s so much less crowded there. The natives speak a different language though. I tried communicating but they couldn’t understand freakin’ English, man. I had to use sign language to figure out how to get back to the city. It’s like they couldn’t understand a thing I said.”
Columbino plans to make preparations for a second voyage to ‘America’. He also hopes to develop trade relations and try to introduce some culture.
“They have no idea what a Canolli is. Or a Reuben. I feel a responsibility to civilise them. Who knows how many more of them there are outside the known world.”
Columbino’s brother will accompany him, hoping to prove his theory that some places seen on TV shows may in fact be based on secret knowledge places in ‘America.’