March 2, 2006
More details on Apple Bono
(CUPERTINO, CA) – 
Mysterious Apple rumour expert, ross, continued to divulge information today about Apple’s secret acquisition of U2 singer Bono.
The poster said he got his information from simple market analysis.
“It’s a basic model that most tech companies follow, let’s look at eBay/Paypal and Skype – about a month before the eBay/Skype deal, Paypal were pushing Skype services,” explained ross. “Now lets look at Apple and U2 – see what’s happening?”
The new Apple Bono will come in two colors, a black and a white version, accroding to ross, “black being formal ware and white for promoting the brand.”
One other source said the new name of the lead singer would be the MacBono Pro, not the iBono.
Other expert rumour-spreaders said that Apple is also in the early stages of acquiring the Pope.
March 1, 2006
Apple purchases Bono
(CUPERTINO, CA) – 
According to a tip from a reputable Web message board poster, Apple Inc. is currently in the process of purchasing U2 lead singer Bono.
The poster known as ross said he had irrefutable proof in the form of video and photos. Apple spokesrobots denied the rumour.
“Thanks for your interest in Apple Computers,” said the spokesrobots “We value your favorable press coverage. Please keep an eye out for the next great Apple announcement. It will come you know not how and you know not when. Your question about, buying Bono, will be considered for answering. We have no comment at this time. Thank you for communicating with iPress Corps.”
Subbrilliant News received confirmation of the rumour from a blogger.
“Oh yeah, I have a friend who dates this chick that works in HR at Apple,” said the Blogger. “They not only bought Bono, but they’re planning on a whole new line of Bonos. The Bono Mini to take with you in the car. The PowerBono with multiple processors for use in simultaneous charity appearances. Even a Bono that just speaks in random obscure quotes, called the Buffle. She said she’s try to scan me some pictures to put on my blog.”
Apple fan sites love the acquisition of Bono. Mac fans waxed eloquently about Bono’s sleek design and accessibility.
Critics pointed out Bono’s low market share and high price, and wondered when Bono would become more interoperable.
The new line of Bonos will be announced on March 16 and start at $1,999 for the base model.
February 19, 2006
God sends Penn Jillette to Hell
(LAS VEGAS) – 
Penn Jillette, the big guy from Penn and Teller, and host of a FreeFM radio show, has been sent straight to Hell, according to God’s spokesperson the Archangel Michael.
“Mr. Jillette found this hard to believe, but God’s been a fan of his for years,” said Michael. “He noticed that producers often cast Mr. Jillette as Satan.”
Michael explained that while God felt Jillette’s portrayal was certainly inspired, it lacked in depth and accuracy.
“Atheists don’t have the hangups that prevent a truly accurate performance of supernatural beings, but they also lack the impulse to research the parts. God’s such a big fan, he just wanted to lend a hand,” said Michael.
Jillette was woken Saturday morning by the Grim Reaper who ushered him into the realme of darkness for a one-hour meeting with Lucifer and a short tour of Hell.
Unlike most assignments, the Grim Reaper had a return trip after the tour was over, bringing Jillette back to Las Vegas.
“It’s really not that far of a trip,” said Reaper.
Jillette was unphased by the experience.
“It didn’t change any of my non-beliefs but it certainly, most definitely, will help in future parts,” said Jillette. “Plus, Satan, and really a lot of people in hell, what would you call them, Hellions? A lot of Hellions are huge fans of Bulls hit, our show on Showtime.”
God is not bothered by Jillette’s lack of faith, according to Michael.
“Look, that’s just Penn being Penn,” explained Michael. “This was just about helping out a member of the entertainment industry, not about conversion. God’s not always trying to do everything at once. He can if he wants to of course, he just doesn’t want to.”
February 16, 2006
Belleville man watches olympics
(BELLEVILLE, IL) – 
NBC executives showed up with gifts at the house of Doyle File yesterday after learning the construction worker had watched several hours of olympic programming.
“We were just thrilled to hear Mr. File watched and enjoyed our olympics coverage. We’re here to thank him and reward the customer loyalty Mr. File exhibited,” said Dick Ebersol, Chairman, NBC Universal Sports & Olympics.
File, on the other hand, was stunned that he’d even watched the olympics.
“I’d been watching Jeapordy and fell asleep,” said File. “Next thing I know I waked up and some pretty girl is running around an ice rink. I thought it was a half-time show or somthin’ at first. But the remote was way over on the other side of the room. So I watched until my beer ran out.”
Johnny Weir was the only US skater performing the night File watched.
Ebersol also noted that if the US had more patriots like File the world would be a better place.
“Oh I don’t know,” said File when asked if he would continue to watch. “They’ve all been so nice giving me those Friends DVDs and that Cheers shot glass. I’m gonna try. I’m gonna really try.”
NBC paid $613 million for US rights to the winter games.
February 12, 2006
Vampires reach out to werewolves
(NEW ORLEANS)
– When hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, vampires in the French Quarter were largely spared from the storms ravages. Many of the city’s werewolves were not so lucky. A group of vampires has started an organization to assist werewolves hit hardest by the storm.
“In some ways for vampires it was a nice break,” said one creature of the night. “The crowds were reduced. The city was ours to roam. Of course eating could be problematic, but we got by. I mean we’re immortal for godsakes, so water rationing wasn’t a problem. But werewolves man, they got hit hard.”
Vampires and werewolves are often thought of as natural enemies, a stereotype exploited by movies like Underworld. But vampires say that’s not so.
“Mostly we just leave each other alone. It’s not so much hostility, as professional indifference.”
A large number of werewolves lived in the 9th ward, and hunted near Lake Pontchartrain, two of the hardest hit areas. An estimated 750 werewolves have been displaced, while the number of vampires in the same situation numbers in the teens.
That’s why a group of vampires has started the “Fangs for Friends Foundation” to give assistance to werewolves.
“The relief efforts for humans is sorely lacking already. There’s absolutely nobody taking care of creatures that hunt by night and hide their true nature. So we’re stepping up,” said one vampire.
Some werewolves don’t yet trust the vampires’ offer. A werewolf who wishes to be identified only as Tim has agreed to help bridge the gap between the two groups.
“I’ll admit I was suspicious at first,” said Tim. “But so far the vampires have been great. They’ve provided food and shelter and have even created a hunting preserve with well-stocked wildlife for moonlit nights. I know a lot of werewolves are still resistant to the idea, afraid it’s some kind of trick, but I invite them to talk to me or any werewolf whose particpated. This is exactly what we need to get our community back on its feet.”
Around 100 werewolves have already participated and mostly give the same glowing reviews as Tim. Interested werewolves are encouraged to call New Orleans municipal supernatural information services for more information.