August 3, 2006
Secret World Leaders Miffed at Middle East
The secret world government called a hasty meeting in their buried world headquarters this week, to discuss the turmoil in the middle east.
“This is getting way out of hand. We did not approve this. It should not be happening. Not yet,” said one member of the council.
Among controlling the world economies, developing sitcoms, and flouridating water, the secret world government also schedules wars.
“There was a small skirmish scheduled for around now as I recall but somebody’s getting overenthusiastic. Or at least well ahead of schedule.”
An angry crowd of secret people who run the world filled the secret chambers for the first time since David Hasselhof was created.
“We have unprecedented attendance. Only the undead body of John Kennedy is absent. I believe he’s vacationing in Cuba,” said a spokesperson.
The secret government will debate several alternate proposals and choose a course of action. The plan will be covered up and denied by 5 p.m. Friday.
June 29, 2006
Scientists discover more than two kinds of people
(NEW YORK ) – 
People who believe there are two kinds of people in this world have another thing coming.
A study by the National Institute for Human Behaviour presented a study today that determines there are actually at least four kinds of people in this world and possibly as many as ten.
The Institute did a blind study of 6,000 men and women of all ages asking them what kind of person they were.
“When we began the data analysis, it initially appeared we had 6,000 kinds of people, as if every person was unique. However we knew that couldn’t be true so we refined our definition of “kind” and narrowed down the categories quite quickly,” said lead resaecrh sociologist Maynard Kremska.
“However we haven’t been able to create a definitive list of categories,” added Kremska. “Our regression analysis shows there can be no less than four and no more than ten. Our best guess is that the upper limit is probably caused by a combination of factors in the basic four.”
The study does not reveal what kinds of people make up the categories.
“We have quantitative proofs of the categories but not scientifically rigorous definitions of what the categories actually are,” said Kremska when questioned. “But you can guess them. Cranky, Idealistic, Shy etc.”
The institue hopes to do further study to nail down category definitions and then label everyone.
“We’re imagining a test, sort of like a blood test. You go into an office and get it done in a few minutes,” said Kremska. “If it comes up cranky, then you can let people know that and they’ll give you more slack. Of course, it might also affect your insurance.”
June 27, 2006
Analogy epidemic worsens
(WASHINGTON, DC) – 
Doctors at the National Research Hospital of the Americas announced startling new numbers in the growing epidemic of analogies.
“We’ve seen an overall 32 percent increase in general analogies, with a staggering 57 percent increase in weak analogies and an overwhelming 172 percent increase in Bulk Analogy Deficient (BAD) analogies,” said chief researcher Dr. Amalgam Hoffstadder.
“It would be like if the sea suddenly was filled with turtles and… damn. Excuse me.”
The paper attributes the steep rise to an increasingly complex world.
“Our studies show that as knowledge becomes more specialized, public discussions become more difficult and more frequently fall back on analogy to make points clear. It would be as if you were a caveman and you suddenly met an astronaut… damn.”
The startling rise in BAD analogies seems to come from increasingly desperate rhetorical techniques from proponents of ideological extremism.
“If you have a fundamentalist Christian arguing with a card-toting Communist they’re going to resort to extreme analogies to make them feel they’re winning. That was not an analogy just there. It wasn’t,” said Dr. Hoffstader.
Experts believe we will only see the problem grow as there is currently no incentive to curb analogy usage.
“It would be as if you filled an inner tube with snakes and then threw it off the Empire State Building aiming for a thimble full of whiskey. Oh I give up,” finished Hoffstader.
Some researchers also believe the analogies may be caused by a virus.
April 13, 2006
Rice thanks Iran for cooperating
(WASHINGTON DC) 
The Secretary of State for the US finished up statements about Iran by thanking them for cooperating.
“We have had Iran on the drawing board for a preemptive strike for quite awhile but couldn’t put together even the flimsiets of excuses. We kept saying, what could be our hostages?” laughed Rice.
“Man, if we’d been Carter we’d have been in there in two seconds. But now with the enrichment of Uranium, we don’t even need an excuse. It writes itself.”
Rice had taken Iran to task for allegedly defying the UN by continuing with a nuclear program. Her remarks were made off the record and immediatelt sealed as part of national security.
Reporters were told if they ‘printed that crap’ they’d be told they were quoting Rice out of context, that she was at best joking, and they would be stripped of their press identification papers.
Reporters who stated there was no such thing as press identification papers were met with a “You wait” from Ms. Rice.
April 11, 2006
President Bush trying to be Kennedy
(WASHINGTON, DC) – 
President Bush today admitted that he was modeling his legacy on John F. Kennedy.
“Except for the assasination part. Not that part,” the President said quietly.
In a rare moment of candor while waiting for Air Force One to warm up, the President spoke about his plan to leave an enduring legacy.
“I figure I’ve got it lined up better than old Jack did,” President Bush mused. I’ve got a space program that’s ridiculously ambitious and I won’t be around to finish. I got us involved in a war that we’ll have a devil of a time getting out of. I strated this one though, didn’t let the French do my dirty work like Jack did.”
When pressed about other details like Marilyn Monroe and the Bay of Pigs, the president looked wistful.
“I sure have tried to mess with Cuba, but with no Soviet Union around it just doesn’t have the life it used to. I hope to get there before I’m done though. As for starlets, that’s not my style. And honestly those two things in particular had a lot to do with how Jack ended up. So I’m in no hurry. Didn’t you ever read American Tabloid?”
Press spokespersons for the President hurried to say the President was only joking anad all policies were implemented only after careful consideration of evidence and expert advice.
“I beat ya Jack! I’m the son of the patriarch that outdid his Dad and lived! HA ha ha ha!” yelled the President as he boarded the plane. Press spokespersons said to pay no attention.