August 12, 2005
Badly-written Law Outlaws Happy Couples
(PANA, IL) A small town in central Illinois thought it was protecting marriage as between a man and a woman but accidentally has made it against the law to be happily married.
A city ordinance making it illegal for a “gay couple to be married” has caused an outrage as the town Sherriff has begun arresting and fining any husbands and wives found to lightheartedly enjoying themselves.
“I don’t make the laws,” said Sherriff Beeson T. Hoffstedder, “I just enforce them.”
The local law enforcement agency uses the Webster’s definition of “Showing or characterized by cheerfulness and lighthearted excitement; merry.”
Some couples have tried to get around the law by acting ecstatic, manic, or jocular. Hoffstedder says the attempts don’t change anything.
“We usually see right through the overacting and wait until they calm down into a light cheerfulness. Then we cuff ’em.”
The Sheriff’s department is not only enforcing the light-hearted definition.
“Of course we enforce the other definition of gay as well,” added the Sherriff, “But we don’t have too many bright or lively-colored couples here.”
City councilmembers have called an emergency session to recast the law, but the Sherriff says that won’t help couples already in violation.
“I hope they do change it,” said Hoffstedder. “But the law is the law right now, so these people will have to be tried under it the way it is.”
So far five couples have been arrested and all but one are free on bail. The couple that remains in jail are engaging in a sustained giggling marathon in an attempt to prove they are seriously happy and not just cheerful.
“That’s for the judge to decide,” said Hoffstedder.
Meanwhile married folks can be spotted by their dour expressions in public.