August 14, 2005
Worst Pilot in Air Force Dies, Iraq Safer
(Washington, DC) Iraqi Air Force Capt. Ali Hussam Abass Alrubaeye, already notorious for being the worst pilot in Iraq, is now officially recognized as the most efficient killer of American soldiers in the war, an honor which ironically grants his unidentifiable remains the right to a military funeral at Arlington National Cemetery.
Abass, despite earning the dubious distinction of single-handedly inflicting more US casualties in a single action than any other Iraqi, is not, however, considered an enemy combatant.
“He was just a lousy pilot, is all,” said Col. Dwight D. Arbegast, at the Pentagon. “Listen, these Iraqi Air Force Pilots aren’t going to become Chuck Yeager overnight. Hell, we killed the ones that were any good fifteen years ago.”
Abass and four US servicemen died when their four-seat turboprop plane crashed while on a routine reconnaissance mission in May. The cause of the crash is still under investigation, but is not suspected to have been the result of enemy fire.
“We’re pretty sure Abass crashed that plane on his own,” claims Col. Arbegast. “So that’s five casualties we get to put on our list, instead of the enemy’s. I call that a victory.”
While there is currently no military decoration awarded for the act of denying the enemy casualties, The Department of State recognized Abass’s achievement by granting his unidentifiable remains burial at Arlington, alongside the men he is credited with having killed.
Yet the situation could be further complicated as more details of the accident are uncovered.
“There’s a chance that the aircraft itself may be responsible,” according to Dr. Henry Weismuller, a civilian aeronautic crash analyst employed as a consultant for the fledgling Iraqi Air Force. “The Comp Air 7 SL is a piece of crap, technically speaking. I mean, they build those things in the Czech Republic for crying out loud.”
According to sources inside the Pentagon, should Weismuller find the aircraft to have been at fault, it will be declared a weapon of mass destruction and destroyed lest it fall into enemy hands. There is no word as to what may happen to Abbas’s remains, should that be the case.