October 9, 2005
Good Old Days Found to Be Average
(WASHINGTON, DC) – A group of time travellers using a secret government-developed time machine have confirmed that the ‘good old days’ oft longed for were only average.
“We took several measurements from several different perspectives and have taken care to insure the data was not biased,” said team leader Patrick Rose. “That’s just fancy scientist talk for ‘we we’re damned certain about this.”
The team’s original mission was to travel back in time to discover what was so good about the good old days and make recommendations for making these days just as good.
Instead of fulfilling their mission, the team found out that the good old days were not so different from these days and were in fact only average.
“The only hopeful discovery of our research is that people in the good old days longed for a different good old days. We’re preparing now to visit those good old days and see what we can learn from that time period.”
Meanwhile scientists across the country decried the work as frivilous and unsubstantiated.
“There is no such thing as a time machine,” said Professor Larry Pitts. “Back in the good old days people didn’t allow these kinds of stories to get out of hand.”