January 19, 2006
Suicide bombers tired of amateurs
(Amman) –
A group of anonymous terrorists announced a professional society to help reduce the number of amateurs engaging in suicide bombing.
“With all the media coverage, kids these days think anyone can just waltz in and blow themselves up in Baghdad,” said anonymous terrorist one. “They don’t understand it’s an art. You have to learn it. If you do it right, you’ll only get once chance at it. It’s not something you want to just wing it, you know?.”
The International Brotherhood of Self-sacrifical Explosionaries (IBSE) will consist of a board of directors oversseing a school and certification program. Members will be solicited consistently.
“This is obviously a high-turnover occupation,” said anonymous terrorist one. “We’ll always be recruiting. And it’s a tough job. Kids look at me and say ‘you’ve never done it. why should I listen to you?’ but as they say, if you can’t do, teach. We need these kids to know they can safely and securely self-destruct and not leave themselves permanently damaged. But if they don’t have proper instruction, they’re risking their lives. Well, you know what I mean. Not properly risking their lives.”
The IBSE says they aim to reduce the total number of bombings, while increasing their quality. They also will issue confirmations of whether any given bombing is IBSE approved or not.
“We won’t be claiming or assigning credit of course. We must protect the confidentiality of our clients. But we can issue blanket assurances of quality. Most of the major organizations are on board. We’ve heard Osama loves it. So we don’t expect the certification or not to be too telling.”