Most images have been removed to prevent peeling and irritation.
Sleep With Potatoes!Feb. 26, 1997, Submitted by AcedtectThe FDA is looking into the possibility that the Potato may have to be placed under the controlled substances act as a sleep drug. |
Missouri A Hoax Claims HistorianFeb. 26, 1997, Submitted by Gutwood Click On Headline to view in full screenAnd what about those who have lived in Missouri? "That's the delicious part of the cover-up. Missourians were so positive that they were actually cynics, with this ‘show me' business, that they never really had to be shown anything," continued Bilbore. "Just give them a Capitol in Jefferson City (which is really in Arkansas) and print up some Driver's Licenses, and the people of the show-me state don't have to be shown a damn thing." |
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South Dakota ReappearsFeb. 26, 1997 Submitted by AceDtectIn a related story, North Dakota claimed to have disappeared but no one bothered to check. If it has disappeared no one has yet been affected and the government is advising that we go about our business and ignore the state's deperate plea for attention. |
From the SBN ArchivesThe Amphibians Came To ConquerJune 22, 1993, Submitted by M. Wheeple OrmayerA world war between frogs, salamanders and dinosaurs broke out. Vegetable man was killed and JUlie Shades fell in love with Thursday who was eventually stepped on. She named the day of his death after him and moved north to start the human race. The amphibians and the dinosaurs annihilated each other and humans were left to dominate the Earth. |
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A RetractionFeb. 26, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap Click On Headline to view in full screenDear SBN Readers,In the February 4, 1997 Issue of Subbrilliant News, I submitted a piece claiming Jerry Brown had sex with Barabara Streisand in the Governor's Mansion. Maxlap |
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"People aren't safe anymore," said the administrator of Son of Mac's first victim, Qwik E Car Wash, of Detroit. "Five years ago, you could go to sleep with your Ethernet unlocked, but not anymore. You never know what wacko is going to come in and erase your files while you're asleep. Now we have to lock ourselves behind fire-walls, and gatekeepers. I tell you, the Internet is going to hell on a floppy disk!"
While Federal Officials have been reluctant to release details of the nine homicides, they have revealed that they have enlisted the aid of Serial Virus Profiler, Hunter Williamson.
"There is definitely a pattern," said Williamson. "The virus seems to be targeting databases involved with cleaning activities. Apparently this virus sees the world as inherently ‘dirty', and all attempts to cleanse it are false, hypocritical. He's hoping to show us the error of our ways, by depriving us of our cleanliness."
While there is no certainty that any database not involved in the cleaning industry will be safe from the Son of Mac Virus, the FBI believes that most administrators have "nothing to fear" from this virus, and cautions against panic, although an Internet curfew is being considered.
"The next victim will probably be a soap factory, or a shampoo plant," said Williamson. "And so far, all of this Virus' victims have been IBM clones. I believe we'll find that the virus originated from a Macintosh computer, as it's pseudonym would suggest. Right now we're attempting to access all of the victims' download records to try and find one Macintosh that all of the victims had contact with."
The investigation has been hampered by the thoroughness of the virus. Sources indicate that the virus practically eradicated it's victims' file structures, leaving very little behind. "It's as though it was ashamed of what it had done, and tried to cover it up." So far, the FBI has not identified any suspects in this case, and sources believe they are not any closer to finding the virus.
Keep visiting SBN for further information!
X-Congresspeople claim that they were forced to take drastic
measures on this issue since sunlight simply "isn't cool." "All of the
really cool things happen at night," said Chairman of the Committee for
the Perpetuation of the Gothic Mythos, Anderson Jaworsky, (who prefers
to be addressed by his Vampire name, Cleisthenes).
"The coolest clubs aren't open during the day, the best
TV doesn't come on ‘til way after dark, and somehow coffee doesn't taste
right by sunlight. Not that I would know, since, you know, I'm a Vampire."
Cleisthenes, who insisted on being interviewed at night, holds the position
that sunlight is a tired remnant of our pre-industrial days which we are
quickly outgrowing.
Many of his fellow Congresspeople agree. "Maybe twenty
years ago we couldn't have even thought about getting rid of the sun,"
said the President pro tem of the Gen X Congress, who prefers to have no
name. "But ever since the explosion of the computer age, back when I was
four years old, we've had less and less use for that bloated ball of gas.
And with Boredom quickly replacing Baseball as the national pastime, we
at the Gen X Con, just don't see the need for this annoying brightness
any longer."
Yet there are some who still believe that the sun has
its uses, and claim that the sun is the source of all life, after all,
and should be treated with some respect. "Those twenty-something brats
don't seem to realize that life on this planet would not be possible without
our beloved ‘ball of gas,'" stated environmentalist Gran O'Laman. "Trees
wouldn't grow, animals would have nothing to eat, and my herb garden would
die. Except for the fungi I have under UV lights."
"I can't remember the last time I ate something grown
under the sun," replied Cleisthenes. "Of course now I get all of my sustenance
from human blood, but the rest of my fellow Congresspeople eat all-artificial
foods. Coffee beans can thrive with artificial lighting, and I can't think
of a single natural food that goes into Twinkies. Let's face it, technology
has made sunlight obsolete, and I think we need to face that fact, not
cling to the ‘old ways.'"
The Gen X Con is scheduled to vote on this issue later
this week, but as yet no plan has been announced for the actual extinguishing
of the sun. The Gen X Con has formed a committee to look it up on the Internet.
Peter St. Peter, spokesman for God, explained that with
the general religous apathy and fundamentalist claptrap, God had been getting
restless and decided to beef up Heaven's entertainment industry.
"First he went for the gold, Mr. Entertainment, Sammy
Davis Jr. but that didn't seem to the trick so he tried pairing him with
Kurt Cobain. Big Mistake. He hadn't made such a doozy since he tried the
basselope."
When Dean Martin passed on into the better world, God
paired him up with Sammy in a Vegas style show that went over big. Unfortunately,
this only encouraged God to want the old rat pack back together so he struck
down Frank Sinatra with pestilence, justifying it with a huge backlog of
Sinatra's sins.
"The only problem," said St. Peter, "Is a little known
contract between Mr. Sinatra and Lucifer, dating from the late 40's. Think
about it. He bounced back from vocal troubles to have a successful movie
career, then he made all those great Capitol releases, then started Reprise,
the ol' Blue eyes is Back. Everything he touched turned to gold. You don't
get that when you're playing on God's side."
Negotiators for Heaven have made several offers for retention
of Sinatra's soul, offering to give up the technical rights to several
televangelists, politicians and a major World Leader to be named later.
"You just can't match Sinatra," said Hades Representative
Harold Smith. "Nobody's so successful and deplorable wrapped up into one
on Earth right now. He's our baby. The only thing we might negotiate on
is a deal involving the entire U.S. Congress and Alanis Morisette or something
along those lines."
Meanwhile the ailing Sinatra continues to babble on about
the bad press he thinks he continually receives despite his contract with
Satan. "Some people just aren't ever satisfied," said Smith.
Sometime before Feb. 17, 1997 scientists confirmed that
the lesser known state of South Dakota in the U.S., disappeared.
"I've never seen anything like it before," said Dr. Marvin
Bedletter of the University of Minnesota. "The whole state's just gone.
And along political boundaries too, not geographical ones. Weird. Well,
I don't have enough funding to investigate, maybe it'll just pop back."
Several UFO and Religous cults have gathered on the border
of what was once South Dakota. The groups variously engage in prayers,
chants and interpretive dance. One group, the Holy Prophet of the Dissapearing
States feels vindicated.
"We've been predicting things exactly like this since
1870," said current HPDS leader Agnes Montesquieu. "Sure this is the first
one we got right, and we actually predicted Montana would go but there
are very good REASONS why we were off before... wait... let me explain...."
The IRS currently is investigating the diappearance. "We
think its still there," said Co-investigator Fred Kolczewski. "Yeah, this
is an obvious and old tax dodge. You can't fool the IRS. We've seen it
all," said coinvestigator Dana McSwarthy.
Oddly enough, this is not the first case of a disappearing
state. The first was the state of Franklin which existed approximately
where Tennesee is and was run by Farmers and Trappers. One day a lot of
rich landowners came in and dissolved the state in favour of their own
version. A second incident involved the disappearance of Oklahoma during
the dust bowl, which has largely been attributed to dust.
Keep connected to SBN for the latest information about
South Dakota and the whole visible world.
O.J. Did It! Say Boulder Police
Officials say that the key piece of evidence was initially
overlooked, by investigators, because they, quite simply, couldn't believe
it could be that simple. "We found the bloody glove when we first arrived
at the scene," said Chief Tom Koby. "But we just refused to accept it.
I mean, O.J. didn't even know Jean Benet. Or so we thought."
After a long, and arduous search for a suspect, Boulder
Police Detectives, eventually came up short. Then, in a moment of inspiration,
detectives decided to scan through footage of Jean Benet's beauty pageants
one more time. "That's when we found it," Chief Koby said. "There was a
guy whoo looks just like O.J. Just staring at her. It didn't take a trained
detective like me to see the malice in his eyes. He wanted her in the worst
way, and I guess he figured, if he couldn't have her, then no one would."
In light of this new discovery, DA Hunter ordered that
the bloody glove be tested and matched against the test initially performed
during the criminal trial, The People v. Orenthal J. Simpson. The two blood
samples matched. "That doesn't comprise the whole of our case against Mr.
Simpson," stated Hunter, when asked about the failure of the bloody glove
argument the first time around. "Looking back at Jean Benet's diaries,
and other sources, we continually find references to an enigmatic, benevolent
figure she called ‘O.J.' It's on the strength of this first-hand testimony
that we hope to nail him."
In light of recent developments in the civil case against
O.J. Simpson, the parents of Jean Benet were asked if they would ask for
a similar settlement in their case, trading monetary claims against Mr.
Simpson in exchange for a signed confession.
"Hell no, we want the money," said John Ramsey. "That's
why we trained the little shit to dress up and prance around in the first
place." Mr. Simpson has so far been unavailable for comment.
Governor's Prison Obsession Sexual?
During the speech, Wilson clutched his body and spoke
in a low, hoarse voice, growing more throaty every time he turned around
to look at the jail, considered the most state of the art facility of its
kind in the country. The audience, comprised mostly of Los Angeles County
sheriff's deputies and other law enforcement officials, was stunned and
confused. One deputy who asked to remain anonymous said, "I could swear
he was gettin' his rocks off right then and there."
The Governor's latest sexual escapades confirm what several
psychologists and human sexuality experts have long suspected: that the
surging rate of prison construction in the last six years in California
can be traced directly to the sexual gratification Wilson receives from
building penal institutions. To put it more simply, prisons turn Wilson
on.
"It's a highly strange phenomenon in a field full of strange
phenomena," said Dr. Siegfried Geschlechtsverkehr of the Institute for
Erotic Stimuli at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland.
"We've seen animals turn men on, to be sure, typically in the average young
college fraternity member. Farm animals, mostly. We've seen politicians
who find power to be an aphrodisiac. But Governor Wilson would be the first
person I have seen to actually derive sexual pleasure from prisons."
California's prison population now exceeds 120,000, larger
than the Federal prison population and of most Western countries. California
now incarcerates its population at a rate higher than any other Western
country besides the United States. "We always thought it was Wilson taking
a hard line on crime," said another police officer who saw the Twin Towers
speech. "I guess he was really getting hard on something else."
During the Twin Towers speech, Wilson moaned into the
microphone, in an unusually low voice, "It's soooooo beautiful, we can't
just let it sit there." He continued, "We need moooore, mooooore prisons."
After splashing some water on his face, he leaned down again to the microphone
and, loosening his tie, running his hands through his hair, and screamed,
"I don't want to spend the money on any more fucking schools! I don't give
a fuck if the freeways are crumbling! I want mooooore prisons! Give me
mooooore prisons!" Wilson then abandoned the podium and ran into an adjacent
mobile camper, where he was indisposed for about twenty minutes.
But the Twin Towers appearance was subdued compared to
Wilson's "speech" last week at the "super-maximum" Pelican Bay prison in
Northern California, currently the subject of a civil rights lawsuit. There,
Wilson just breathed heavily into the microphone for fifteen minutes before
staff could push him aside. "He sounded like a crank phone call I got the
other day," said one of the prison's secretaries.
Wilson spokesperson Sean Walsh denied there was anything
sexual about Wilson's prison- building program. "No, it's not sexual at
all. Not at all. He just likes locking people up. Minorities, mostly. So
there's nothing sexual about it. Really, nothing. Honestly."
The next day, however, Walsh announced that Wilson would
be canceling a planned visit to Alcatraz next month, saying that the governor
"has had enough excitement already this year."
"The best part is, we sacrifice all year long and do not
believeth in lent," said partygoer Abraham Miller.
Horse Drawn floats depicting biblical scenes of fire and
brimstone paraded down the main dirt road and bearded float riders threw
wooden nickels, strings of corn and tin cups. Revelers stood quietly along
the route saying politely, "Prithee throweth some corn my way!"
Some officials thought the festival got out of hand when
James Moore shouted out "Show us your ankle Mistress Ahern!" Mistress Ahern
obliged by raising her skirt an inch off the ground and was heavily rewarded
with some of the best strung corn.
"There will be no more of that Master Moore," chided Mayor
Isaiah Crandall. "Master Moore was removed from the float and Mistress
Ahern taken straight away home but no other scandals marred the parade.
"The celebrants have largely enjoyed themselves. Those
tempted by the devil have been removed and washed clean and we have no
more fear but that the Lord should look kindly on our day," stated the
Mayor in a post-parade press conference.
Another Mardi Gras is being planned for next year and
some prayer groups have bounced around the idea of All Hallow's Eve celebration
in October.
"The damned school looked just like a Cuban missile base
on my radar," claims Air National Guard Lt. Dan Strait. "Instinct just
kicked right in. You know, when you're faced with life and death, and the
damned Communists are staring you straight in the face, you gotta act.
Hell, I just did what any good pilot would do."
Lt. Strait came in low, below the facility's radar and
emptied his entire munitions load onto the unsuspecting school, despite
multiple warnings from flight controllers that he had acquired a "friendly"
target. The following is a transcript of part of the exchange between Lt.
Strait and ground control, taken directly from the in-flight recorder aboard
the F-16:
The Lieutenant and his wingman then proceeded to meticulously
destroy the elementary school, concentrating heavy fire on the faculty
lounge and the gymnasium. "Well, we certainly didn't train those men to
destroy elementary schools, I can tell you that," stated Air National Guard
Gen. Lefty Petersen. "Oh sure, some of our bombing ranges do look a little
like school buildings, some of ‘em even were school buildings at one time,
but we try to mark ‘em up a bit, you know, with a Cuban flag, or a picture
of John Lennon. Makes ‘em look more realistic."
Many questioned the necessity to patrol the airspace above
an Elementary School in the first place. "Well their projected patrol area
was over the University," said Gen. Petersen. "But I guess they saw a target
of opportunity and took it."
The F.B.I. is also investigating this incident due to
the possible involvement of one or more students in a communist plot to
force "hot lunches" on children too impoverished to afford a sack lunch.
F.B.I. agents cite Lt. Strait's claim that a second grader standing on
the roof of the school, and waving a Cuban flag, "flipped him the Bird"
as he flew overhead. There are few leads, however, since all five hundred
children were vaporized in the attack.
What started just over a month ago with the seemingly
innocent nuclear destruction
of the Microsoft Campus in Redmond Washington, quickly escalated to
become the most destructive corporate war in decades, and an epic struggle
of good versus evil. SBN source Deep
Modem, (none other than Chairman Gates' former lover, Eve Brown), recalls
the final moments at the lair.
"There was panic in the air. No one, not even the Chairman,
had expected such heavy resistance from the Allied Applications. Quicken
was threatening to outflank Microsoft Money, but Bill was hopeful that
with a shorter, more recognizable name, Money would win out in a battle
of attrition. Then, amidst the confusion, General Tepid made his move."
General
Lance Tepid, formerly head of the Pentagon's investigation into the
Desktop Liberation League's (DLL.Org) role in the destruction of the Microsoft
Campus, was actually in the employ of IBM, and a DLL.Org double agent.
"Well it wasn't difficult to stall the investigation,
and maintain my cover. What with all of the Pentagon's computers running
on Microsoft software, we had enough on our hands just keeping the damned
things running," said Tepid. As one of the Chairman's most trusted advisors,
Gen. Tepid was able to uncover the Achilles Heel of Microsoft's strategic
database, and use it to his advantage.
"While everybody upstairs was busy fighting off the 101st
Quicken Brigade, I just walked right in and tried to load a DOS application
through the Win95 command console. The whole damned system locked up tighter
than a virgin's underpants." As analysts emerge from hiding, most predict
the next few months to bring a period of relatively peaceful anarchy as
IBM races to develop OS/2 versions
of the nation's leaders. State and Local Officials who had not been
upgraded by Gates should continue to function normally.
All, however, including this reporter, are completely
baffled by the unexplained disappearance of Chairman Gates. His body was
not recovered at WULF lair, and sources claim that no one entered or left
the bunker before IBM programmers arrived to relieve the Chairman of command.
Some speculate that in the final moments, Gates digitized himself, escaping
into cyberspace, though no evidence remains behind to support this theory.
The only clue to Gates' possible whereabouts was a hidden
file found on his desktop containing the complete text of his book, Mein
Road Ahead. Investigators have had no desire to mire through his drivel,
so the mystery may remain unsolved.
As the dust settles around the tattered remains of the
Microsoft Empire, few can suppress a sense of wonder at Bill Gates' meteoric
rise to global domination. From Redmond Washington, to Washington DC, this
has been a journey to power that none will soon forget.
The IGW contract expires at Midnight Thursday and many
fear the nation may face a long milk and beef shortage if a settlement
isn't reached. The IGW demands shorter hours, less intellectual demands
and a reduction of fistulation, the process whereby cows have a hole poked
in them to observe digestion.
"It's demeaning," said Martha, Chief Negotiator for the
IGW. "Our small brains are pushed to the limit, we're subjected to tipping
attempts by drunks and frat boys and fistulation... well how would you
like having a sewed up hole in your stomachs... I mean stomach."
Dairy and Beef Farmer representative Clete Durbin sees
it a different way. "You know, if we were allowed to fistulate humans,
maybe we could get rid of all kinds of gastrointestinal diseases. The cows
benefit from this and actually most of them understand that. It's only
a few backward thinkers in the IGW that want to turn back the clock that
are causing all this trouble.
Farmers also claim that many cows are just lazy and want
an easy way out. "They're not as dumb as you think. That's a myth. The
fact that most major agriculture schools are also good technical schools
is no coincidence. Most of them are supporting the IGW out of laziness.
They just don't like the new morning Calculus, we've added to the milking
routines," said Durbin.
Martha calls this ridiculous. "Our brains barely register
compared to theirs. They're mocking us and we have to stand up for our
rights!"
"Burn 'em! Burn 'em! Burn 'em!" chanted radical organizer
cow O'Leary of Chicago.
The White House has decided to step in and negotiate,
hoping that between the Departments of Labor and Agriculture, some sort
of agreement can be reached.
Coming on the heels of alleged improper contributions
by Indonesian bankers, the Norwegians are alleged to have funneled more
than $500 million through a series of White House "fish fries", in which
various Norwegian fishermen fried up some of their catch with President
Clinton and several key aides on the White House lawn. At least one fisherman,
Jorg Svendengudsmottir, spent the night in the Lincoln Bedroom. According
to recently released financial disclosure statements, Mr. Svendengudsmottir,
known in Oslo as "De Gotte het die Cødde" (The God of Cod), donated
more than $24 million and made several in-kind donations of cod to satisfy
the President's insatiable appetite for fried fish. "We even have allegations
that he provided the batter," said grade-B actor and U.S.
Senator Fred Thompson (R-Tennessee), whose committee will be overseeing
an investigation of alleged improper DNC fundraising.
At a press conference today, President Clinton fended
off allegations that the fish fries led to fundraising and undue influence
over policy decisions by the Norwegians.
When asked whether he remembered Mr. Svendengudsmottir,
Mr. Clinton replied, "Remember him? I can't even say his name." Mr. Clinton
defended his role at the fish fries, saying that nothing improper occurred.
"It is completely normal for a family like mine to get together in their
backyard on a weekend with some friendly Norwegian fishermen who happen
to drop by and who happen to be billionaires and fry up some fish. And
if they want to donate a little money, well then who am I to say no?"
Mr. Clinton also explained away the $27 million "coffees"
in which the presidents of some of the country's largest banks met with
the President and federal banking regulators. "Well first of all this was
very good, high quality coffee," said the President. "Not the cheap stuff.
I think it was Starbucks--no,
no, wait, it was Seattle's Best. So already we're talking about a pricey
event."
Reached outside his Trondheim houseboat, Mr. Svendengutsmottir
denied that his contributions were motivated by a desire to influence policy
during President Clinton's second term. "No, no no," he said before ducking
into his luxurious houseboat, "V-Chip--that was why. And school uniforms,
that was good too." Another foreign contributor, Indonesian banker James
Riyadi, gave a similar terse answer, saying via telephone interview that
he was motivated primarily by the President's spirited defense of the school
lunch program.
The incoming DNC chairperson, Colorado
Governor Roy Romer, was reached at his home by telephone. "Well, I've
seen the allegations," he said, "and I'd comment on them, except that I
can't get very specific with you. First of all, these charges are still
pending, and second, I've been drinking since 9 a.m. this morning."
In an interview from his eternal damnation in hell, former
President Richard Nixon commented, "Never thought I'd see the day those
pansy-assed Democrats are just as good at raking in dirty money as the
Republicans. By the way, did you know that Kissinger
was a Jew?"
"Initially we thought that the problem would resolve itself,"
said IPA specialist, Rico Heywood. "With the current rate of switchovers
from AOL at close to fifty percent, we thought that things would finally
level out, but it didn't happen. They're still going down."
The IPA has been tracking AOL closely since early January
when it was first noticed that the Online service had created a rift in
the Internet, and was falling through it. Analysts are speculating wildly
as to what exactly will happen to AOL. Some, particularly those at the
IPA, feel certain that AOL will fall through the Net into the unexplored
reaches of Cyberspace. Others are taking a more conservative look at this
"dilemma."
"The Internet is rock solid," said a spokesperson for
AT&T, whose Worldnet service has recently benefitted greatly from a
tenuous partnership with AOL. "Who ever heard of someone falling through
the Internet? That's crazy. It can't be done. America Online is just as
safe as it ever was. The fact that there are more people on AOL than in
all the major U.S. cities combined makes it even safer. Everybody looks
out for each other. Its like one big community. Like New York. Safest place
in the world. But just in case, you can switch over to Worldnet and get
your first month free."
"They just refuse to look at the facts," countered Heywood
upon hearing Worldnet's remarks. "They're sinking like the Titanic." Aside
from the intellectual debate, AOL's plight hasn't garnered much sympathy
from the Online community. "Nobody likes the big guys, " said Heywood.
"Its like that thing with Microsoft all over again. We could care less
about AOL, but we're worried about the subscribers. How would you like
to log on to check your E-mail and find out that you're out in the middle
of uncharted Cyberspace? We at the IPA see the human side. There are lives
at stake."
The IPA's plan calls for the addition of a graphical "button"
to the AOL dashboard that, once clicked, will completely erase a subscriber's
AOL account, and digitize the subscribers themselves, transporting them
to the IPA database, code named "Jonestown."
"We're calling it the 'Koolaid Button.' We figure people
can take their chances on the other side of Cyberspace, or come with us
and live in a morally superior digital afterlife. Salvation is only one
click away. Or you can Keyword: Jonestown for a description of our Brotherhood,
and an outline of our plan for the perfect digital community."
AOL is considering the IPA's plan for inclusion in version
3.5 of its operating software, although their manufacturing facilities
are currently overloaded with production of CD-Roms and diskettes slated
for random mailing to corner what AOL president Steve Case calls a "Virgin
Market" once the service falls through to the other side.
"This is the best thing that could have happened to us,"
said Case. "Direct mailing is what got us where we are, and we're ready
to do it all over again."
n a case of life imitating art (or Hollywood cinema anyway),
Chelsea Clinton and her new boyfriend (rumored to be a pre-med student
at Georgetown) conspired to play a little joke on Daddy by spiking his
evening Presidential Pabst
Blue Ribbon with a potent little truth serum. As a result, everything
the President said the day following his inauguration, was the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
When asked by a reporter whether Republicans could take
his offer of bi-partisanship seriously, Clinton responded "Of Course. Why,
whether you're a Democrat, Republican, white, African-American, Catholic
or Jew I can feel your pain; if you're a woman and you're sexy, I'd like
to feel your..." Presidential aides rushed Clinton from the conference
room, but not before he blurted out "Butt! Willie wants to be sucked!"
Asked whether, given the lack of cooperation by Saudi
officials, the safety of US soldiers at the Dharan base could be guaranteed,
President Clinton replied "Who cares, it ain't my ass."
In reference to the Paula Jones legal action, President
Clinton insisted he had remained entirely consistent on the matter. "All
I want her to do... all I've ever wanted her to do, is drop her suit."
SBN will keep you up to date as the President's Date with
Truth unfolds.
And while I am on the subject of truth, and corporate
truth, and the complete and total sellout of the free press to corporate
interests, I want to talk about one corporation in particular, one right
her in this town where I sit and write this, right now, here, called the
Times-Mirror Corporation. You might know that the Times-Mirror
Corporation owns as part of its vast evil empire the Los Angeles Times.
Thus the Times-Mirror Corporation is the only outlet for information in
this town, and boy do they squeal like a stuck pig for their corporate
masters.
Case in point: In a recent column, Los Angeles Times columnist
George Skelton
paid what he called a "tribute" to my late father, former California Governor
Edmund G. "Pat" Brown. Now I want you to read what Skelton wrote very carefully--although
subtle, his words belie finally what is wrong with the American press.
Skelton wrote, and I'm quoting exactly here, "It is sad for California
and the nation as a whole that the political heir of Pat Brown--a man whose
legacy includes the University of California, the freeways and the aqueducts--is
Jerry Brown, who, let's face it, is operating a few sandwiches short of
a picnic."
A few sandwiches short of a picnic. Again this is an exact
quote, not paraphrasing. Now here is what I want to know: Who paid him
to say that? Who ordered him to keep me quiet? Could it be because I'm
not afraid to tell the truth on Pacifica Radio to a potentially, if not
actually, huge audience? Could it be because I write for Subbrilliant News,
a publication that, finally, uses the Internet to finally wake the world
up to the truth? From whom does George Skelton take his marching orders?
I'm not going to make any rash judgments, but it seems as clear as day
(provided you're not in Los Angeles) that the Times-Mirror Corporation
is playing proxy for the oil and gas companies and IBM and Bill Gates in
their vain attempts to silence me. Well, they can silence me, maybe, but
they can never silence the truth!
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey Jerry,
come on, you probably just drank an entire pot of coffee and sat down and
started writing." And, OK, you have got me there. But don't let that diminish
the profound implications of my message. So when those jack-booted stormtroopers
of the Corporate America S.S. come battering down on our doors, just remember
that unlike mere mortals like you and me, the truth can never be suppressed.
By the way, in 1979 I had sex with Barbara
Streisand in the California Governor's Mansion. I just thought I should
point that out.
U. of Illinois Cancels Pork Day!
A football holiday, Pork Day had become a tradition at
this usually sleepy land grant university. Football fans can find ribs,
pork chops, ham, and sausage in large tents during the pre-game "tailgaiting"
festivities.
University administrators say the matter is not negotiable,
while student leaders vow "We will go back!"
University administrators expected some students would
dislike the decision, but were shocked at the massive, and occasionally
violent reaction by students. "This has been a conservative campus," said
University Spokesman Red Grabowski. "Our students usually don't protest,
except for a few skinny lowlifes over in Urbana.
I mean, we have a racist mascot, er, symbol, and we hear nary a peep about
that. The Vietnam war went by with our students more worried about barndances
and formals. We really didn't expect this kind of reaction."
When the news spread throughout the University's vast
expanse of fraternities and sororities, members began wandering through
the streets of "Campustown", shouting "They say barbeque, we say fuck you!"
Student leaders calmed the situation, and have organized
a resistance that might lead to a complete shutdown of the University until
talks begin. "We're in it for the long haul," said Chip O'Connor, a Junior
from Oak Park and the spokesman for the Front for the Return of the Other
White Meat, or FROWM. "We're disciplined, too: some guys from a frat have
offered to burn down their frat house and apartments for the insurance
money and we've already got 15 slave auctions planned to raise funds. A
couple guys from the fencing team have even offered to burn the Astroturf
at Memorial Stadium, but I told ‘em: ‘dudes, I know what you're saying,
man. But now's not the time. Now's not the time to escalate.'"
Yesterday's protest on the University's quad drew about
15,000 angry students. Gov. Edgar, hoping to avoid another "Kent State"
called out the national guard, and a tense 3-hour standoff ensued. Students
threw rocks and Coors
Lite bottles at the troopers, and chanted "Oskee Wow Wow, we wanna
eat sow!"
One young co-ed even approached a guardsman who was standing
at attention and put a pork chop in the barrel of his rifle. "I just wanted
him to know that someday we'll all be together, eating pork," said Susie
Wrxtgphnbski, a Sophomore from Oak Lawn.
Eventually FROWM leaders dispersed their troops as protestors
began urinating in public and "mashing" with each other.
The protests have gained attention from local politicians
and famous alumni.
"Pork day? Sounds great to me," commented Hugh Hefner,
class of '50.
Former NFL quarterback "Champaign" Tony
Eason, who led the Illini to their last Rose Bowl, told interviewers
from behind the counter of the McDonald's where he works that the decision
"will haunt me for the rest of my life."
Film critic and active alumnus Roger
Ebert said he'll get his fill either way, but "Pork Day was something
special. It's my fondest memory of college, by far."
As usual, a crowd of well-wishers gathered around Phil's
home and waited for him to arise and see, or not see, his shadow and divine
for us the length of the remaining winter. However, Phil, apparently was
tired of all this and arose toting a Japanese Switchblade
Knife and lunged at the nearest smiling spectator.
After moments of blood and confusion, a band of Ace Massachusets
fighting Eagles, swooped down and began spraying Phil's immediate area.
The groundhog, trained by the special forces in Vietnam, took to the woods
and began spraying back random cover fire. As the Eagle unit moved in for
another pass, a unit of Pro-Phil Squirrels operating anti-aviary guns,
sent half of the squadron of our nation's bird into a bloody heap amongst
the now quite alarmed Groundhog Day revelers.
8 hours later Phil remains at large and a net of National
Guard troops is coming the area. Most of the Wood
Rodents Liberation Front has been rounded up but none could or would
give any information about Phil's whereabouts.
"We're hoping for God's sakes he doesn't cross state lines,"
said Colonel Armand Narraine of the PennsylvaniaNational Guard. "If the
Fed's get in on this there's no way we'll be able to protect him and he
IS still a national symbol. Maybe more so now!"
21 on-lookers were wounded in Phil's first attack and
several more received minor injuries during the Eagle incident. The Governor
has declared his willingness to bargain with Phil for a calmer Groundhog
Day and later sleep time.
"That Dime-a-Minute rate just looked too good to be true,"
said AT&T representative Paul
Reiser. "We knew we had to jump on that baby before they changed their
minds." Reiser ended the telephone interview by counting off the number
of dimes he had spent. "One minute, two minute,see? We'll make a fortune
off this deal!"
Sprint
executives did not seem surprised by the big switch. "We've been laying
fiberoptic wire since the late eighties," said Sprint's George Dalton.
"We've been technologically ahead of AT&T for years. We knew they'd
come around eventually." Market insiders speculate that AT&T has been
losing money for some time, and has been looking for a graceful way to
admit defeat for years.
"This Dime-a-Minute thing is just a ruse," said Dalton.
"Sprint offered this up as the back door for AT&T, and AT&T was
just smart enough to know when to bow out."
"That's not true," says Reiser. "This company is stronger
than its ever been. And with these great savings that Sprint has promised,
we're looking at a major comeback... er... being even stronger in the years
to come." There is no word yet on what this shakeup may mean to the consumer.
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Generation X Outlaws Sunlight
Feb. 19, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Seattle, WA) Members of the Third Generation X Congress
met this week to discuss the ongoing problem of "Daytime Brightness." The
Committee for the Perpetuation of the Gothic Mythos, initiated the movement,
which was quickly accepted by the assembled membership.
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God
Wants Rat Pack-Devil Owns Sinatra
Feb. 19, 1997 Submitted by AceDtect
(Beverly Hills, California) The forces of good and evil are
gathering around the bedside of ailing entertainer Frank Sinatra in a mini-armageddon
over the rights to the crooner's soul.
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South Dakota Missing
Feb. 19, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect
(Ortonville, Minnesota) It took a few days to notice but
the astonishing news that Karl Tremont delivered to his wife Edna was absolutely
true. "Sorry honey, but Milbank ain't there anymore."
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Feb. 19, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Boulder, CO) After weeks of investigation, Boulder Police
have discovered what many in America had already suspected. In a brief
interview with reporters, today, Boulder District Attorney, Alex Hunter,
announced that a man fitting the description of O.J. Simpson is being sought
as a suspect in the murder of young beauty queen, Jean Benet Ramsey.
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Feb. 13, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap
(Los Angeles) Speaking before the new and still-empty Twin
Towers Jail, California Governor Pete Wilson promised state support to
finally open the troubled jail in a speech that most observers felt was
sexually explicit.
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Ahmish Mardi Gras Big Hit!
Feb. 13, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect
(Ahmishtown, Pennsylvania) The first ever Ahmish Gras! went
over well yesterday as this small Ahmish community went slightly wild in
preparation for the upcoming season of lent.
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Guard Claims School Attack 'Accident'
Feb. 13, 1997 Submitted by Rusputin
(Trenton, New Jersey) Investigations continue into the destruction
of the Johnny Weismuller Elementary School, in Trenton, by a pair of US
Air National Guard F-16s. The fighter jets leveled the school early Wednesday
morning just after the daily recital of the pledge of allegiance.
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Microsoft Falls
Feb. 13, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Washington, DC) Allied Applications marched triumphantly
through Washington DC yesterday, after the fall of Berlin 4.R and the destruction
of Chairman Gates' WULF (World Under Le Gates Forever) Lair. Thousands
cheered the impromptu morning parade as the sun rose on a world no longer
dominated by the tyranny of Chairman Bill Gates, and his evil empire of
greed.
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Wildcow Strike Imminent
Feb. 13, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect
(Champaign, Illinois) Led by a group of leftist cows at the
University of Illinois' South
Farms, Cows across the nation are preparing to go on strike unless
a federal mediator can settle a dispute between farmers and the IGW (International
Grazers of the World).
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Clinton's Northern Exposure
Feb. 5, 1997, Submitted by MaxLap
(Arlington, Virginia)The Democratic
National Committee became embroiled in more hot water today, as new
allegations surfaced that President Clinton's 1996 reelection campaign
was bankrolled by a conglomorate of Norwegian
cod fishermen.
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End In Sight For AOL
Feb. 4, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin
(Vienna, Virginia) After many long hours of speculation and
testing, and over a dozen cases of Rolling
Rock, Internet
Protection Agency officials announced a plan which they hope will keep
online giant, AOL from falling through the Internet.
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Clinton/Carey Parralell Scary!
Feb. 4, 1997 Submitted by ConorLin
(Washington, DC) The new movie 'Liar
Liar' in which Jim Carrey plays a congenitally dishonest lawyer cursed
by a 24 hour truth-telling potion, hit uncomfortably close to home for
the White House last week. I
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Jerry Brown's Turn
Feb. 4, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap
(Jerry
Brown's Mind, California)As this is my first column, I want to thank
Subbrilliant News for having the courage and foresight to print the truth.
That is tough in America in 1997. This is the real truth, not the truth
that the corporate-dominated media spews out like so much toxic waste.
This is the truth that scares them and keeps them awake at night in their
Armani pajamas and their multi-million dollar homes paid for with the blood
of the workers. And it is not the truth that President Clinton peddles
at his million-dollar coffee klatches to his corporate friends. As you
might know, I host a show on Pacifica Radio, a show which dares to take
on the big corporate interests and tell the truth. That's real truth, people,
not the corporate truth that Rush
Limbaugh tries to force feed you on the radio.
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Feb. 4, 1997, Submitted by Gutwood
(Urbana, IL) A day after University
of Illinois administrators changed the name of Pork Day to "The
Great Illini Barbeque," student leaders held a massive rally and have
called for a complete boycott of classes until Pork Day is restored.
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The Longest Groundhog Day
Feb. 2, 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect
(Punxsutawney)
Punxy Phil saw more than his shadow this morning and we're in for a long
winter of discontent if today's events are any prophecy.
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AT&T Switches to Sprint
Feb. 2, 1997 Submitted by Rusputin
(New York) AT&T
shocked the nation today by announcing that the mega-corporation had switched
all of it services to Sprint. Spokespeople for AT&T say it was an impulse
decision.
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