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SBN Reporter BrainwashedApr. 23, 1997, Submitted by Acedtect(VAIL, Colorado)SBN News Editor Rusputin disappeared last week, leaving this message on last weeks SBN Forum.Rusputin (rusputin@msn.com) writes: I feel funny. You sure I got the right pills? Ace, I feel certain that Pilot X is from Washington State. Redmond, I think. I'm going to go looking around up there. Get me a first-class ticket to Seattle! Oh no wait, a friend of mine is sending a jet. That BIll is such a nice guy. Could somebody take care of my cat for a while? At the time the SBN staff felt this to be another excuse for one of Rusputin's benders. However the messages kept getting stranger and stranger until finally, a postcard arrived yesterday with this unsettling message. Subject: Grretings from Redmond Date: Tue, 22 Apr 97 15:22:45 -0800 From: Rusputin <rusputin@msn.com> To: SBN Staff <acedtect@concentric.net> Ace, I've made it safely to Redmond. Am having a great time, wish you were here. Bill is being awful pleasant. He has given me my own private room at the Campus, complete with a brand-new computer, and all the Turbo Dog I can drink. He also seems to have finally gotten my medication straight, 'cause I feel just dandy. You know, that Bill is such a nice guy. He even offered me a job at Microsoft! Can you believe it? There's only a couple of things I have to do. Bill wants me to resign my comission at SuBBrilliant, and also to destroy those silly derogatory stories I wrote about Microsoft. Hell, that's not too much to ask. So I guess this is goodbye old friend. Please erase ALL of my stories. To hell with it! I can't remember which is which anyway. Bill assures me that the copies on my computer have already been erased. Don't know how he did that, but I don't care. I don't think I'm ever coming back. See ya. -Rusputin P.S. I still feel kinda funny, though. Any information about the whereabouts regarding our poor deluded News Editor would be greatly appreciated. His request to eliminate all Microsoft related stories has, of course, been written off as temporary insanity and we now make available the complete story of the Microsoft January Atrocities. This week's forum will be devoted to discussing and hopefully discovering the wherabouts of Rusputin. |
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HealthScreaming Eagles Eat Babies For Profit In FranceApr. 23, 1997, Submitted by AcedtectClick Here to view in full screen(PARIS) A group of American Bald Eagles has been discovered near the resort town of Aix-les-Bains in France which profits on the ingestion of babies. Careful now, these aren't real babies but, rather, Kewpie dolls littering the rural byways of the famous wine loving country.Local farmers are infuriated by the practice. "The planes, they come in low, like this see," said Rutabaga Farmer Jacques-Françoise Merder. "Then they drop the dolls all over the road the frateurs! I wish to call their fathers hamster lovers! Eeeugh!" According to several reports, the area is immediately infested with American Bald Eagles which spend 30 to 45 minutes devouring the plasticine carnival prizes. "We have no reason to believe this is occurring," said President Jacques Chirac. "And if we did, we wouldn't admit it because we just called an election you know." Washington has refused to comment on the strange occurrences but Germany has reported strange midnight flights of US aircraft. "You'd almost think they were carrying loads of kewpie dolls and American Bald Eagles the way they are acting," said Helmut Helmut, resident of Berlin. "I don't think this is important to the issue of British integration into the European Monetary Union and I think it is much to silly for me to comment upon even though I already have," said British Prime Minister John Major who is also up for re-election. Many residents of France who have not witnessed the disturbances have made remarks alluding to the fact that perhaps the wine consumption is higher in this section of rural France while others have blamed the waters or Jean-Paul Sartre. |
LawHubbard's Ghost Speaks to the Ayatollahsubmitted by Christian Fletcher click here to view full article(TEHRAN, Iran) Tehran's ruling body has announced the complete withdrawal of all ambassadors and personnel from 14 European nations, including Germany. This move follows the conviction, by a German court, of an Iranian in the slaying of an Iranian-Kurd. But Iran's motives lay much deaper than this apparent international debate.SBN sources have revealed that Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has been receiving messages from the spirit of the possibly late L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the Church of Scientology. Khamenei has been in contact with Hubbard's ghost since late in 1986, shortly after the prolific author's supposed death, and has been secretly engineering a takeover of the Church, as well as preparing the state of Iran to become the new homeland of the Scientologists. Withdrawal of European ambassadors from Tehran on April 10, following the court's ruling, has set back the Ayatollah's, and Hubbard's, plan at least another ten years. This [situation], in the words of L. Ron Hubbard (via SBN's Chief Spiritual Medium) "is entirely unacceptable." The Ayatollah is personally overseeing military exercises involving at least 200,000 soldiers, hoping to conquer Germany over the weekend, and get his plan back on track. "I say, more power to him," announced international superstar, and official spokesperson for Germany's displaced Scientologists, David Hasselhoff. "We've all been driving around for months looking for the promised land, and my David Hasselhoff Air Freshener© is about run out. I may be the most successful actor/producer/singer/songwriter in the history of the world, but Moses I ain't. If Iran wants us, Iran's gonna get us." |
Cuba Taken Over By CommunistsApr. 23, 1997 Submitted by Acedtect(Click Here to view in full screen)(HAVANA) The last bastion of communist dictatorship suffered a severe blow yesterday when 700,000 hippies overran the government buildings of Havana and proclaimed a 'true' communist government. All land was taken from the state and given to the people and the government was dissolved.This does not mean the end of Castro though. The new movement hopes to keep him around as a spiritual adviser. "Like, Fido was good for his time, you know," said super citizen and organizer first class, Clarissa Ecstasy. "But he doesn't even know how to act at a rave so, you know we just need him to make speeches and stuff and kind of give a general boost every now and then. I mean the old school is beautiful but its old, you know." The movement will not give any information about its origins or intentions. All questions are met with references to a supposed press agent which is immediately followed by giggles. The press agent, I. M. Notreal has so far been unavailable for comment. Meanwhile the countryside has been given over to massive raves, smoke-outs and several Grateful Dead tribute bands. The peasants don't know what to make of it. Speaking through an interpreter, farmer Jose Batista said, "I know not what these tourists are after. Why does everyone have to make life so hard for us. First Russia abandons us, then the Helms-Burton baloney and now these crazy white rich kids. I wish they'd go back to the suburbs." The only hint to the origin of the organization came when Ted Turner began broadcasting an appeal on all his cable networks asking that his "honey, come home." SBN will keep you informed of any further developments. |
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Issue for April 16, 1997Jet Crashes in SuBBrilliant CompoundApr. 13, 1997, Submitted by AcedtectClick On Headline to view in full screen(VAIL, Colorado) The tranquil routine of SuBBrilliant Training Compound #750, south of Vail, Colorado, was disrupted thisweekend by a loud roar and the sound of an A10 jet streaking into the mountains beyond. |
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attack," said compound commander Homer Walpole. "Then almost as immediately
as it had started it stopped. The team that went to investigate found a
very disoriented pilot. We're still trying to figure out who he is."
The pilot stated he had been flying in formation with his squadron when the controls had stopped responding and his plane veered off course. He then reports not having much memory of events except being aware of being on a "big ship" and the sense of being in an "operating theater." "I also keep remembering seeing John F. Kennedy and Elvis kissing. But that's ridiculous. Probably just some repressed homoerotic images," said the pilot. SuBBrilliant medics have been helping the pilot to recover his memory and get back on the road to recovery. Meanwhile his A10 jet has been safely stored in Ace Dtects personal collection of war trophies that will be exhibited when world peace is declared. SuBBrilliant authorities are discounting the possibility that this pilot is in any way connected with any recent disappearances over Utah or Colorado. |
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HealthHome Cooked Meals a Thing of the PastApr. 16, 1997, Submitted by RusputinClick On Headline to view in full screen(Washington) The US Department of Health and Human Services announced that, due to a rising problem that "can no longer be ignored" the agency will begin thoroughly inspecting every kitchen in every home. This effort flies in the face of "Home Cooking" advocates who claim that a little dysentery now and then is "just part of the charm" of eating at home.The following is taken directly from the speech given by DHHS Inspector General, Hon. June Gibbs Brown, at this morning's press conference. An inspection will cost around twenty-five dollars, and the owner of a "safe kitchen" will recieve a DHHS licence and an inspection decal, similar to a vehicle inspection sticker, to be displayed prominently on the kitchen window. According to the DHHS plan, kitchens will be graded for cleanliness, proper food storage, food handling, and overall aesthetic feel. An Avocado Green refrigerator, for example, could cost you your licence. "The next time you see somebody peeking in the kitchen window," says Brown. "Don't call the police. Call the maid. It could be Uncle Sam." |
LawPea Sues For DamagesApr. 16, 1997, Submitted by Bavhraghita Semionopololes click on headline to view in full screen(FAIRYLAND) In a decision that shocked the kingdom to its foundations, a solitary green pea has filed a lawsuit against the princess who slept on top of it, claiming that the 200 feather mattresses between them did nothing to ease the pain."It is time humanity respected the feelings of garden vegetables," the pea's lawyers said in a statement issued yesterday. "Our client was maliciously slept upon. The princess could have got up and seen what it was beneath the feather mattresses, but she made a conscious decision to twist and turn, thus damaging our client further still." The pea, which was on crutches for four months following its ordeal, is considering plastic surgery. "I mean, look at me," it complained, "I'm bursting out of my skin here." It complained about its lack of credibility in the vegetable community ("they all say I'm a mutant broad bean") and is suing for the mental and physical damage inflicted. "I can't pick up the girls anymore," he said, close to tears. The princess has put the blame on the queen who placed the pea under the mattress, supposedly to satisfy herself that the princess was a true princess. This has been strongly denied by the palace. "This is utter nonsense," a spokesman said. "Her Majesty is a new-age vegan and would not dream of harming a defenceless vegetable." The National Enquirer's claims that this is precisely what she is doing to the king were rejected out of hand. The case is likely to be a historical one in the fight for equal rights of vegetables, and sociologists believe that moral truths will be fought long and hard. Prof. van Eudelberg, of the Memphis Institute of Social Studies, is of the opinion that "vat ve are seeing here is the gradual breakdown off social barriers, vich vill probably lead to an increased avareness off ze trials - iff you vill excuse ze pun, hahahaha - and tribulations off life in the plant kingdom." As ever, you can expect SBN to bring you a totally unbiased, truthful report on this fascinating case. |
Cats Begin Traveling In PacksApr. 16, 1997 Submitted by Acedtect(Click On Headline to view in full screen)(TALKEETNA, Alaska) A strange phenomenon, very likely never seen in the world before has started ecologists and natural scientists revising theories."The first time we noticed them," said Roxie Elenoar, "was the night my husband Carl went out to shut the generator off. He came runnin' back in screaming Roxie! Roxie! Come quick. I thought it was a bear at first, but bears don't really scare Carl... what?.. Oh all right I'll get on with it... Anyway I went out there and there were maybe 50 large brown Tabbies moving slowly through the snow, some of them Meowling at the moon." Environmental scientists say the strange pack-like behaviour may be caused by environmental pollutants scaring the felines, especially in areas as inhospitable as Alaska, into mutual protection. Fanny a black Persian of Anchorage disagrees. "We've been pack animals for centuries. We just don't show it off like dogs. Humans are pack animals too but when they sequester themselves in houses and cars and never talk to their neighbours nobody thinks THAT'S strange. What's going on up in Talkeetna is akin to the commune movement of the 60's among cats. Some cats want the feeling of mutual support and the simpler times before the humans came." Some conspiracy theorists think the cats are planning a takeover of a planet they sometimes act as if they rule already. They site the fact that Fanny from Anchorage was found dead one day after talking to SBN reporters and no other cats are willing to talk. "It's just like that movie Birds," said Anchorage resident Robert Seekum, "Except different 'cause its cats." |
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Issue for April 10, 1997Employment Out Of HandApr. 10, 1997, Submitted by AcedtectClick On Headline to view in full screen(NEW YORK)Government employment statistics are causing concern across the nation. The level of employment has risen to around 95% which is raising alarm in circles of economic experts."This is very detrimental to the economy," said industry analyst Mark Schraeber. "Already we're seeing a slight decline in Television watching, a major warning signal. We could be looking at a situation where people start feeling secure in their jobs, perhaps demanding costly working conditions under the banner of 'safety'. I've even heard speculation of people getting paid what they're worth. Insane!" The PWRTBS (People Who Run The Banking System) replied that these fears are alarmist. Spokesperson Mary O'Farrell said, "Things will not get as bad as everyone thinks. First of all Employment is on the increase but not wages. As long as we have all the money everything will be all right and we can expect a continued strong economy... hold on my beeper,... excuse me I have to go lay off my secretary." While most are wary of the high employment figures some see it as a positive sign. "This means that people are becoming more confident in the economy," said maverick analyst Spike Jackson. "Having a job is amazing at keeping people from thinking about their debts, their slowly eroding freedoms and the general degradation of them and 90% of the population. Even part-time employment works for this because they keep busy and don't have time or fail to realize that they're still up shit creek. I'm bullish on employment. As long as its underemployment." Some groups of investors and CEO's have called for massive demonstrations to protest the high levels of employment. A demonstration is scheduled on Wall Street for 5PM April 11. |
EXTRA! : Microsoft buys the Internet!submitted by Rusputin April 11, 1997(Seattle, WA) In a startling move, Microsoft announced today that it had acquired all rights to the entire Internet. This most recent acquisition has raised red flags all across the board, and left many critics screaming about anti-trust suits. Though Microsoft claims it's merely "good business.""Well we looked at the numbers," said Microsoft spokesman, Vinnie Victrone, "And we discovered that there are companies out there making money off this Internet thing, a lot of money, and we want a piece of the action." It has been rumored that Microsoft will close down private internet service providers, and force all Internet traffic through their facilities at the Microsoft Network. Yet Microsoft disputes these rumors. "It's a big Internet, and we can't run it alone. So we'll leave the providers alone, provided they keep up their end of the deal. See there's a lot of signals out there. And anything can happen to them, see? Now if they give us our cut, then we'll make sure nothing happens. See, we're gonna have one of our boys in every home, on every desk, and if somebody steps over the line..." All of this leads one to ask, "How much is enough for Bill Gates?" Now that he owns the Internet, and more money than is currently printed, the question on everyone's mind seems to be; "Is Bill Gates satisfied?" Microsoft says no. "There was some talk about putting a bid on the Earth," says Victrone. "Bill has always kinda wanted to rule the world, but we've had a hell of a time locating the owner. It's listed under this 'God' fellow. Yeah, no last name. But he's almost impossible to track down. Nobody seems to have ever seen the guy. I don't think he even exists. But, we've just recieved an offer from another guy, claims HE owns the planet. Calls himself a Prince. S- something? I don't know. Real snappy dresser, though. He had Blue eyes and Blue jeans." |
Breaking NewsSurprise Upset in LA Mayors Racesubmitted by Maxlap April 11, 1997(Los Angeles) Pundits have been left speechless as thousands of write-in votes appear to be propelling actor Vic Tayback to victory in the race for Mayor of Los Angeles, despite the fact that few voters know Mr. Tayback's positions on the issues, whether he actually lives in Los Angeles, or whether he is still alive.Tayback, who starred as Mel in the long-running television sitcom "Alice", has been the write-in choice of thousands of voters in a mysterious campaign that is as yet unexplained. Tayback never campaigned, and today frantic city officials hastily tried to locate the man who may be their new boss to find out whether he is indeed alive. Widespread dissatisfaction with the two leading candidates appears to be part of Tayback's lure. The two major candidates are incumbent Mayor Dick "Dick" Riordan, a former corporate raider, and Jane Fonda's ex-husband, State Senator Tom "Tom" Hayden. Exit polls showed Tayback doing surprisingly well in both African-American and Latino parts of the city. "Tayback's my man," said a 38 year-old African American voter in the Crenshaw District. "The man has soul, I'm telling you. He'll be good for Los Angeles." His sentiments were echoed by a Latino voter leaving a Boyle Heights polling place. "You know, like when he used to say, Stew it, dingee'? That's the leadership this city needs." In many parts of the city, the phrase, "Stew It Dingee", which became Mr. Tayback's acting trademark on the 1970s series, was seen spraypainted on walls and freeway overpasses. A few people spraypainted "Kiss My Grits," apparently unaware that it was Flo, one of the waitresses in Mel's Diner, and not Mel, who uttered those words. Media efforts to locate Mr. Tayback proved fruitless. Earlier in the evening, KABC-TV news anchor Harold Greene announced that he had an exclusive interview with Mr. Tayback. KABC later had to issue a retraction, stating not only that no exclusive interview existed, but also that Mr. Greene is in fact a robot who had been misprogrammed. California Governor Pete Wilson was livid about the results. "I've said it once, and I'll say it again, this democracy thing just doesn't work. I am so sick of these whiny liberals moaning on about one man one vote.' Now to see who the mayor is we have to watch Nick at Nite' reruns." Wilson did not rule out the possibility of a state investigation to see if illegal immigrants posing as citizens had voted for Tayback. If elected, Los Angeles will be the largest in a string of cities that have elected former 1970s sitcom stars as their chief executives. The trend started last year after Cincinatti voters elected Jimmie Walker, who starred as J.J. on "Good Times," and continued when voters elected the actor who played Rerun on "What's Happening" as mayor of Boise, Idaho. Rerun ran as a conservative Republican who opposed abortion rights |
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MedicineEncephalitis Outbreak Cause of SlackingTainted Blueberries BlamedApr. 10, 1997, Submitted by RusputinClick On Headline to view in full screen(ATLANTA) Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a report yesterday of a previously unknown wave of the rare neurological disease, Encephalitis (Sleeping Sickness). The FDA and other government investigators have traced the Encephalitis explosion to a batch of blueberries grown and processed sometime in the early eighties."We were actually preparing a study on Valium Babies," said one researcher with the FDA. "Children whose parents consumed massive dosages of Valium before, during, and after pregnancy. When one of our lab assistants made the comment that it looked like the whole generation of kids had encephalitis. Well, it was a big joke for a while. Oh sure Chuck, EVRYthing's Encephalitis. But, what was I saying,... Oh yeah then we figured we should check it out. I don't remember why." Medical experts believe this epidemic has been raging unchecked for over a decade. Some cite the rampant "Me" attitude synonymous with the eighties as the leading cause of this nation's ignorance of it's children's health. Another reason is that the symptoms include: fatigue, lethargy, apathy, mood swings, excessive sleep, loss of appetite and a general feeling of worthlessness which we have come to take for granted in our youth. "We're talking about a generation that prides itself on 'Slacking' to use their phrase," said Hormer Entewylder, Encephalitis expert at the CDC. "I think that we can now conclusively prove without a doubt that this whole Generation X/ TewntySomething culture was definitely created by a batch of bad berries in nineteen eighty-two. We've had hundreds of thousands of kids running around with Encephalitis for almost twenty years, and nobody noticed! This is abominable neglect!" When asked if and how the thousands of young men and women would be treated, Entewylder replied "Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. Kids are tough." The FDA has traced the disease to certain blueberries grown in Nova Scotia, and transported to the US for processing as early as 1982. Records show that most of the berries were used in General Mills' BooBerry brand cereal, and in other artificial products containing trace amounts of actual blueberries. The investigation has, thus far, uncovered no reasonable cause for the infection of the berries. |
HealthBoiling Daffodils Good For You!Apr. 10, 1997, Submitted by Bavhraghita Semionopololes click on headline to view in full screen(LONDON) The British Medical Association announced yesterday that they have discovered the 'elixir of life' so long sought-after by scientists across the world. It consists, very simply, of inhaling the fumes given off by a pan of boiling daffodils."This result was reached by painstaking experiments," a spokesman said, denying a rumour that it came about by pure chance. "Of course it wasn't the boss' 9-year-old daughter who thought of it. How dare you suggest - oh, you're not. That's all right, then." Common belief that this procedure is harmful was refuted by the BMA, but Algernon Ffyllyonnagrw, a new-age healer from the hills of North Wales claimed that he had found the elixir but was subsequently kidnapped and forced to tell his secret. "The strange thing is," he said, his voice trembling, "they looked just aliens wearing white robes. I demand national protection." Mr. Ffyllyonnagrw has since been put into a mental institution. The BMA believes this discovery will revolutionise medicine, and now plan to continue their research into important fields such as how to pass your driving test first time and, more importantly, how to get rid of the body of the insurance salesman who's been in the shed for the last week. |
ObituaryEveryone DeadApr. 10, 1997 Submitted by Acedtect(Click On Headline to view in full screen)Everyone died yesterday in a massive worldwide disaster that wiped out all life on the planet. In what is being called "Armageddon" by some, the entire world's plant and animal populations were destroyed. In a surprising development even cockroaches failed to survive the cataclysm."They finally bit it, did they?" remarked God in a post-apocalyptic press conference. "About time too. You know I hate to get halfway through something and realize it's just not working out. You know what I mean? This saves me a lot of trouble." Caspar Wisentsein, spokesman for the undead spoke afterwards. "This is a real setback for the phantasmagoric world. I mean hauntings are right out without anyone to haunt and our ranks have swollen tremendously after this. I feel like I'm at America On-Line. God put out a briefing intimating that his next project would involve a wholly new approach to existence. "No Sartres and Nietzches this time round," he wrote wryly. Memorials can be made to God at Heaven. Humanity is survived by a piece of rock called Earth. SBN will keep you info..... Oh hell everyone's dead anyway. What's the point? |
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