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• 1st May, 1998 - Man Sues Acme Products
• 5th May, 1998 - Man Misrepresents Self in Chat Room
• 6th May, 1998 - Clinton Sued By Inner Child
• 9th May, 1998 - Terrorists Hold Chili Cookoff
• 12th May, 1998 - 4 out of  5 Dentists Beat The Hell out of the 5th
• 12th May, 1998 - Mother's Day Ad Hoax Found Out Too Late
• 14th May, 1998 - World Health Organization Finds Health Miracle
• 15th May, 1998 - Uninvited Diplomats Threaten National Security
• 18th May, 1998 - Secondary Smoke Covers Southern US and Mexico
• 19th May, 1998 - Blass-Flemmie Publishing to Release New Bible
• 21st May, 1998 - Keith Richards Has Near-Life Experience
• 25th May, 1998 - Sharpshooting Dullard Hits Classmates
• 26th May, 1998 - STUDIO EXEC ADMITS “MOST NEWSCASTERS DON’T WEAR PANTS
• 27th May, 1998 - Should Secret Service Agents Testify
• 27th May, 1998 - Secondary Smoke Found To Be Cover Up
• 28th May, 1998 - Joe Reston Wins Oscar For Best Supporting Extra
• 28th May, 1998 - Oregon to Arm School Kids
• 29th May, 1998 - God On Trial

Man Sues ACME Products

Claims Negligence in Manufacturing

DESERT, 1-MAY-1998 (SBN) In a landmark case that is sure to rock the legal world, W. E. Coyote is suing the ACME corporation for "damages, physical and emotional, from gross negligence of their products".

Jonnie Cochran, Coyote's counsel, says that ACME's negligence is "horrible, unaccountable, and might be due to the fact that Mr. Coyote is a cartoon character and, therefore, was treated with prejudice".

Several products have been placed into evidence, prompting a hold on all manufacturing of said products at ACME: ACME's Rocket Skates, ACME's Home-Helicopter Kit, and ACME's Extra-Large Body Slingshotamong others. Joel Siccol, President of the ACME Corporation, says that the suit has put such a halt to business that a counter-suit is inevitable.

The facts in this case have been overwhelming, and the jury cannot help but be swayed by hearing incident after incident where ACME's products caused Mr. Coyote to smash into the side of a mesa (leaving an outlined indention of his body), or fly off a cliff and be crushed into the ground so that his body contorts to the shape of an accordion, making a wheezing and squeaking sound when he walks; and on one dark occasion in which a Pogo Stick bounced him repeatedly to the rock formation above and to the ground below with such force and abundance that Wile was pulverized into the size of a pancake.

Siccol's case depends on being able to prove that his products are not faulty, and that the fault lies with Mr. Coyote's operation of the said products. "It's only a matter of common physics," Siccol protested, "that when you sit on a rocket, and burst to a fantastic speed, that your body will suffer the forces of inertia and probably be damaged. I did not force Mr. Coyote to sit on that rocket."

But, without having included any warning labels or operating instructions with the products, ACME will have a hard time convincing the court that they were not negligent.

"There's no way to know what acceleration factor of the Rocket Skates is unless it comes with the product, right?" asked Cochran. "Do you know? I sure don't know. You don't know. The jury doesn't know. The judge doesn't know. And Mr. Coyote sure didn't know." He then turned to the jury and said, "If the product doesn't say, you must make them pay."

While this case has been a sign that the people will no longer be taken advantage of by big bureaucracies, it has also been an example for critics to bash the public for their own stupidity. "What's next?" one critic asked. "Some dumbass spill coffee on themselves and sue the restaurant?"

Mr. Coyote stands to win dollar damages (doctor bills and pain and suffering from lost meals and work) that could be in excess of US$50 million.

For Court Case see http://www.casema.net/~elitan/news.htm 

Man Misrepresents Self in Chat Room

Internet Community "Shocked and Outraged"

NORMAL, IL 5-MAY-1998 (SBN) 52-year-old George F. Martin, an accountant from this quiet midwestern city, was convicted today of misrepresenting his age and physical characteristics to strangers he met in an internet 'chat room.'

"This kind of conduct completely undermines the trust base that we have tried to create here," said Michael Shuster, who runs the 'Hot Talk' chat room. "It’s this kind of evil that taints everything we stand for," he added.

Martin had been using the chat room handle ‘Ramrod 8’, and representing himself as a "virile mid-30’s single male," although he is actually married, about 15 lbs. overweight, and hasn’t visited a gym in over 6 months.

"I’m shocked that there are people like this out there," said Dawn Lewis, a chatroom visitor who uses the name ‘Hot Coed.’

"I guess you really have to be careful who you are talking to."

Lewis, who actually graduated from Hoosier Valley Community College last year with an Associates Degree in Human Services, works at the local Safeway.

"I’ve been meaning to get my handle updated," she said. "I just haven’t gotten to it."

Martin received a relatively light sentence of 6 months probation. Although he is still allowed to frequent internet chat rooms, he must use the handle "Balding Mid-50’s MWM", and must wear a neck-restraint device to access his computer that delivers a painful shock if the wearer enters false information.

Mr. Martin was unavailable for comment. Mrs. Martin, who answered a phone call to the Martin home yesterday, said Mr. Martin will be too busy doing household chores, "for the forseeable future" to be spending much time on the computer. 

Clinton Sued By Inner-Child

Playful President Parlays Penis Again

"He touched me on my secret places. I'm an inner child and that only means one thing," the inner-child said slowly to a packed room of reporters. "I told him that I didn't like it, but he wouldn't stop."

Clinton last got in touch with his inner-child at a visit to Camp David last week, where he climbed onto a see-saw and begged Hillary to jump off a tree and onto the other side, in hopes that it would rocket him across the park. The limb is reported to have collapsed under the First Lady's increasing weight, forcing her head-first into the see-saw. The President flew only 3 feet.

"It was obvious that she wasn't going to play along," Clinton told the press, "so I had to take matters in my own hands and play with myself. But I didn't do anything that would be viewed as 'improper' or ask anyone to lie about it.

"I felt a little frisky, and all Hillary was doing was bleeding and crying, so I did what any normal man would do. Here, I'll show you," The President made a move towards his trouser zippers but was immediately interrupted by several aids who dragged from the room while the President allegedly yelled, "I may be the President of the United States, but that doesn't mean that I have to be master of my domain!"

"It's a pattern of behavior," Kenneth Star told SBN. "Who, or should I say 'what', is next? It's just a matter of time before he sexually abuses his dog or Al Gore or both at the same time." Ken shuddered. "Not only do we need this man out of the White House, we need him behind bars where he belongs."

Starr declined to comment on his own recent arrest.

Clinton's attorneys declined to make a formal comment, but said, off the record, that they hope the President can manage to keep his hands to himself for at least "the next year and a half. At least in public."

Terrorists Hold Chili Cookoff

Several Groups Claim Responisbility For Success

The Jihad Group, whose mission is to overthrow the government of Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, entertained a crowd of several thousand sympathizers with an afternoon of activities that included simulated armed attacks against high level Egyptian Government officials, a clinic on Sniper Tips, and booths where young sympathizers were taught the basics of pipe bomb building.

Later, at the park's bandshell, an excellently detailed reinactment of Jihad's 1981 assination of President Sadat delighted the mostly Islamic audience.

Mohammed Sabat Sabin won the grand prize raffle drawing of the Franklin Mint dinner plate set depicting hand etched scenes from the 1980 seizure of the US embassy in Tehran. Sabin has not come forward to claim the prize as he is spending a year dead to avoid Interpol prosecution.

Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri who slipped into the Country via a Texas oil baron's gym bag, said the cookoff was a huge success and will provide funds for several months supply of explosives which he says will be equally distributed to Jihad members in Cairo, Afganistan, Pakistan, and Sudan.

4 Out of 5 Surveyed Doctors Beat the Hell Out of the 5th

"No, I'm not sorry," Dr. Pat Resnick said at a press conference. "The bastard deserves whatever he got."

"Sure, we all hated him," Dr. Mary Holdham added. "He was always going against us for no reason whatsoever. Just to be a jerk. I hate people like that."

Dr. Kelly Collard held up a piece of paper. "We had proof right here that Advil is better than Tylenol. Scientific proof! But he still refused to go with us, forcing their survey to again say '4 out of 5 doctors prefer Advil to Tylenol'."

Studies show that this same situation has happened again and again with products such as Robutussin, Lever 2000, Ex-Lax, and Centrum.

"You know what his complaint against Ex-Lax was?" asked Dr. Darrell Bonner, the last of the group. "He said that too many people would like the chocolate taste so much that they'd eat a whole pack. Now who in their right mind would do that? Seriously, he just wanted to be an ass."

Though their crime would seem callous, most of the public upholds the attacking doctors. In fact, an exclusive SBN poll showed that 9 out of 10 surveyed thought that the doctors should be acquitted. The 10th was quickly beat to a bloody pulp.

Mother's Day Ad Hoax Found Too Late

Viewers In Uproar

Dickens' Cider was advertised as "the great alternative to apple juice." The ad went on to say, "Give your mother something special this Mother's Day. Just one try and she'll agree that she's never had anything as good as a Dickens' Cider."

Viewers are in uproar over the profane false ad and NBC is confused as to how this could have happened.

"I don't know," Steve Uhlir, a spokesperson at NBC, told reporters. "This is a shocker to me. How in the hell did something like this get on the air?"

Mark Weigand, the NBC executive who bought the fake advertisement, admitted being "a tad skeptical."

"I thought it was strange that the two owners of Dickens' Cider were teenagers, but, hell, you never know with kids these days. I guess I should have figured it out when they said their names were Mike Hunt and Harry Nads."

Not only did the spots cause a stir with viewers, but they have also put a huge loss on NBC financially. Apparently, Weigand allowed the ads to be aired without receiving payment beforehand.

"They said they forgot their checkbook, and, normally, I'd say 'no way', but they brought some of the cider with them and gave me a whole month's supply as a gesture of good faith. It's delicious. Fake or not. In fact, just the other day, I was drinking a Cider for myself and gave my mother a Coke. She said she'd rather have my Dickens' Cider. I was more than happy to oblige."

Subbrilliant News had the Cider analyzed by a local laboratory. The Cider is made from chicken urine, breast milk, and what appears to be agar grown in a high-school biology class.

WHO Finds Health Miracle

English Villager Unwittingly Holds Key

Yard labourer John Falsteff of Elmley Castle stunned the WHO surveyors with his ruddy complexion, strong constitution and highly potent immune system.

"This man would be a miracle of modern medicine, except he hasn't been to a physician his entire life," said Dr. Kennedy Leach, head of the WHO survey mission.

Most days Falsteff can be found in the Elmley Castle pub before setting out in the late morning to work.

"I shall have five pints this morning, I hope," said Falsteff, "And three pints of beer tonight, and a pint of ciderwith my supper. And then to bed. And I don't catch a cold."

Medical analysis of the 107 year old Falsteff has revealed no identifiable difference in the workman's basic body chemistry except for the above average content of alcohol in his bloodstream.

Already, Macmillan has contacted Falsteff to discuss the publication of, 'The Falsteff Diet Way to Better Longer Life," set to be released in the Fall if the deal goes through.  Falsteff is asking to be paid partially in pints.Some Material Provided BY Dr. A. Sullivan of the SuBBrilliant Institute for Natural History 

Uninvited Diplomats Could Threaten National Security

Congress Reviews Why Americans Aren't Liked

The Special Report stated that "extremely high level intelligence gathered by the country's top agencies" concluded that "many people just do not like Americans" and confirmed some vague suspicions that "representatives of the U.S. Government are often uninvited and less-than-welcomed visitors" in many areas of the World.

President Clinton expressed shock and dismay when told of the Committee's findings and pledged an additional $1.7 million "to find out which Countries were involved and to what extent." In the meantime, Clinton encouraged all government officials traveling overseas to "try to be happy and continue the fine work they are doing."

The report also stated that 67% of diplomatic deaths could be traced to not being accepted by the locals.

"Ambassadors are our representatives of good will," said Expert Witness Dr. Francine Goodin. "When that good will is rejected or unappreciated, our ambassadors feel down. Quite often diplomatic absenteeism can be traced directly to the after-effects of being snubbed or not being invited to a party."

Congress is also looking into the Indian embassy where US diplomats have complained about being left out of field trips, dinners and the occasional off the record orgy or debauch. US diplomats were left off of seven straight dinner lists and three cocktail parties immediately prior to India's nuclear tests.

Secondary Smoke Covers Mexico and Southern US

Ad Campaign Backfires

.The campaign which started in late April has caused cigarette consumption to rise 3000% in Guatemala, Honduras and Southern Mexico. Jorge Martinez of New York ad agency Sullivan & Sullivan created the monster.

"I had no idea it would be so successful," said Martinez. "It's too bad the key to the campaign doesn't translate into English. Wildfire could use a boost in the domestic market."

Wildfire has become so popular that the southern Mexican without a lit Wildfire is rare indeed. The second hand smoke however has become an international problem. President Clinton offered the service of the American Lung association to help curb the pollution caused by the heavy smoking. Texas Governor George Bush has also offered to buy Philip Morris and sell it to the Mexican Government to help control the advertisement.

The cloud of secondary smoke now stretches all over Texas and can even be detected in cities as far north as Detroit and Boston.

Health officials are advising residents of Texas and Florida where the smoke is heaviest, to breathe through cigarette filters and stay indoors.

Blass-Flemmie Publishing to Release New Bible

NIRSV Intended to Increase Good Books Popularity

"Sure, the Bible has been the best-selling book of all time," said President of Blass-Flemmie Publishing Lucy Ferzebub, "but that doesn't mean that it can't evolve and change with the times."

Ferzebub sees shrinking Bible sales as "not necessarily bad, but indicating that people are needing more. They've heard it all over and over and over again and know what's coming next time they read it.

"Where's the fun? Where's the pizzazz?" she asked.

Studies have shown that over 75% of all households have a TV Guide on their nightstand, while the Bible is nearly always tucked away in a drawer.

Ferzebub hopes to revive the forsaken book sales with a new approach.

"To bring it to the people's level," she said smiling. "That's what they need. 'So-and-so begat so-and-so begat so-and-so'... c'mon! How boring is that??"

Ferzebub's Team will double the suspension and triple the anticipation of the Cain and Abel story with a chase-scene, whereby Abel will finally be caught and killed by his brother. "It's an incredibly frightening sequence."

Not limiting herself to the Old Testament alone, Ferzebub has also revamped the New Testament as well, adding the one thing that Ferzebub calls the Bible's most glaring gap: comedy.

During the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus ponders some very Seinfeld-like situations: "Have you ever noticed how people who are possessed, their eyes always roll back in their head? Why is that? I mean, can't the devil just look through a person's eyes like normal? C'mon!"

Ferzebub even steals from more recent pop icons, such as South Park. In one passage where Jesus is pronounced dead on the cross, Paul yells out, "Oh my God, they killed Jesus!" To which Matthew adds, "You bastards!"

Other changes include a kid's sections with pop-ups of David and Goliath, and a color-by-number page of a body-strewn battlefield.

"We've also added a few pages of Jumbles and a crossword puzzle," she said, "no pun intended."

Keith Richards Has Near-Life Experience

Morticians Say Its Just a Fluke

"I han't seen the old bloke move like it since '64, when Ringo made to steal his stash." said Mick Jagger, "He was like lightning, he was!"

"I saw this blinding light and the whole room came into focus," said Richards. "Colors started to form: yellow, red, blue. My lungs filled up with air, and my bum! By God! I could feel my bum again! I never felt so alive!"

What sparked the incident is still uncertain, but morticians believe that the bright light and colors were just the television.

"This is quite common, actually," said Fred Unger,Mr. Richards' personal mortician. "I'd have to say it was acid flashbacks more than anything. But, no worries, Keith won't be back with us any time soon. I doubt it will ever happen again. He'll be dead for a long, long time."

Richards has almost fully recovered from the excitement, resuming his decaying position on his couch in front of the TV. The emotional element still exists, but Keith's heart rate returned to zero and he breathed out one last, choked sigh of relief when his left arm fell off and he realized that the whole experience was probably just a fluke.

Stalking the Wild Lurkette Part II

STUDIO EXEC ADMITS “MOST NEWSCASTERS DON’T WEAR PANTS

Public Not Surprised

NEW YORK, 26-MAY-1998 (SBN) At a hearing today concerning ethics in journalism, an executive for a major news studio admitted that most network anchor persons go naked or semi-naked from the waist down while on the air. The revelation, long suspected by college-age males, sent shock waves throughout the industry. NBC immediately issued a statement saying “Our news anchors have always met or exceeded the industry standards. We forbid them to go on the air in anything less than a thong for males or a g-string for females.” An ABC spokesman admitted, “It’s very hot under all those lights and makeup. Going semi-naked just makes sense under these conditions.” He added, “However, our anchorpersons have always acted in a professional manner while on the set.”

The executive, testifying under condition of anonymity, said the time had come to unveil this practice. “It’s time the industry brings this practice to light before it comes out on 60 Minutes or one of those shows. It’s nothing dirty or anything. In fact, most anchorpersons like to have a little fun with it. It eases the tension on a fast-paced newsdesk.” He recounted stories of how lead anchors routinely parade through the set in frilly garter belts and edible undies to try and distract the person on the air. “It’s hard to rattle the old pros,” he said. “But junior announcers must pass this trial by fire. Once you can report a story while Barbara Walters or Mike Wallace shakes their privates at you and dances just off camera, you’re accepted as one of the gang.” Officials at New York’s Columbia School of Broadcasting admitted that behind-the desk nudity has been an unwritten industry standard for years. “It’s not something we condone, but I admit it’s a common practice,” said Judd Markham, Dean of Students. “It’s been going on since the days of Edward R. Murrow. We may as well just get it out in the open and move on to the real news.”

Officials at CBS, bowing to industry pressure, also admitted to the practice. “That’s the way it is,” said long-time CBS icon Walter Cronkite. Fox News, while not admitting to nudity on its sets, announced the new “Newscaster Bloopers and Out-Takes” show, scheduled to be slotted after The Simpsons. It will carry a “Mature Content” disclaimer, and is expected to significantly improve Fox’s sagging Sunday night ratings.

Should USSS Agents Testify?

Departmental Policy Contradictory.

Merletti, who took over as Director in 1997, said he personally did not understand Secret® Service Policy of being "strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." His final statement, before leaving todays press conference: "I wish we were Sure®."

Smoke Determined to Be Coverup

Tobacco Companies Diabolical Plan Uncovered

The two major tobacco companies fed disinformation to SBN and other news services last week to the effect that the secondary smoke over Mexico and the U.S. was the natural result of heavy smoking. (See "Secondary Smoke Covers Mexico and Southern US" SBN, 18 May)

"I can't believe we were taken in," said Attorney General Janet Reno, who has issued orders for the ATF to seize the assets of the companies involved. "IN retrospect it does seem a little rediculous that all that smoke was caused by individual smokers," reflected Reno. "It makes much more sense now that we know it was a conspiracy of big business."

But the government isn't totally innocent.  Found amongst half shredded documents in the Smoke Factory headquarters were letters with NSA, CIA and MI6 contacts and addresses listed.

"There's more here than meets the eye," said FBI Special Agent Randy Boyer. "I don't know if we'll ever get to the bottom of it but this seems to be the tip of a burning iceberg."

Phillip Morris and RJ Reynolds both disavowed knowledge of the operation and claimed in a press release it was, "...an obvious case of overzealous lower management crossing the line.  We at the executive levels would never approve of such action."

Joe Reston Wins Oscar for Best Supporting Extra!

HOLLYWOOD, 28-MAY-98 (SBN) In a bold move by the Academy, Joe Reston was awarded an Oscar statue for his role as "the guy walking the dog" in "Contact". Critics had mistakenly assured viewers that the "dead frozen guy" in "Titanic" was a shoe-in.

"It's blatant anti-Titanicism on the part of the Academy," director/writer/King of the World, James Cameron said, and then asked that he not be quoted on that. He feels that this was one more award that Titanic had rightfully stolen from the rest of the competition.

"Gimme a break," Reston retorted and patted his faithful dog who co-extra'ed with him. "I won fair and square. That dead frozen guy didn't look too dead or too frozen to me. I didn't feel it here," he said, pressing his fist in his upper-chest.

The "dead frozen guy" wasn't the only hurdle that Reston had to avoid on the way to the top. His other competition included "little girl wearing hat" in "LA Confidential" and "outraged prisoner" in "Air Force One".

"Now HE was good," Reston admitted, referring to the "outraged prisoner". "I was a little worried. He nailed what it really takes to be an outraged prisoner. I felt it. That guy's gonna go places."

The Oscars for Extras were handed out five weeks after the televised Oscar ceremony. But that doesn't make Reston feel slighted.

"The show's long enough as it is. I don't mind. I had my fifteen minutes. I'll have it again. This award proves that. But, what I hate, is when people say 'Oh, he was just walking a dog. Anyone can do that.' There's more to it than that. Much more. Rufie had blisters on his paws from practicing so much!"

Reston smiled and patted Rufie on the head. "But, you know, the movie's better because of it. And that's all that matters."
 

Oregon to Arm School Kids

Principal Insists Its For Kids Protection

"All students should be armed and dangerous. That way they can blow away the troubled kids before they get blown away themselves," said president Helly P. Mortimer.

Mortimer contends that had students had been armed, they could have shot Kipland Kinkel before he took out his fellow classmates.

"They also could have shot that really bitchy lunch lady who won't let you get free servings of lime jello," Mortimer said.

The National Rifle Association agreed saying, "...guns don't kill people, really twisted people kill people. And if the less twisted people were armed, they could kill the less twisted ones."

High school students said they resent being outgunned by the likes of Kinkel. "Guns should be as available as condoms," said Sally J. Stupefyer.

God on Trial!

Will He Be Crucified Again?

In an exclusive interview, Falwell assured SuBBrilliant News that god merely desires his day in court to prove his benevolence once and for all.

Protesters referred to the upcoming trial as the “second crucifixion of God” and threatened potential jurors with damnation. With no Americans being available to judge their creator, atheists from Australia have been recruited to serve as a jury of God’s peers,

God’s appearance has been long awaited. The scene was set in early 1997 when the Supreme Court declined to rule on the now famous case of Swaggart v. United States Constitution, [604 Cal.App, 3d 149, 461 Cal Rptr 892]. In the words of Justice Reinquist, “God irrefutably exists....and Jesus Christ is undeniably the living God. The churches have pronounced it, and Christians have proved it. The lower courts were correct in recognizing and upholding our American heritage and the Christian foundations of our Democratic Republic by making church attendance and tithing on the Sabbath mandatory for all citizens.”

There were no dissentions.

This momentous decision laid the groundwork for the United States Congress to admit and legitimize our One Nation Under God status by passing the 28th Amendment, officially renaming the United States of America “One Nation Under God”. The logical consequence of this action was the 29th Amendment, demanding all Americans, necessarily patriotic, to admonish and proclaims God’s existence. The Amendment was passed in 1998 and all self-confessed or convicted non-Christians were deported or imprisoned.

A significant aspect of the Amendment was the intentional omission of our creator’s one true Christian Denomination, in order to preserve our democratic freedom of choice. This, to the conciliation of all Christian’s alike.

It was at about this time that Attorney General Janet Reno began her investigation into past unsolved crimes. Gathering evidence from the Holy Bible - which was incorporated into the Constitution’s Preamble - Reno convinced a Federal Grand Jury to issue an indictment against the Lord our God.

At his arraignment, where God himself was absent, Defense Attorney Billy Graham pled not guilty on God’s behalf to charges of 1st Degree Murder, Conspiracy, Cruelty to Animals, Destruction of Public Property, and numerous human rights violations.

After a motion by Graham, Judge Moses Twain dismissed all but the murder charges - sighting the statute of limitations, then set a trial date. Twain set no bail; allowing God to go free on his own recognizance.

Said Reno, “I believe Jesus Christ is my savior, but the law is the law, and no one is above it.”