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SuBBrilliant News Archives- August 1997 

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  • August 1997

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    Newman's Own Spaghetti Sauce A Fraud

    FDA Finds No Trace of Newman in Randomly Selected Jars
    29th August, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtectclick here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
    (Alameda, California) The FDA released damning evidence today against 'Newman's Own' spaghetti sauce which has people wondering about the intentions of the film star and alleged gourmet.
        The report stated that the FDA had made random checks of over 300 jars of Neman's sauce and found that not one single jar contained any identifiable trace of Paul Newman.
        "Not a skin flake, not a hair follicle, not an eyelash," said FDA inspector Jamie Koch. "The huge smiling face on the outside of the jar would lead the average consumer to believe they were getting a jar filled with Newmany goodness.  That poor naive consumer would be wrong!"
        Newman was unavailable for comment but the company which jars the sauce issued a statement saying they stood behind the quality and taste of the 'Newman's Own' line of products.
        This searing indictment comes on the heels of last weeks revelation that Frank Sinatra spaghetti sauce contained less than 1% actual Frank Sinatra, much less than the sillhouette on the jar implied. The Sinatra sauce only contained small amounts of leg hair.
        Spaghetti industry leaders are worried about this trend and fear more inquiries by the FDA.
        "We've seen what happened to the tobacco industry," said an unnamed spaghetti CEO, "and the spaghetti industry doesn't have the funds or the strength to stand up to federal regulators.  This could mean bad things in the sauce world in general.
        Many companies in and out of the spaghetti sauce industry including Aunt Jemima syrup, Betty Crocker and Little Debbie issued assurances to their customers that the FDA would never find such issues of contention with their products.

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    "The Virtual Year of the Woman":

    Every year seems to be The Year of The Woman in Hollywood.

    15th August, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed Click Here to return to Front Page©1997 Vikki Reed, All Rights Reserved.
     

    Imagine a bowling game.  Imagine the team:  10 men and 2 women.  The men get an extra rack every time-up.  Their pins are twice the size, and the ball is larger, yet made of a lighter material.  The men bowl to a hushed crowd, with respectful narration. When the women step up to let go of their ball, all of the men jump out and shout:  OOGIE-BOOGIE!  That seems to be the analogical version of women in Hollywood.

    Every year, the women in the biz are featured in the trades;  one week out of fifty-two possible weeks.  Women experience their menstrual cycles more than attain valid 'industry' acknowledgment.

    Vanity Fair, a magazine which features some of my favorite bios, political exposes, and crime-stories;  is also most guilty of spreading the legs of every woman they profile or photograph.

    Right before "Speed" blew-her into the stratosphere, Sandra Bullock was photographed for VF in a spandex tiny swim-suit, high-f-me pumps, huge lips and eyes, hair slicked-back, on her belly in a water-fountain...holding a trickling garden hose over her extended, luscious, tongue.  The caption read something like, "Talented, up-and-coming-ACTRESS...Sandra Bullock".
    Of course, her hose technique is clearly special.

    All I ask is that we see a picture of Quentin Tarantino, wearing only mesh underwear, oiled-up and spread-eagled in a water-bed, holding only a gun and his trickling garden hose.

    Recently VF featured Hollywood `97.  They put the most scrumptious beautiful actresses around all over the magazine.  Inside, they featured a pictorial dedication to the premiere female power-brokers in show-business.  Two pages...of tiny, "Betty Crockeresque" headshots...quaffed, and smiling vacantly the power-brokers were snapped holding phones, or wearing head-sets.

    I am glad someone took notice of these women.  They do make everything happen.  But how come the male power-brokers aren't lined-up like a bunch of cute secretaries and D-Girls.  The women in these photos all had this look of, "Hold-on, while I get a man to talk to you..."

    Why did "The Ex-Wives Club" went for the cheaper jokes, and the darker baggage that really comes with being dumped and divorced?  It would have been funnier if it did.  Maybe too many male executives who were members of the "Alimony & Abandonment Club".

    How come we saw everything but Elizabeth Berkely's labia in "Showgirls", but we barely saw Kyle McLaughlin's ass?

    How come the only two man-asses in this town we see with any regularity are Michael Douglas and Mel Gibson?  First time's a real charmer...but does NO ONE EVER TELL YOU TO STOP?!

    Wouldn't a more accurate version of "Disclosure" have been Michael Douglas and Shelly Winters:  ("Owe!  My back!")  Just get the message to  M.D. to scoop up his saggy, middle-aged-ass and put it away, where it won't hurt anyone anymore!   "Braveheart"?  Mel, try "Braveass".

    Okay, no one put a gun to the heads of women in Hollywood and made them demand or get less.  Ultimately, it isn't under the control of any one actress, producer, agent, etc.  It can only change if all women demand it.  Even then, we still have to get the green-light from men, collectively.

    Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Greer Garson, Lana, Ingrid, Judy, Rita...they were the top box-office.  They all acted in dramas, comedies, and pot-boilers, and historicals, and musicals and film-bios.

    Those pictures still make money, just no one's making them.  It would be nice if one day, in Hollywood, we were more likely to see Gena Rowlands or a new Julie Christie star in a major motion picture rather than Harvey Keitel's penis.

    By the way, I hope Harvey's penis has an agent, because he seems to be getting rather a lot of work lately.  I foresee a BIG-BIG career for the Bad Lieutenant's "Little Harvey".

    Look for Harvey Keitel's penis in a classic movie-musical remake...coming this summer to a theater near you, it's Harvey Keitel's Penis in MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS!!!  (Look for the little penis with a banjo and wearing a straw-hat in the parade scene...)
    Coming this Christmas, it's Harvey Keitel's Penis and Denzel Washington's Penis in a remake of a classic drama:  THE DEFIANT PENISES!!!   (One penis is black, one penis is white, tied together by a ripped condom, they must learn to get along...)

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    World Association Of Mediocrity Meets

    Champaign, Illinois Hosts Acceptable Conference '97

    15th August, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtectclick here to return to Front Page©1997 SuBBrilliant News ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

        (CHAMPAIGN, IL) The World Association of Mediocrity (WAM) kicks off their 1997 Conference this weekend, entitle, "An Acceptable Conference."
        Fairly non-descript people from all over the United States have converged to enjoy a weekend of decent beer, marginal food and barely sufferable seminar.  This years key-note speaker is Conan O'Brien.
        "I think it'll be OK," said WAM President Tom Smith.
        "I agree with Tom," said WAM VP, Dick Jones.  WAM Secretary, Harry Baker could not be reached for comment.
        Last years conference, entitled Another Conference received reviews from the official WAM press organ, the WAM Magazine.
        "We're hoping this years conference will be as OK as that one," said Smith.
     
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    ANAGRAMS NOW LEGEALLY BINDING

    15th August, 1997 submitted by Acedtect©1997 SuBBrilliant News
        (WASHINGTON, DC) In a new ruling by a Federal District Court, Anagrams have been declared as legally binding as regularly written words.
        The case of Bob Gododog vs. State of Maryland was decided in the favour of Gododog, who asserted that the phrase 'can of doggy' was merely an anagram for 'go fancy dog' and therefore the State of California could not possibly demand his back pet licensing fees.
        The court ruled that any anagrams were legally binding opening the way for a settlement to the UPS strike that both sides could live with.
        Kabbalists and others see the ruling as a bellweather for similar suits as well as a sign of the end times.
        Gododog says he will not stop there but also push to use palindromes to get him out of several parking tickets and a jay-walking charge.
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    Don't Get Short Changed!

    Dollar Coins Worth More, Says Coin Company

    8th August, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtectclick here to return to Front Page©1997 SuBBrilliant News ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

    Susan B. Anthony Dollar(Littleton, New Hampshire)Everyone remembers the failure of the Susan B. Anthony Dollar Coin. And many of us know what became of them when we receive our change from Post Office stamp machines. But according to the Littleton Coin Company, 6 of these coins are worth US$10.00. That's approximately US$1.50 per coin.

    The Coin company offers a set of six dollar coins for US$10 (down from the regular price of US$18.95). According to its literature, the Susan B. Anthony coin, "...is becoming a prized collectible."

    This can provide amazing purchase opportunities! The US post office is still dispensing these coins as change in many stamp machines at a value of One Dollar Each!

    The next time you get one of these coins from the post office remember its extra value. Perhaps you spend it at the local Dollar Store on a spatula. When you pay with the Susan B. Anthony Coin DEMAND YOUR 50 cents in change!

    This could lead to a great savings over the course of a few years as the Susan B. is sure to get more collectible.

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    Impulse Buys of the Nineties

    8th August, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed Click Here to return to Front Page©1997 Vikki Reed, All Rights Reserved.
    1. Cell Phones: Sugar-Free-Long-Lasting, Take a Penny, or Flip-Phone.
    2. Breast Implants: Maybe I'm wacky, but I spend my extra money-up for a new bra.
    3. Phen-Fen: Saying Phen-Fen will result in a bigger weight-loss.
    4. Step One of a 12-Step Program: It only takes a minute.
    5. Nutrageous Candy Bar: Like a smoker who switches to a low-tar cigarette, this is the candy for those who've wrecked their teeth on Milky Way Candy Bars.
    6. Wives: Most Wife-Buyers idealize the level of commitment involved with owning a wife. Once out of the kitten stage, they're often driven to a strange neighborhood and abandoned.
    7. Treadmills, Nordic-Tracks, Abdominzers, etc.: The only way these types of products would pay for themselves is if you made a point of dismantling and reassembling the product daily. You can make enough money to buy yourself a meal at Denny's if you sell it at a garage sale.
    8. Personal Bankruptcy: Why does this work for Wayne Newton, Willie Nelson, and Donald Trump; but I can't get a check-cashing card from my own bank for another 8 years?
    9. Celebrity: It's an open field, it's the most money you'll make in 15 minutes ever, and you can become transformed into a highly fuckable personality.
    10. Denial: Robert Blake shows-up with plastic surgery that is so bad, that his faced is permanently pinched to lizard-perfection. Helen Gurley Brown continues to mutilate her flesh in the era of sexual-harassment suits. Denial is very pricey. There's no denying that youth is as permanent as an orange.
    11. Litigation: 33% of free money is a damn good deal. If there is any justice, Satan will clog hell with endless appeals. The odds are better than LOTTO, and besides, you never have to see the people that you hurt.
    12. Range Rovers, 4X4 vehicles: You used to be able to impress Hollywood types by purchasing a really fancy tennis-racquet; your groceries were never transported by such power before.
    13. Sexually Transmitted Diseases (not including AIDS): When you buy a bunch of grapes you're exposed to everyone who yanked a grape off that bunch in passing. Sometimes men like to passive-aggressively say "I love you" with burning-itching sensation and precancerous legions.
    14. Obsessions: It's just so easy and lazy to pick an absolute stranger and decide that they would love you if they only picked up the phone and didn't have you arrested.

      15. Sitcoms based on stand-up comics: I'd suggest building situation comedies around magicians, jugglers, and fire-eaters.
       
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      Build Your Resistance to Junk Mail

      And Save Money!!!!

      8th August, 1997 submitted by AcedtectClick Here to return to Front Page.
      (Chicago, Illinois) Millions of pieces of junk mail are delivered everyday to homes across America and the world. Many people make the BIG MISTAKE of throwing their junk mail away.

      WHY NOT? You might say. What's the harm?

      Every Time You throw away a piece of Junk Mail You are lowering Your Resistance!!!

      Just like exposure to a cold virus helps you build up your resistance, exposure to junk mail helps you resist tempting but fraudulent offers.

      Our Simple 3 step Program can help you avoid frauds and SAVE YOU $$$$!

      AND IT'S FREE

      for the first installment.

      Our program teaches you how to AVOID TRAPS and catch buzzwords and tricks that marketers use to ensnare and confuse you.

      DON'T GET SUCKERED! ORDER NOW!

      Our FREE first installment at NO OBLIGATION, will teach you the basics of reading the opening letter. The following installments de-mystify the meaning of brochures and special offers.

      You can PROTECT YOURSELF and save Big Bucks.

      The first pamphlet is absolutely FREE. You are under NO OBLIGATION to continue receiving the pamphlets after the first 30 days.

      WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE???

      Order the first FREE pamphlet today. If you decide to keep it, pay only US$25 processing for the next two pamphlets. A small price to pay when you think of the MONEY YOU'LL SAVE.

      Every minute you delay may be losing you big bucks. ORDER NOW!

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