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• 4th August, 1998 - Microsoft\Vatican To Merge
• 5th August, 1998 - Governor Raciot Calls For Ban On Montana Jokes
• 10th August, 1998 - Clinton Declines Pope's Offer To Hear Confession
• 14th August, 1998 - Killer Bees Now Threaten US Borders
• 17th August, 1998 - Four Month Old Murderer To Be Tried As Adult
• 18th August, 1998 - "I Did It For Our Country," Says Clinton
• 21st August, 1998 - LL Bean Sponsors N. Carolina Search For Bombing Suspects
• 23rd August, 1998 - Perot Takes On Terrorists
• 24th August, 1998 - Tucson Declares Martial Law
• 25th August, 1998 - Newspaper Mistakenly Reports Fact
• 25th August, 1998 - FSU Cheerleaders Critical of Sudanese
• 28th August, 1998 - Soviets Staged Yeltsin Government As Cover-Up
• 31st August, 1998 - Wall Street's Subliminal Messages Hacked

 Microsoft\Vatican To Merge

Gates To Become Next Pope

VATICAN CITY, 4-AUG-1998 (SBN) - Microsoft stock soared after yesterdays announcement that they will merge with The Vatican, the software giant's biggest gain since their successful hostile takeover of the US Justice Department last year (See SuBBrilliant News, 21 October, 1997). Some financial and religious analysts were predicting that Bill Gates would buy out God himself, pressuring computer consumers and all Christians, Jews and Muslims to use Microsoft Products as a prerequisite for their salvation. But by merging only with the Catholic Church, Microsoft has shrewdly evaded international anti-trust violations.

Pope John Paul II, proudly adorned in his new skullcap emblazoned with the Windows (TM) Logo, informed the masses gathered within Vatican City that he is pleased with the deal, which he expects will attract millions of young, spiritually unfulfilled computer users around the world to The Church.

The Holy See emphasized that the merger had God's full endorsement, and that traditional Catholics who contested or criticized the decision would face immediate Ex-communication.

According to Sexual Offender Registration rolls, the number of practicing priests is at an all time low - and tithing has dropped dramatically - motivating The Church to make the move. The Vatican has been in desperate need of operating capital to recruit more priests and parishioners, with most of their billions of dollars in assets existing in non liquid forms such as art and real estate.

As a codicil to the deal, Gates will be named Pontiff after the demise of John Paul II, or when Windows (TM) 2000 is released, whichever comes first. His first official act is expected to be an edict changing the first commandment from "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me" to "thou shalt have no other operating systems before Windows (TM)." Added Gates, "That commandment has always been rather redundant anyway."

Pope Elect Gates has proposed Electronic Mass, soon to be incorporated into all Microsoft Web Browsers, where Catholics can take Holy Communion via the Internet, never leaving the comfort of their homes or pajamas during Sunday morning football games. Preached Gates, "Tithing will be done on-line by Debit or Credit Card, and with our new Secure Smart Browsers that will be incorporated into Windows (TM) '99 and beyond, a portion of the donation will automatically be deducted from the cost of your next Windows (TM) upgrade and applied to your Electronic 1040 Tax Return ."

"The Vatican and Catholic Church needed upgrading badly", said Gates, "what better Holy Men (and women) to lead us into the new millennium than Microsoft Executives and Programmers?" Gates added that he always wanted to own his own country, and the Vatican was the only one for sale.

Said Sidhartha Glaucoma, Professor of Economic Theology at the Sally Struthers Home Correspondence School, "This merger is a win win situation for everyone. We can expect the religious economy worldwide to improve tenfold. Now if only Donald Trump or Ted Turner would buy Jerusalem, corporate religion could set a positive precedent for years to come." 

Governor Raciot Calls for Ban on Montana Jokes

Bell Atlantic  Will Possibly Purchase 'Big Sky' State

Raciot calls the jokes which have been circulating on the Internet and late night television circuit "nothing short of slanderous." "People need to realize that states have rights, reputations and feelings, too."

Raciot's plea comes in the wake of yet another tragic incident involving a crazy Montanan. In an impromptu speech on a street corner not far from the Capitol yesterday, an irate Raciot pointed out to a gathering crowd that suspected gunman Russell Eugene Weston Jr. "simply suffered from paranoid schizophrenia," though experts are now saying that the diagnosis was made before it was learned where Weston had been living.

The American Psychological Association reacted to news of the shooting by forming a committee to decide whether the Diagnostic Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders should be amended to include the Northwestern state. Raciot maintains that connections between gunman, bombers and various militant groups and his beloved home are "purely coincidental" and has dismissed rumors that Timothy McVeigh spent some time in Helena as "probably not true."

Though authorities are at a loss to explain the connection between crazies and Montana as well, they now believe suspected abortion clinic bomber Eric Robert Rudolph is heading toward Billings.

"The number of people who the Secret Service and FBI consider dangerous or potentially dangerous are almost exactly the same for the state of Montana as they are for New York City," Raciot announced. "But how come no one's reporting that?" Raciot did not mention that the population of New York City is over eight and a half times that of the entire state of Montana.

Illinois governor Jim Edgar, fearing that a ban on Montana jokes could concentrate ridicule on his own state, is seeking similar legislation. Communication giant Bell Atlantic has proposed a solution to both the distasteful humor and inordinate number of crazy people by offering to buy Montana for US$52 billion and then develop it into a thriving and bustling metropolis.

"We feel like the more people we can cram in there, the less room there is for socially unacceptable behavior," said a Spokesperson for the telephone giant.

In response to concerns that the proposed development would ruin one of the few remaining untouched ecosystems left in the country, James Earl Jones said that they had no intention of developing the entire state. "We see Yellowstone as the new Central Park of the west," he said. Montanans who have made the vast expanses of land their homes for generations say they are ready for a change.

Vice President Al Gore warned Bell Atlantic board members that their planned purchase of Montana is sure to run into regulatory difficulties. "If [Bell Atlantic] were to buy Montana, that would mean they would control the huge majority of unsound American minds," Gore said with a straight face, then laughed uproariously at his quip.

CLINTON DECLINES POPE’S OFFER TO HEAR CONFESSION

RENO’S MOTHER TESTIFIES - JAPAN’S STRUGGLE WITH Y2K - VIAGRA AND THE STOCK MARKET

Following Lewinsky’s testimony on Thursday, however, during which the former intern admitted to having numerous though unsatisfactory sexual encounters with the president, Clinton apparently began to reconsider a confession. According to the president’s carnal advisers, one possible approach, which they say has proven itself in the past, would be to admit to having intercourse but deny ejaculation. According to White House sources, the president seemed open to the idea, though before the administration’s new legal writer, John Grisham, could draft a final statement, matters were further complicated when Starr had the president’s personal computer confiscated and discovered that www.jennicam.com was book marked in the web browser. Though clearly a setback for the president’s defense team, the new allegations were certainly not wasted on Bill Gates who, less than 24 hours later, announced that the new version of Internet explorer, scheduled to be released just in time for the 2000 election, will feature impenetrable bookmark security.

That evening, the president is said to have discussed the possibility of impeachment for the first time with long-time friend Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman). According to Reubens, Clinton did not appear completely opposed to the idea of an early retirement. “He knows he has already made history,” Reubens told NewsHash, “which is really all he set out to do.”

Any financial concerns the president may have been harboring were allayed on Wednesday when he was informed of a generous endorsement opportunity for the company which manufactures StainStik. According to the people at the FBI who read the president’s mail, Clinton’s obvious enthusiasm for working with young people may also prove profitable as the White House has already received over three dozen letters of appointment from academia, though over half of them are from fraternities. “Considering the circumstances, Bill is amazingly optimistic,” Reubens said. “He’s talking about taking advantage of low interest rates and buying out in Salt Lake.”

But just when it appeared that Clinton had fully resigned himself to peaceful capitulation, the president’s legal team scored their first major hit against Starr when a federal judge ordered an investigation into the possibility that the independent counsel’s firm leaked confidential information to the media. The accusations came after Rush Limbough published a column in the weekly journal “Presidential Prick” accusing the president of preferring “tighty whities” over boxers. Starr denied any wrongdoing, claiming that “any number of people have access to that kind of information.”
 

• In other news, Janet Reno’s mother was called in to testify before a House committee as a character witness on Thursday. After eight straight hours of testimony, the committee voted 24 to 18 to hold the attorney general in contempt of Congress for both refusing to acknowledge a subpoena requiring her to hand over Justice Department memos and for generally giving her parents hell as she was growing up. Sally Reno, an 82-year-old staunch Republican, recalled countless occasions of her daughter refusing to uphold what she described as “basic childhood responsibilities” such as making her bed, washing the dishes and brushing her hair. “As you can see, she still won’t do anything with her hair,” Mrs. Reno told reporters on the steps of the Capitol. Photographer Annie Leibovitz has offered a $6000 reward to anyone who can do what she has been unable to accomplish since 1993, which is take a flattering picture of Reno (the reward on Hillary Clinton is up to $10,000, by the way). In addition to the money, Leibovitz promises to get the photograph published in Vanity Fair.

• In a similarly tragic vein, a Philadelphia woman has been charged with killing eight of her ten babies over a 19-year period. Also under investigation is the intelligence of the entire Philadelphia Police Department for failing to make the connection until now.

• In a surprising statement made at a press conference on Tuesday, GM board members are now crediting Oprah, Sally and Montel for resolving the seven-week factory strike. Howard Gilman, a spokesman for the UAW, was quick to confirm the claim to reporters, saying that although the daytime talk show circuit has been proven addictive by the FCC, eventually it “just gets to be too much.” “You reach a point in the constant face of human suffering,” Gilman, awash with camera flashes, announced with nearly overwhelming emotion, “that all you want to do is get out there and build you a car.” The team of talk show hosts will each receive a free Saturn as a token of GM’s appreciation.

• It was reported this week that the Japanese, with their increasingly technological society, are likely to encounter more system failures and malfunctions as a result of the Y2K oversight than any other nation. Tokyo businesses have already spent billions of dollars going through the millions of lines of codes which instruct the country’s automated toilets and still have many million more to go. The project began after software engineers set the clock on a toilet ahead to December 31, 1999 and then slipped a high dosage of laxative into a coworker’s breakfast of fermented soy beans. Though there is no word on the subject’s condition, the entire team of programmers is currently in custody.

• Jerome Peterson, one of Washington’s top economic analysts, presented a report to the White House on Friday intimating a correlation between Tuesday’s stock market catastrophe and the steady increase in the value of Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, the “Viagra people.” “Many people’s minds are less on the economy these days,” Peterson, himself a frequent Viagra user, wrote. “Not only are we less concerned about our investments, but we are now having to keep ourselves far more liquid in order to handle all the costs associated with an increase in sexual activity.”
• Although so far, insurance companies are covering the majority of the cost of the drug itself, the additional costs of condoms, hygiene products, new clothing, expensive dinners and even prostitutes are not presently covered under most plans. “A lot of people are even going so far as to buy new mattresses, bigger cars and boats with cabins large enough to lie down in,” Peterson wrote. “Although we are seeing some short-term ill-effects, it is my belief that Viagra will actually strengthen the economy down the road.” Peterson concluded his report with a short verse which he believes encapsulates the relationship between the economy and what he is now calling “the wonder drug:”

“Our economy is a young beautiful virgin, fertile buy shy, Viagra her virile suitor fearing no sin. Though she may reject him at first, her resistance is cursed, So let’s let the great dance begin!”

KILLER BEES NOW THREATEN U.S. BORDERS

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