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SuBBrilliant News Archives- October 1997 

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Department of Justice ends Microsoft Probe After Hostile Takeover

21st October. 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect  click here to return to front page ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
(WASHINGTON, DC)Using the cover of the drop in the Asian market, Microsoft, Inc. conducted a clandestine hostile takeover of the department of Justice two days ago.  After shutting down Attorney General Janet Reno and then installing a new version with SSL encryption, Ms. reno held a press conference.

"The anti-trust probe of Microsoft Inc. has been ended and we have found no wrong-doing.  Microsoft has generously provided the people of Earth with technology well beyond their capabilities to understand which has engendered some misunderstanding.  However, we have cleared up that General Protection Fault and will now be enforcing the new Microsoft Home Rule."

The Microsoft Home Rule allows Microsoft the ability to re-write your home life based on parameters you provide.  All citizens of the United States are scheduled to show up at their local town council office between 1st November and 3rd November, citizens of the UK between 3rd November and 5th November and Australians whenever they sober up.  Failure to show up will result in a crashed system which includes the inability to open the windows of your home and the locking up of all doors.

President Clinton 3.0 applauded the Attorney General's decision and called for system-wide defrag.
 

Million woman March Sags Slightly

.125 Million Women Clog Philadelphia Restrooms

30th October, 1997 Submitted by Rev. Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)    Click Here to return to Front Page
(PHILADELPHIA) Thousands of women gathered in the "City of Brotherly Love" early Saturday for the 'Million Woman March' that organizers hoped would give African-American women a opportunity to compare recipes and coin new black power feminist phrases.
     Optimistic organizers speculated that as many as 4.5 million women would participate in the march.  But once heads were counted by representatives of the Accounting Firm of Seinfeld and Stein, a dismal 125,016 marchers were confirmed (+\-4%).  After the tabulation was officially complete, the newly empowered 'US Department of Accuracy in Advertising' forced organizers to re-name their event.
     Modeled after the 'Million Man March' held in Washington, D.C. two years ago, the 'Hundred Thousand Woman March' featured a day of Tupperware parties, prayer and MaryKay Cosmetics seminars.  The march has been organized by black women from all walks of life who are fed up with Oprah Winfrey, fugitive husbands and the "caucasionization of black women's hair".
     But there have been problems.  Local convenience stores sold out of Tampax and Depends on the first day, and public toilets were clogged with disposable tampons.  Women, waiting in restroom lines that stretched for blocks, accosted men and took over their toilets.   Some stubborn men fought back, but were quickly trampled by throngs of women with overflowing bladders. Said Mayor Stanley Pompous, "Can you imagine the riotous mess if 1 million or more leaking women actually showed up?"
     Speakers were to include Winnie Mandela, the former wife of South Africa President Nelson Mandela, and U.S. Rep. Maxine Waters, D-California. Said Davis, "We wanted Dione Warwick, but she was unavailable." Also, organizers had announced that Coretta Scott King, the widow of Martin Luther King Jr., and Rosa Parks, a civil rights heroine from Detroit, would attend, but both bowed out months ago.  It is believed that they were corrupted by the "cracker power brokers from Madison Avenue."
     Women of the march's security force armed with spatulas and serving spoons staked out a perimeter as early as 5a.m. EDT (0900 GMT) preparing for the day long event, which began with a prayer service. A gala ceremony was held Friday night, with 16,000 black transvestites being turned away.
     "I'm hoping that we'll go back to what it used to be like a long time ago... with sisters funnelling their common hate towards men in general, rather than just their white oppressors," said Uba Stevens, who arrived
early from Pittsburgh with her daughter and son . "We've taken care of white women, white men, white children ... our own men, our own children, their pets. And now it's time that we take care of ourselves" she said.  Steven's son was quickly confiscated by organizers, and held in an undisclosed daycare center until after the festivities concluded.
     Millions of White, Asian and Hispanic women complained after not being invited to the march.  One critic exclaimed, "What are we, chopped liver? They should have called it the 'Million Black Women March'. We'll just have to hold our own damn event now."   Currently in the planning stages by special interest groups throughout the nation are a 'Million Blind Cashier's March', a 'Million White Men Over 65 Who Stutter March', and a 'Million
Teens Of Any Sex With Acne March'.
     Mandela quoted American abolitionist Fabricator Truth's observation that "if the first woman God ever created was capable of condemning the entire human race to hell, all alone, then 125,016 black women, with
attitudes, surely can unite to undo the damage."   Marchers carried banners and signs. One read, "I am one in a hundred thousand."
     "After today, we will never be the same," Waters said. "America, please be placed on notice. We know who we are. We know who you are.  We know what kind of power we have. We will act on that power.  This is not a promise, this is a threat."

Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)

SuBBrilliant Reporter In Standoff With Police

30th October, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
(WEST POINT, CALIFORNIA)  To neighbors, 74-year-old Barney Rothchilds is thegrizzled, unshaven local character who sometimes rambles on and on about alien invaders, or leaps from ditches wearing only his Richard Simmons T-Shirt to surprise and shock passersby.  Outside this mountain community, he is known as Tom Dark, aka 'Snippy', alias Herb Cappings, roving reporter and 16 time Putzleter Prize nominated columnist for the internet's SuBBrilliant News.
     When sheriff's deputies were sent to detain him for a court-ordered psychiatric exam, Dark took up his potato launcher and threatened to 'spud all you nefarious cretins in the ass.'   In a standoff that has gone on for a 6 days now, he has fended off a tear gas attack by slathering peanut butter and jelly over his entire body, withstood bean bag bullets by wearing a suit constructed of seat covers, and seemingly ignored the Michael Bolton songs blared through loudspeakers around the clock.  Dark, known to keep goats at his ranch for unspecified reasons, then subsequently threatened to "spud" them too if anyone again attempted to approached his house.
Officials backed off once kids were mentioned.
     Now, the journalist and classical kazooist is in the national spotlight, the darling of right-wing Libertarian groups who feel he is the latest example -- after Ruby Ridge, Waco and Roby -- of self-righteous lunatics not wandering homeless in the streets being bullied by overzealous law enforcement agencies.
     The standoff began with a court order obtained by co-workers at SuBBrilliant News, who had begun to worry about his increasingly bizarre columns, and his chronic depression and paranoia since he was sued two weeks
ago by his associate Tyrone Dye.  SuBBrilliant Publisher and Editor Doris Peepoles, aka Ace Dtect, cited the contents of a recent un-published 'Snippy' column as an example of what they believe is disturbing:  "Every
time I went to the bathroom I was followed.  In several other restaurants, I got the same treatment.  All the urinals were stalking me" the journalist wrote in the 43-page column.  The last 34 pages consisted of nothing more
than a repetitive "All work and no play makes Snippy a dull boy."  Editors are refering to Dark's dreary expose` as his 'SuBManifesto'.
     Dark holed up in his home in West Point, about 50 miles East of Sacramento, after telling sheriff's deputies to, "get off my spaceship you gaseous lower Illuminati echelons!"   He then fired his illegal potato launcher at officers, with no injuries. The next blast came after troopers had his phone line disconnected, taking away his internet access and ability to send articles to SuBBrilliant before press deadlines.  When his eleven loyal fans and the ACLU threatened to file suit over freedom of speech issues, Dark's phone and power were returned to him.  Whether he will be submitting a news feature about his own plight, or is capable of writing coherently at all, is still unknown at this time.
     Weary police speculate that Dark, a former messiah and an avid canner, has enough food in his cupboards to last several more decades.  Dark's wife Justine, a licensed Holistic Accountant who has been out of town for 13 months defending a client in tax court,  issued a statement this week expressing support for her spouse and saying "He calls me a gaseous lower Illuminati echelon all the time too, whatever the hell that is.  He sports a
home made tin foil hat on his wrinkled old bald head.  I think the cops are outnumbered.  I would have had him committed years ago myself...if he wasn't so damn cute."
     Some observers claim that SuBBrilliant News, subsidiary of Ace DeTECHtion Media, have been attempting to distance themselves professionally from Dark.  Both have been sued by Dye, and the Newspaper may be attempting to place all the blame, and liability, on the controversial and temperamental Dark.   Said close friend and co-worker Della Babbell, "Tommy has been irrational for awhile now.  No one, not even a former messiah, is immune to the stress caused from a lawsuit.  Don't let his picture fool you,  it was taken 41 years ago when he was hired.  Tommy's very vague and secretive about his age and his past.  He says he's 74, but I think he is much older. The boss hasn't had the balls to fire him, he's like a fixture around here."   Many speculate that Dark has incriminating pictures of Publisher Doris Peepoles, accounting for her reluctance to terminate him.
     As the standoff drags on, sympathies for Dark from his neighbors has increased.   Last week, about eleven protesters gathered in the county seat to demand police leave Dark alone. Many said it was inhumane for  deputies to cut off his water and power, particularly as temperatures were dropping below freezing and the World Series was on TV.  A legal defense fund has been set up. A West Point resident paid Dark's property tax.  A woman was arrested after she sneaked past police barriers and tried to sprint to Dark's door with a baggy of marijuana and some Oreo cookies.  She was struck by a well aimed Idaho Potato fired from Dark's encampment, then was air lifted to safety by a National Guard helicopter.
     County Sheriff Dennis Downum defends his decision to wait Dark out.  He insists that the dozens of deputies, ASPCA officials and hidden tactical agents who rotate duty on the 24-hour watch -- at a cost to the county of
almost $500,000 so far -- will stay at it until the stalemate ends.   Downum conceded that the waiting game and the criticism are frustrating. But he said county mental health experts have assured him that this is the best way
to bring the situation to a peaceful end.   "We are not in this man's face. We are there for his protection and for the protection of all citizens of the United States of America.  He is potentially a very dangerous man, whether is he armed with a potato launcher and word processor or not."

Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)

Social Security?  Funny?

30th October, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed Click Here to return to Front Page©1997 Vikki Reed, All Rights Reserved.
.

OK, When I was a kid, I thought social security meant people didn't hock in your lunchbox when you weren't looking.  I thought it meant you got picked early for sports teams.

Then I became a teenager and got a social security card.  I thought nothing of it, but now I fear that The Social Security Number is the governments way of saying:  "I'm still here!  Hi!"

When the "Logans Run" scenario comes to being, and everyone 30 or over is executed;  they're gonna use the Social Security Numbers to find us.  Pretty soon getting carded for booze is gonna seem pretty trite.  ID? Sure!  As long as you don't EXECUTE ME!

I met a rather insistent man once who swore that the entire world was ruled by the mysterious Three Banks of England, he said that the IRS, a privatized out-fit, was owned and run by The Three Banks.  He knew a way to break from the Big Brother tyranny by eliminating your Social Security Number from the system.  It took a long time, was highly illegal;   very dangerous because you are violating laws within and outside our government.  He said he had a home in Pennsylvania, in the mountains, he's gearing-up, armed, generators, supplies, black market, a network of people that will be part of a major uprising that will overthrow the Government of The United States of America for the final time...by the people for the people...two years ago.  I waited for the appointed date and nothing happened.  Perhaps I should've taken his tale with a grain of salt, we were after all both mental patients at a Christian Therapy Hospital.  He was in for the third time, this time, he and his wife pointed shot-guns at each other and just missed from 15 feet apart.
 

It's wierd to focus on the elderly in the discussion of Social Security, because there are a lot classifications of people that take SSI and SSA related benefits. The elderly fight for what they've earned, and the other beneficiaries ride a lot of their steam.

It's really odd because to say that the elderly shouldn't get something is to beleive that you will be exempt from that classification some day.  Unless you're very unlikely, you too one day will no longer be checking off the box in the standard forms that reads:  28-40 years of age.  At some point, believe it or not, you too will be checking off 60-Up years of age.  You will likely have to put your bi-focal glasses on to do it.

Social Security is also Welfare, Medicaid, AFDC, & Disability.
Primarily: EVERYBODY who might be:  retired, disabled, abandoned, widowed, survived, pregnant, maladaptive, or incapacitated.

In 1996, the benefit distribution pie gave thusly:

%62-Retired
%10.2-Disabled
%8.5-Kids
%7.2-Wives & Husbands
%2.2-widows/parents/dependants
(unknown quantity of those numbers are people who stole someone else's social security number off of the internet or from the US Mail.)

That means if you're in a group of 100 people, there's at least 60 people you can borrow money from!

It also means if you're over 62 and retired you can expect an average monthly check of a mere $745 from SSI.  If you're Paul Newman you can expect an average monthly check of $550,745 from your accountant and SSI.

The first person to receive any SS benefits was Ernest Ackerman, Jan 1st, 1936;  he received 17 whopping cents.  Ernest had another first that day, by becoming the first man to beat himself to death with three cups of coffee (all that he could buy with 17 cents).

The first monthly benefit went to Ida May Fuller in 1940-that parasite leeched off of social security until 1975, when she died at the age of one hundred.
The previous line was written by Satan, of course.

If you used to collect SS or SSI or AFDC because of a drug or alcohol problem, you can't anymore.
As of Jan. 1997, a lot of addicted people were forced upon the employment world.  You should know about some things before you mistakenly hire someone who's really not ready to work yet.

How can you tell if you hired an addict forced into the job world:

Does your employee have a tendency to drop typewriters?
Do you find that expensive copy machines are disappearing?
Are you ordering seven times as much coffee as you used to for the office?
Have any employees petitioned for a 'smoking section' at the office?
Have any of your new hires used up all of their sick days within the first week of their employment?

Do I think Clint Eastwood can sleep at night for collecting Social Security?  Sure he can.
Is it right?  I'll tell him you said that.
But you know what happened?  Two words:  SONDRA LOCKE.

Is it right that Bob Hope, who fights to keep himself out of the Fortune 500 because he doesn't want anyone to know how rich he really is-that Bob Hope should be getting Social Security checks?
Probably not.  But-he's outlived almost everyone he's ever known except Milton Berle.
Just Uncle Miltie and Ski Nose playing down that last hand of poker.
I'LL BET YOU TWELVE MONTHS OF SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS!
GIN! (HEART ATTACK!)

Some people don't need the money and some people are so evil they don't deserve support.  If you can afford to have an accountant on retainer, you shouldn't be collecting.

If you're an adult who can't change your own diaper...I say..take  the $700 bucks, pay someone to clean it up...

I think as long as you look 62, you should be able to collect.  I mean if you're younger than 62 but look 62...YOU DESERVE THE EARLY RETIREMENT.
If I were 45 and looked like Carol Channing or Shelly Winters...I would just buy like $735 worth of black hooded capes every month.

Someone like Jack LaLanne, should have to work for his retirement checks.  Like, pull a car with his teeth;  $100 per car.

Some people must retire from the limelight forever, in return for their benefits, like:
Rush Limbaugh
Helen Gurley Brown
Cindy and Joey Adams
Geraldo Rivera, and he's not allowed to give a televised goodbye speech to his audience when he retires!
Oprah Winfrey, she already talks like an Alzheimer's patient:  what's your favorite dream? I like chocolate, that book is good....
Chuck Norris, he has to kick himself in head before he retires, go out with a bang!
SHIT KICKIN MACHO TV GUY KICKS SELF IN HEAD!  END OF CAREER!
Mariah Carey, I know, don't hold my breath!  I just hope she's mid-note when she turns 62...DOOOEEEEEE-
All local television news anchors.
David Miskavitch of  The Church of Scientology.
Bette Midler...oh, I've had quite enough of her thank you.
Liza, with and without a Z.
Bruce Jenner, if he hasn't surgically removed his entire face by then.
Rev. Al Sharpton, he's like the Show Model on the lot,if you ask me-he wants to be Mayor of New York, and he still pronounces 'ask' like 'axe!'

Social Security is like the ultimate PYRAMID GAME.  We're all playing, but the people at the top of the pyramid have stronger political lobbyists.

No, we can't deny the old something like Social Security.  We don't have a working system of checks to reasonably guarantee rightful payment.

Remember, those elderly with fat pensions who collect will get their karma in the end, they're not old...THEY'RE JUST OLD-ER THAN US.

Jesus Gomez Cross Watch:  Day One

 30th October, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
 
   (Bethlehem, Colombia) At 6AM this morning, drug lord Jesus Gomez got high the hard way as he was lifted and nailed to a cross by armed guards in the Bethlehem Town Square.  When the first nail was pounded through his opened palm, a muffled "Ow" could be heard.  With the impalement completed, Gomez hung stripped of his clothing and his dignity, resigned to his fate, shaking his long hair in attempts to shoo away the congregating flies from his face.
     In June 1996, after an intensive world wide manhunt, Gomez was eventually captured in a rain forest near Cabo Diablo.  Then finally, just two days ago, he was convicted of animal cruelty, specifically, drowning a herd of swine in the sea, and sentenced to crucifixion.  The Government's allegations of drug manufacturing and trafficking never could be proven.
     His long hoped for pardon from Colombian President Ferdinand Cali never came.  Cali, himself the target of a probe into drug trafficking, appeared to not want to draw more attention to himself.
     His mother Mary, and a handful of fans, addicts and old girlfriends were present.  At one point, obviously fatigued and with his optimism waning, he looked into his Mother's eyes and said, "Woman, behold thy Son. Are you fucking happy now?"
     Since Gomez embarked on his life of crime, his mother had never been supportive of his illegal activities and claims to philanthropy.  "I tole heem, better to be poor than a creeminal.  Playing at being Robin Hood would be one thing, but nooooo, he wants to be Scarface.  I blame hees father, that deadbeat preek."  Jose` Gomez  abandoned his 4 sons and 2 daughters when Jesus, the eldest, was 6 years old.
     At one point, a moody and frustrated Jesus chastised mourners wailing at the foot of his crucifix: "My name is JEE-ZUS, not 'HEY-SOOS'!  What?  I look like a damn Mexican to you?"  He attempted to spit on them, but didn't have the strength.
     Singer Elton John was on hand, serenading Gomez with his #3 Billboard hit, 'Goodbye, Cocaine's Rose'.  When asked what he was working on now, John replied, "I am saddened by the tragic loss of rock icon and pioneer John Denver.  Soon as I leave 'ere, I moost find a nice quiet place to finish writing a new song."  The working title is 'Goodbye, Country Roads'.   "It's a work still in progress", he said, then sang a few bars, "No more country roods to take 'im 'ome, he's 'igher than the Rocky Moontains, cruising with Jascque Cousteau in that big Calypso in the sky."
     Columbian execution customs require that the guilty hang for a full 24 hours, and if they survive the torture and ridicule, they are forgiven and released, with their criminal records expunged.  To date, only one other person has survived the humiliating crucifixion ordeal, none other than President Cali himself.  Cali had no comment and refused to answer any questions.
      "No comment" said Cali.
 

Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)
 

 Cub Reporter Files Multi-Billion Dollar Lawsuit against SuBBrilliant News

 21st October, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
 
  (AUSTIN, TEXAS)   Irving Glutealette, aka Tyrone Dye (aka Tyedye), Cub Reporter and Spiritual Advisor for the 'SuBBrilliant News', has filed a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against grizzled, unshaven veteran reporter and
columnist Barney Rothchilds, aka Tom Dark (aka Snippy) alias Herb Cappings, and their employer,SuBBrilliant News, subsidiary of Ace DeTECHtion Media.
     In an article published by the popular on-line newspaper two weeks ago, it was reported that death threats against Tom Dark were alleged to have come from only two possible sources, both named in the article.   One of the suspects,  one Lawrence Bybee, aka Rasputin, had the opportunity to deny the charges in a written response published by SuBBrilliant last week. This week SuBBrilliant prints an official correction and semi-apology to Bybee.
     But based upon Dark's crack cocaine induced paranoid delusions and frivolous, reckless, un-substantiated allegations, the Travis County Sheriff's Office hunted down Glutealette through his E-Mail address.  With the help of heavily armed and motivated TABC (Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commision) Storm Troopers, they raided the 20' travel trailer parked at 'Abner's KOA Kamp', which Glutealette and his family of six call home. Deputies discovered a pair of bloody gloves and a
pair of ugly-ass shoes, which were carefully inserted into sterile Hefty Evidence Bags.  Glutealette was placed under arrest, strip searched and licked by Canine Officers in full view of his children and neighbors. Glutealette also complained that he was goosed repeatedly with a 'Tidy Bowl' brush handle while being escorted to a squad car.
     Glutealette explained that his gloves were bloodied while he was drinking hot cocoa, when the AFT rammed through his door without warning he broke the glass with his hand.  As for the shoes, he claims that if poor
fashion sense were illegal, he'd be in jail with the likes of Madonna, Robin Williams and every homeless bum on the street.
    He was released from custody nine days after his arrest when he sold his children's rock collection and posted the $248.06 bail.  The charges of making terrorist threats via coded E-Mail not in the possession of a U.S. Government Agency were dropped yesterday, after an FBI spelling analyst determined that Glutealette could not spell "die, m_therf_cker, die!"
     "We had to be sure he was illiterate and therefore harmless", said Special Agent Cecil Marchini, "He could have possibly conspired with an Elementary School Graduate when he sent the E-Mail messages, but even that
would be a stretch of the imagination."
    In his 2 billion dollar lawsuit, Glutealette is alleging libel by Tom Dark etal and Ace DeTECHtion Media, along with civil and anal rights violations by the Travis County Sheriff's Department and the ATF.  Said Glutealette's attorney, Jimmy Joe Pickens of San Angelo, "SuBBrilliant News is the most widely read and respected newspaper in the world.  We have no doubt that millions and millions of people already believe Irving
Glutealette, aka Tyrone Dye (aka Tyedye) was threatening to kill Mr. Dark, based solely on the published and long-winded egocentric rantings of Tom Dark .   My client's reputation has been irreparably damaged."
     Both law enforcement agencies have already settled out of court. But due to a secrecy agreement, details of the terms are not available.  If it is any indication, we have confirmed that Mr. Glutealette has recently moved
into a 25' travel trailer five spaces away from his old one, a prime lot much nearer to the Laundry Room.  "My client has suffered terribly at the hands of irresponsible journalists.  Besides a general loss of self-esteem,
his E-Mail server was clogged with an estimated 22,500 pieces of fan mail supporting his alleged threats against Mr. Dark and offering legal advice on how to get away with his murder."
     SuBBrilliant Publisher and Editor Doris Peepoles, aka Ace Dtect, would only say that their corporate attorneys are looking into the matter; "Just figuring out who is who with all the damn pseudo-names has taken our lawyers two weeks.  Our payroll is a mess.  We've probably been sending three or four  paychecks a week to each staffer.  No wonder the paper is in the red. I mean embarrased, not broke."
      But Jimmy Joe Pickens is a seasoned attorney, and is not rebuked by the sudden and predictable 'cry poor' corporate tactics, "While we admire SuBBrilliant Editors for printing news that might adversely affect them
financially, they have done a dis-service to their readers and stock holders by allowing Tom Dark to intimidate government officials and public opinion by waggling his innuendos and hurling his flamboyant uppity alien vocabulary at them.  We demand a retraction by SuBBrilliant, and an apology from Mr. Dark.  Oh, yes, and two billion dollars."
     In this objective reporters humble opinion, Mr. Glutealette should get every penny.

                                Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.

Lust of The Heart Lowers Cholesterol Ends Career

22nd October, 1997 Submitted by Rev. Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)    Click Here to return to Front Page
(LARGO, FLORIDA)  The founder of the Christian Television Network (CTN) resigned from the board of directors after it was disclosed that a secret payment was made to a secretary with whom he had an "affair of the heart".
     Robert D'Andrea submitted his resignation Wednesday, five days after a lawsuit filed on behalf of CTN donors and shareholders claimed network money was used to pay a fantasy whore.  "He didn't want his continued involvement as a board member to be any reproach to the ministry he loves and has now totally humiliated," said spokesman and Board Chairman David Gibbs III.
     Gibbs added that a personal payment made by D'Andrea would have been fine, with the only repercussions then between D'Andrea and God.  "But using network monies that are earmarked only for promoting the gospel of Jesus Christ our savior was totally un-acceptable".  CTN owns five TV stations in Florida and Tennessee. Its flagship is WCLF in Largo.  The lawsuit also alleges gross financial mismanagement and perverse misuse of  network funds.
     Gibbs said D'Andrea, who is married, had "an affair of the heart" with an employee that led to the payment.  Gibbs denied that any physical contact was ever made between the two. In fact, he denies they were ever in the same room alone together.  It was not even clear at press time whether D'Andrea was even accused of touching himself, or if he was exclusively using his imagination.  Gibbs declined further comment, saying the payment was accompanied by a secretary secrecy clause.
    Supporters of Gibbs point to a lowered cholesterol level in recent medical examinations as proof that lust of the heart can be beneficial.  Those supporters, however, are drawn mainly from Multiatheist cells, suspected of trying to convert evangelists to their new areligious organisation.
     Jezebel Pokey, claimed she had photographs of D'Andrea lusting in his heart after her, while he was dressed in a black flannel Teddy and watching a 700 Club broadcast on a different network. However, a 'secretary secrecy clause', will prevent the truth from ever surfacing.  Ms. Pokey has recently retired to a Villa in the South of France, and could not be reached for comment.
     The Reverend Jim Bakker reflected, "This sad event further proves that your heart, left un-disciplined and un-supervised by Jesus, can destroy you with it's lustful tendencies.  Lusting in the heart is as sinful as actually
making physical contact.  Robert might as well have gotten his sin's worth and groped the harlot.  But I must admit that getting her pregnant and compounding the sin is less of a risk this way".
     There has been a huge increase of heart lustings reported over the past twenty years among men in powerful positions, beginning with President Jimmy Carter.  Morality observers have speculated that it may be due to all the young, attractive women graduating from secretary school taking advantage of all the high paying extortion opportunities available in our sexually repressive business climate.  Still others go further, blaming the El Nino weather phenomenon for the weak moral climate.
     D'Andrea has committed himself into Sleepy Cubits Sanitarium, a Christian retreat, for a complete and comprehensive re-programming. His wife Hillary said, "Robert has been under a lot of stress and very confused
because of this ordeal.  His faith in god has suffered.  That harlot Jezebel lured him like a hungry fish by baiting him and flaunting her adornments and braided hair".
     The Reverend Jimmy Swaggart has proposed an amendment to network hiring policies and the Holy Bible, calling for the employment of only old, wrinkled lesbians with leprosy, in order to curb executive's many opportunities and temptations to lust in their hearts.

Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)
 

Accountant Sues US Government For Fraud

Wants 30 Day return Policy Honoured

21st October. 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect  click here to return to front page ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
(CHEYENNE, WYOMING) An accountant here in the high mountains of Wyoming is bringing suit against the US government for failure to accept a 30 day return policy.
    Karol Wojokrweski (WOOP-ehts) demands to have his vote for Senator returned to him.  Wojokrweski asked the Federal Election Commision (FEC) to have his vote returned to him as he was dissatisfied with the product.  The FEC refused to return Wojokrweski's phone calls or certified letters, after which he contacted the Better Business Bureau which has placed the US government on its list of companies involved in bad business practices.
    Now, with the coming of new legislation regarding suits against the IRS, Wojokrweski has decided to sue the FEC and the US Government over fraudulent business practices and failure to honour contract.
    "I didn't want to go this far," said Wojokrweski, "but they refused to hear my plea or even attempt to come to an amicable arrangement.  So we'll allow the courts to decide."
    Wojokrweski's attorney, Fran Lutz, says that he has suffered irreparable damage to his sense of patriotism and participation in democracy and will ask for $2 million in damages as well as a lifetime ticket on Air Force One.
    Attorney General Janet Reno said in a press conference, "He hasno case. And I'm really busy trying to dig up dirt on Bill Gates.  Please leave me alone."
    In the meantime the court has ordered Mr. Wojokrweski's vote to be held in escrow under the supervision of the courts until the case is decided.

California Assembly Passes Princess Di  Bill

13th October, 1997 Submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)    Click Here to return to Front Page
     (Sacramento, California)The death of Princess Diana of Wales has had far reaching effects.
After seeing a photograph of Di's broken, bloody face and head in a West
German Magazine, California Legislator Shepard 'Shep' Gehrke (D-San Andreas)
was inspired.  He sponsored and spearheaded Assembly Bill 25456, which
requires the mandatory wearing of federally approved helmets in all private
transportation vehicles.  Alvarez saw his dream become a reality today when
Governor Pete Wilson signed the Bill into law.
     Knee and elbow pads will remain optional equipment.  Public
transportation, including airplanes, subways and buses are exempted, for now.
     "More than 40,000 people die annually in automobile crashes, and 60
percent of them are not wearing seat belts or child restraints", stated
Wilson,  "Statistics show that the number one cause of death of passengers
in an automobile, even when using seat belts and\or air bags, is from head
trauma."       Every year seat belts alone save about 9,500 lives
nationwide, the government estimates.   Seat belts AND air bags save another
4,000 lives.  Government Officials guess that with the utilization of seat
belts, air bags, AND federally approved helmets, approximately 38,012 lives
would be saved annually.
     The insurance industry has cheered the legislation, saying it will keep
medical costs down.  When asked if premium rates would drop to reflect on
their savings, State Insurance Commissioner Antonio Gotti said, "Get that
damn camera out of my face."
     Lobbyists for the Helmet Manufacturers Association also endorsed the
legislation, saying "It makes perfect sense, at some point the government
must step in and protect citizens from their own vulnerability."  Helmet
manufacturers estimate gross sales to exceed 10 billion dollars over the
next 3 quarters.
     Even the Federal Government has stepped in.  After a recommendation
from the NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board), Congress has sent the
message to all states that if they do not adopt the same legislation,
Federal highway subsidies will be lost.  "Far too many of these tragedies
could be prevented," President Clinton said in a videotaped message
broadcast to his 28 supporters around the nation.  "Every life and dollar
saved is sacred", echoed U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond (A-BibleBelt).
      The strategy for enforcing helmet usage will hinge on changing
societal attitudes and imposing stiff fines and jail sentences on violators.
Officials say riding unhelmeted in automobiles and trucks must become
unacceptable in America, much like smoking indoors and Afro hairstyles now
are today.
     Critics claim that wearing helmets decreases visibility, which may lead
to more accidents.  "Motorcyclists tried that argument on us years ago, and
look at how many leather-clad dope-smuggling bikers we have saved despite
themselves", said Thurmond,  "Air bags kill about 6 children a year, but you
don't see us yanking them out of cars, do you?"
     In a written statement, Consumer Advocate and part time presidential
nominee Ralph Nadar said, "Everyone else wears helmets.  Fighter Pilots,
Astronauts, skateboarders, skydivers, motorcyclists.  If helmets are
mandatory to protect these thrill seekers and save billions of dollars in
medical costs to the taxpayers and insurance industry, why should auto
passengers, who are participating in an inherently unsafe and high risk
activity, be exempt?  Consumer safety is the issue here.  30,000 people
every year are injured when they slip in their tubs and showers.  If I could
require them to wear helmets, I would."
     Said AB-25456 supporter Elton John triumphantly, "If England's Rose had
been wearing a federally approved helmet, she probably would have survived."
That, in this reporters objective opinion, says it all.
 

Reporter Responds To Death Threats

13th October, 1997 submitted by Rusputin.click here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
Dear sir:

I wish to address the use of my name, e-mail address and psuedonym in
your alleged "News Service" in connection with a number of threats of
violence and/or possible death to the most illustrious Mr. Dark.

I wish you to know Mr. Dtect, that I have no intention of addressing Mr.
Dark in any manner at all, much less to take the time to painstakingly
plot out various ways of eliminating him and disposing of the corpse in
a manner that would lead everyone EVEN the Travis County Sheriff's
Deputies, to believe that it was an "accident". Nor would I finally
settle upon a plan that would utilize Mr. Dark's habits of "Subtle
Inebriation", and ultimately leave his broken, mangled carcass in a
twisted, burning hulk of metal at the bottom of a high precipice, with
no evidence whatsoever that his demise was nothing other than a night of
binge drinking gone bad. I would not even, for the sake of hypothetical
argument, fill the pockets of several close friends to insure that
(should any investigation point in my direction) several honest, law
abiding citizens would swear that I was nowhere near Mr. Dark on the
night in question, even IF that night happened to be the Fifteenth of
October, in the year Nineteen Niety-Seven.

So you see, My Dear Mr. Detect, I have not spent even the slightest bit
of mental energy contemplating the senseless harrassment of Mr. Dark,
and I urge you to do the same in regards to these ludicrous chrages
against me. Thank you.

With the utmost sincerity,

Lawrence Bybee, "Rusputin"

P.S. You're next.

Seattle Weatherman Forecasts Doom

13th October, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
    ( Seattle, Washington) Noah Doolittle, a popular TV meteorologist for KOMO News in Seattle,
has taken an official leave of absence from the network after just
completing the construction of a very large boat at his rural Seattle
property in his spare time.  During a drug induced vision while recuperating
from boil surgery early last year, he claims God informed him that another
great flood was on the horizon, now scheduled for next week.
     Measuring 500' long by 85'wide and 5 stories high....the ark is
expected to house an estimated 166,767,676 mammals, insects, birds,
reptiles, and other species which inhabit the earths surface.
     With approximately 3,500 animals already living aboard, and another
166,764,176 anticipated within the remaining week, the County Health
Department and A.S.P.C.A. have condemned the project: finding unsanitary
conditions such as overcrowding, underfeeding, cannibalism, rat feces in the
food supply, and food preparers forgetting to wash their hands after using
the restroom, among other things.  The condemnation is under appeal by
Doolittle and his family, and will be heard by a court next Thursday.  Said
a frustrated Doolittle, "We intend to proceed with or without the blessings
of local government and\or faithless critics. Now, I'm a little pressed for
time, so if you'll excuse me."
     Marine engineers who have inspected the craft at the request of the
Building Department have claimed it is not seaworthy.  Said shipbuilder
Sinbad Argonaut, "filled to capacity, this 'ark' will sink faster than a
stuffed pig planted in cement."
     Incredulous neighbors and giggling gawkers gather around day and night,
laughing at Doolittle's ark and the entertaining antics of the animals.
     Doolittle's 3 sons, Ham, Shemp and Mo, along with their wives are
currently spread out in Asia, Australia and Africa on safari capturing
animals.  "Two of each unclean animal is no problem, but capturing the clean
ones by sevens are proving to be a technical and logistical nightmare," said
Noah's wife Helen.
     In return for a 1st class ticket aboard the ark, wealthy philanthropist
and Internet 'Zine publisher wannabe Ted Turner has donated 1 billion
dollars towards the purchase of feed for the people and animals who will
make the voyage.  With estimates running as high as 5 months for the length
of the cruise, Turner has stated, "that's alot of carrion and alfalfa ya'll!"
    The Pope and other religious leaders have jointly denounced the
authenticity of Doolittle's vision, saying that god specifically mentions
destroying the earth by fire next time.  Said the Reverend Dr. Robert
Schuller, "Noah is a fanatic false prophet suffering from paranoid
absolutions".   But Doolittle defends himself saying, "This flood is not
meant to destroy the earth or mankind, it is more of a 'spring cleaning', if
you know what I mean.  Thanks to El Nino, there is a storm on the horizon...
a big'n, and I intend on surviving it and saving all the creeping things
that creepeth that I can."
     The National Weather Service is forcasting scattered clouds, with a
probable chance of rain next week.

Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)
 

Multiatheists Promote New Atheology

 
13th October, 1997 submitted by Ace Dtect Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
      A new religion is not noteworthy anymore as the world average hovers 5 a day.  But very few ANTI-religions have come along since the monolithic power of atheism.  One man, Dr. Bravid Correlia hopes to change all that.  He's the leader of a small group in Encino, California known as Multiatheists.
    "Atheism rejects only one God, an angry God, a jealous God.  We reject a whole pantheon of Gods.  We actively resist worshipping everyone from Shiva, to Buddah to Zeus.  Even Gods like Baal, who hasn't been worshipped in centuries are in our panatheon.  We don't believe in 'em none of 'em.  We even refuse to believe in Madeline Murray O'Hare," said Correlia at a press conference.
    The new Multiatheists are growing at a surprising rate of 10 new members a day, nearly twice the rate of growth of the Catholic church.
    "I was never an atheist because I didn't believe in the teachings of Buddah or Shiva which they don't cover," said new multiatheist Sandy Jenson. "But now I've found an afaith I can really throw myself into.  I don't have to believe in anything.  even myself!"
    Dr. Correlia was thrown out of seminary and a cultural studies program before heading to Encino to form his church in 1996.
    "I found that my setbacks shouldn't shake me at the core.  I shouldn't try to fall back on some belief in something.  So I took the only road laid before me.  I was inspired -- by nothing in particular of course.  Just some kind of biological response."
    The first Multiatheist Convention, 'You just gotta not believe' will be held Nov. 8th through the 16th at the Cervantes Convention Center in St. Louis, Missouri.

Remembering Velcro

The amazing adventures of a pitiful puss.

8th October, 1997, Submitted by Viki Reed Click Here to return to Front Page©1997 Vikki Reed, All Rights Reserved.
Velcro died in 1989.  He was no ordinary cat.  He died at a ripe-old age, carrying the burden of disabilities that most of us could never live-with.

When Velcro was born, under my bed, along with six other kittens, he was adorable.  The runt.   You should always keep, the runt.  He was gray, with yellow eyes and white cheeks, and feet.  He had extra toes, as did most of our in-bred cats.  He was playful.   I was still in school.

I had never had kittens before, even though we had always had kittens and cats.  Usually my eldest brother, Willie, was The Master of the Cats.  All of the household cats that weren't loners or retarded followed The Master.  Possibly because he got them all addicted to his saliva and phlegm, which he doused them-with daily.  But these six kittens were my charges.

Within two weeks of the litter's birth, I had done something that made me never want the responsibility of pet-ownership again.

I was doing my teenage-obsessive routine of floor-exercises straight out of Mademoiselle Magazine.  First girly push-ups, then girly sit-ups, then stretching, then...peddling the bicycle.  To do this exercise you must prop your hiney and legs up in the air.  You stare at your knees and peddle your feet in the air.

I lowered my hiney to take a break, and I heard a sickening crunch.  Like a pomegranate with a crunchy shell.  Ooh...it gives me chills to recall that sound, and that feeling that something was underneath me.  It was Velcro.  You must understand, Velcro hadn't gained his name as yet.  That's right, he lived.

I ran downstairs frantic, devastated, telling my mother to hurry-up, take the kitten to a vet and put it out of it's misery.  Or for one of my brothers to get a 22 caliber rifle and 'do-it' quickly.  Mom looked at the cat, which was spinning from the pivot of his head. His eyes closed, his little legs sort of flailing.  She wrapped him up, took him to a vet.  When she returned, she still had Velcro.  Maybe mom thought I would be seriously damaged if the cat died because of me.  Maybe she was just OUT OF HER MIND, but she and the vet thought the little guy had a good chance of surviving.  If that's what you want to call it.

"Well, he definitely has nerve damage, and we're pretty sure he's not paralyzed, but you broke his hind leg and tail and it we won't know all of the permanent damage until he gets a little older."

Of course I was no longer in charge of the other kittens, I wanted no reminders, and I was worried that the others wouldn't trust me anyway.  (As if they had any thoughts other than excretion, urination and scampering).  I made mom take care of him, I couldn't bear it.  I was pissed that she was going to put this creature through a life of obstacles.  She had no idea what Velcro's life would be like.  None of us could've imagined.

He got bigger, I didn't notice right away because it was too hard for me to look at the cat and hear that 'crunching noise'.
But one day I noticed the little fella wasn't bandaged-up, and he was getting around on the floor.  He kind of exuded a kind of 'happy-ignorant' energy.

Yes, he was walking, but it was a strange kind of a walk.  His rear left leg had healed into a straight line, acting as something of an unintentional pole-vault.  His tail was healed into a right angle, which intensified as his tail became a necessary 'rudder/tripod-leg'.  His tail eventually grew to be as thick as his legs.

Because I had crushed his head, the little guy had some intensive nerve damage up there.  I squished his voice-box and he could not meow like other cats.  He more or less emitted a strange croak that you had to be listening-for or you'd miss it.  He did purr like a demon thankfully.  One sign that he might be in hell but too stupid to know it.

His pupils dilated and contracted randomly.  I don't know what nerve you have to destroy to cause that, but I apparently struck a geyser.  I will always remember how closely the image of his pupils (enlarging to black then shrinking to slits in front of your eyes) resembled a psilocybin trip.

He didn't seem to know-why or care that he was hilariously out-of-synch.  I also destroyed his ability to control his claws.  He randomly extended and withdrew them.  This is where the cat becomes The Legend.  One night my younger brothers realized that once the little fella had gripped onto something, he didn't and couldn't let go.  He wasn't one of those cats that could land on it's feet every time, and he seemed to know this.

You may ask:  Why the hell were they throwing a cat, much less a crippled cat-and no one stopped this?!!!   It's like this:  my brothers had this hobby of tormenting the cats for a laugh;  I stood-by and laughed and put a halt to things when it got too out of control.  You may wonder what I did deem as out of control.  Among the fun things we discovered:

1.      An ordinary bed-sheet and a cat make for a fun game of "Big-Top Kitty!"  As long as you can keep the cat in the air, you are guaranteed a good time.
2.      Practicing the distance, range, accuracy, and power of your goobers and spitballs on the cats is exciting.  There is nothing like practicing on a moving target.  Remember, cats are finicky creatures, the only saliva or mucus they're into, is their own, unless The  Master gets them hooked on his.
3.      Rubber-bands and all kinds of tape are fabulous fun because there are so many ways to use them on cats.  Rubber-bands around the ears, the tail, the legs...well, what you're doing is creating new Kitty-Dances.  As distinct as The Hustle is from The Bus-Stop and The Nasty;  placement of the rubber band always results in specific moves.
Tape, well if you've never seen a cat back-up straight forever, you've never put tape on the pads of a cat's feet.  If you only put tape on one leg, or just the tail, you have more of a funny-twitch than a dance.
4.      You can spin a cat around by it's tail and not hurt or kill it.
5.      It is possible for a cat to exhaust itself by licking.  We had a cat that cleaned itself incessantly, and had bad breath.  We decided to cover him with melted butter.  Real butter, not that "I Can't Believe-It!" shit.  Putting it on was almost too much fun.  But watching the cat decide where to start licking, and realizing that as much as he cleans, 'Oh, shit!, there's more on me!'  For days, you look over at this cat and it is still cleaning, gee, his tongue must hurt...yeah, I know, isn't it a riot?
6.      Tossing cats is more enjoyable than you'd imagine.  Of course, you must have some aim and skill as a tosser.  You can't just randomly fling a cat.  You have to aim it at something it can grab onto or land on.  You kind of lob it like a softball.  I didn't enjoy this, but my brothers always liked watching the cats make this: "OOOHHHHSSHITTTTT!  I'm either gonna claw you or run when I hit the ground!"

Well, my brothers flung Velcro one night.  He stuck on the edge of a couch.  He really stuck.  He hung there, straining his neck, freaking eyes exploding like cartoons, tail maneuvering to maintain position, and with a crippled clutch into the fabric of the furniture.  Light-bulbs went off in everyone's head:  HIS NAME IS VELCRO!!!

Of course, they needed to test the theorem before officially naming him.  Every time it worked.  They threw him on my brother's back.  One-Hundred Percent Cotton and one-hundred percent human flesh make for a good grip.  Velcro it was.

Velcro scampered happily, so to speak for years.  There was no end to Velcro's sight-gags.  He could not go to the bathroom like other cats.  Generally, he fell over in the litter box while taking a dump or peeing on himself.  Forget covering-up his mess with litter, he was the mess.  He had no problem covering the floor with litter, however because he had to fling his whole body out of the box to get out.   He became a regular Kitty Stuntman.  As I mentioned before, his rear leg was literally a pole-vault.  Velcro didn't like to walk around too much.  He got up to eat, drink, ask for food-he usually fell over into his dishes, shaking like Ronald Reagan in his slow efforts to get back on his feet.

But watching Velcro try to run, because sometimes instinct compels it, was brilliant.  Velcro would crane his pole vault leg around towards his front quarters, instead of outward, like a tripod.  Then, shaking like Ronnie, he'd spin his fat, L-Shaped Tail and launch his Velcro Stunt-Kitty Self into the air.  At least two or three feet up and over.  Guests in our house were always startled, then they would relax because we'd all be laughing.  When Velcro felt playful and clean, he would try to scamper.  Whoosh!-Thunk!  Whoosh!-Clu-clunk!  Oh, it was a joy.

Velcro pretty much took care of himself, except when our retarded Doberman Pincher, Bubba, would try and play with his head.   We often had to wrestle Velcro's Bubba-Slimed Head out of the playful Dobie's jaw.

But like any animal, he just got old.  One day I came home to find him sleeping in a weird place on the floor.  But he was cool, and stiff.  He wasn't exactly sleeping.  Even in death, Velcro was endearing, you see, becase rigor-mortis had set-in, and his L-Shaped tail made for very convenient transporting to his burial site.

Next time you have a laugh at the expense of a cat, think Velcro.  Amen.  Tee-Hee...

"You Better Retract That Critique of Derrida, Mister!"

Small Town Bar Boasts Big Minded Clientele

 
8th October, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. (aka Tyedye)Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
       (MOUNTAIN RANCH, CALIFORNIA) Nestled in this quaint little foothill town (population 1726) is a pub of deep thoughts known as the Blunder Inn Bar and Grill.  Don't let the Slim Whitman records on the jukebox or PBS on the TV fool you, this is no ordinary tavern. (Don't let the name fool you either.  While some people actually blunder in, most all inevitably blunder out).  The last names you expect to hear when you enter are Sartre, Kant or Einstein.  If you think Camus is a rock star or high fashion model, be prepared to suffer the wrath of the patrons.
     While you don't need a degree in philosophy or physics, nor be a card carrying member of Mensa to be served a frosty mug of beer, you should know how to spell Descartes and know what Bertrand Russell won the Nobel Prize for if you want to converse with the regulars.  Even though formal educations are often lacking, these presumably toothless hillbillies don't browse Readers Digest or keep the National Enquirer on a stand of honor next to their toilets.  Judging them by their dental plans, their spit shined Harley Davidsons or the placement of their tattoos would be also be highly presumptuous, and would be rules to which these hard-working, hard living Americans prove the exception.
     Debates on any subject are held in the international language, Latin (at least until sobriety wears off).  If you want to talk about such mundane things as the weather, you'd better at least know something about meteorology.  ("Orographic precipitation? Where?! Where?!")  If you want to talk religion, fine.  Proposing the  miracle of a burning bush will elicit many different scientific theories with supporting evidence on how an
ordinary shrub could spontaneously combust.
       If you play pool with Dr. Dolan Story, calling your shots is more complicated than just pointing at a pocket.  ("8 ball with an inertial gradient of 45 degrees at an inverse angle of Diogenes with gravitation prejudice in the southern inclined corner pocket").  Play dice and you better know your statistical analysis.  Darts are a whole different matter. Only the stodgiest off the bar's eggheads play that game since chess was banished after all the disruptions caused during an illegal en passant incident.
     Local celebrities Tom Dark and Tyrone Dye frequent the establishment, often times being escorted by the bouncers out the back with a "One, two, three, HEAVE!"  Sometimes the door is even opened first.
      You might assume within this 'ignorance free zone' that when there is a disagreement between hormone saturated men vying for social dominance, there would be a dueling protocol established; such as the challenger giving another a backhand slap with his glove.  Not so.  While the males are by and large intelligent country gentlemen, they recognize and act upon their evolutionary instincts and may attack without provocation.
     Pinch a female and be prepared to defend yourself.  Most of them not only practice a martial art, but can speak the language from the nation where it originated from.  Complimenting them on their figures is a delicate
matter also.  While all women love flattery, such lines as  "weren't we married in a previous life?", have far less chance of success towards physical desire fulfillment  than a witty "your subcutaneous fat cells are pleasantly distributed".  Of course the old standby approach of, "can I buy you a drink?", especially when asked in  Mandarin Chinese, is always an acceptable opening line.  To the ladies, reciting French literature to them is a greater barometer of attraction than a catcall.
     The state university has much in common with the Blunder Inn.  While not free (there is a cover charge and a two drink minimum) both are the only places on earth where you can get an education while getting enebriated as a spilogale putorius (drunk as a skunk).  Advance reservations are required, and be prepared to present your 'Book of the Month Club' membership card to the Maitre D' at the door.

Bungling Doctor Cured Me!

California Man Sues for Malpractice

30th September, 1997 submitted by Rusputin click here to return to the Front Page. ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
(SOUTH PASADENA, CALIFORNIA) Lawrence Bybee, 47 of Pasadena has filed suit against respected neurosurgeon Dr. Howard H. Litmann III, claiming that Litmann acted against Bybee's wishes and cured him of a debilitating and (according to Mr. Bybee) quite lucrative "mystery" illness.

"I knew it was something unusual," says Bybee, now in perfect health. "I couldn't find that exact combination of symptoms
anywhere in my AMA Disease Dictionary. I was all set up to live off my insurance and rake in millions appearing on talk shows
and being paraded in front of medical conferences for as long as I lived. Which may have been as much as ten years! Now I'm
stuck back at the office drawing 20 a year."

Bybee was the first man to be diagnosed with what is now being called "Bybee's Disease", a rare dysfunction of the neural
tissue. Bybee was referred to the world renowned Litmann Clinic for Mysteriously Incurable Diseases to have Dr. Litmann
provide verification of his condition for insurance purposes. That is when, according to Bybee, the trouble started.

Over the last five years, the Litmann Clinic has diagnosed over two hundred thousand patients as having "mysteriously incurable
diseases", condemning each to a life of dependence on disability payments. Until this year, the Litmann Clinic has not ever cured
a single patient.

"That Bastard [Litmann] wasn't satisfied to be the man who diagnosed Bybee's disease," claims Bybee. "He wanted to be the
one who cured it too!" Bybee claims in his lawsuit that Dr. Litmann and himself got into a heated argument over an issue of
Playboy Magazine, and that Dr. Litmann cured his illness to deprive him of "the good life".

Dr. Litmann, who is currently under intense scrutiny by the AMA, has just embarked on a thirteen month publicity tour to
promote his new book Bybee's Disease: Conquering the Unknown from Random Stuff Publishers, due to hit the shelves in
late October.

Killers Strike

Murderers Walk Out, Demanding Better Conditions and Benefits

30th September. 1997 Submitted by Ace Dtect  click here to return to front page ©1997 SuBBrilliant News, All Rights Reserved
(DALLAS, TEXAS) The American Brotherhood of Hit Men, Serial Killers and Industrialists announced an unlimited walk-out, saying they will not kill again until their demands are met.

"We're tired of being second class citizens in a nation of plenty," said union leader Wayne Lee Samson to a cheering crowd of killers. "We need health care, we need work contracts, we need the same benefits that every other hard working man or woman in America demands and deserves.  Killing is hard work!  I'd like to see some of these politicians try to step in our shoes for a day. To act is if murder, assasination and liquidation are 'easy' jobs that don't class with other work is INHUMANE!"

Labour analysts say the union has some valid demands but is taking up an extreme negotiating position in the hopes of winning respect.  Unlike the UPS tactic of stonewalling but providing more reasonable demands, the 'Killer Union' is making intentionally drastic proposals.

"They've got some crazy ideas," says Labour Professor Crandall Rathman of MIT, "For instance the demands about the skins of several Senators and Hollywood Stars, dried, tanned and delivered in unmarked briefcases are clearly a negotiating point.  Samson can say to the more radical members of the union, 'we asked' and still come out with strong winnings for the more moderate members, like the hit men."

Attorney General Janet Reno is worried that the strike could prove very unsettling to the country if prolonged.  Her office issued a statement stating that murder is, "an American way of life" which, if taken away, could, "undermine everything this country stands for."

Picket line trouble has only occured in Detroit, where non-union gang members were found crossing the picket line to murder a delinquent client. Union members stoned the gang members within inches of their lives and then tied them up so that they wouldn't, "cause no more trouble."

Hollywood Feels Fallout From Critics

30th September, 1997 Submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H.  (aka Tyedye)    Click Here to return to Front Page
       (HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA) In the biggest news event to rock the planet since PeeWee Herman was caught burping his boner in an X-Rated movie theatre, millions of TV viewers were left confused and depressed when they simultaneously lost reception at 8:18 PM last night.
     It has since been determined that a 10 kiloton thermonuclear blast leveled Hollywood, and most of the surrounding Los Angeles area, causing a temporary disruption in satelite feeds worldwide.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau and The Rand institute, approximately 1.25 million people were instantly vaporized, while another 2 million will linger a few more months before dying of related injuries and illnesses.
     Many radical political organizations have subsequently claimed responsibility for the disaster.  But the most likely suspect is the terrorist group known as the "American Family Association".  Donald Wildmon, outspoken leader of the AFA and antagonist of all that couch potato's hold sacred, has stated in the past that Hollywood is the "source of our nations diminished morality and the  decay of basic Christian and family values.  If the Lord God will not exercise his wrath upon the depraved enemies of mankind, then I will."  Wildmon could not be reached for comment at press time.
     The FBI, ATF and Interpol are now investigating who Wildmon's extremist group may have purchased a nuclear device from.  Said ATF Agent Nancy Strom-Trooper, "with plutonium now being traded openly on the Russian Stock Market, most terrorists just make their own bombs.  But as evidenced by statements emanating from the AFA, they don't have the intellegence to stack Legos, much less build an atomic bomb."
     In a rare show of unity and support , surviving network and movie studio executives abandoned their usual buck passing and criticism by holding a joint press conference early this morning.  "We want to assure the
nation that quality programming will be re-instituted as soon as possible. Unfortunately, many producers, best boys, key grips and other technical support staff with the necessary expertise to make our industry function
were lost in the tragedy.  Actors and directors, of course, can be replaced. A complete restructuring will begin this afternoon when casting begins at a secret location for two top ten sitcoms, 'Friends' and 'Seinfeld'. Until then, we beg for our audience's understanding and patience.  We are aware nobody likes re-runs, but we have little choice for now."
     All university and college students majoring in Film Appreciation have been excused from classes to help in this international entertainment emergency.  Also, the National Guard has been called in by Governor Pete Wilson to not only construct new stage sets, props, and backdrops, but to also act as extras.
     Said survivor Steven Spielberg, who had the good fortune to be attending the Cannes Film Festival, "This was not a knock-out punch, we will survive this crisis.  I have already notified the surviving executives of the Screen Actors Guild that I will be re-locating my production company to El Paso Gap, New Mexico, due to its  defendable geography and easy access to Carlsbad Caverns; which could also temporarily house up to 8,000 people in the event of another catastophy.  'Course, a little warning would help next time."  It is anticipated that the entire industry will follow Spielberg's lead, making El Paso Gap the new entertainment mecca of the world.  "My first project, already in pre-production, is a TV movie based upon this disaster."
     Already, candlelight vigils are planned for George Clooney, Roseanne, and the entire cast of Beverly Hills 90210.  David Letterman received his long awaited opportunity when he was named the new host of 'The  Tonight Show', after Jay Leno turned up missing and is now presumed dead. Soap opera fans need not panic, most of the popular daytime TV shows are produced in New York City.
     Some people have mixed feelings on their loss.  Housewife and avid TV watcher Carol Moore observed that, "The world will be a better place without the weekly rantings of Ted Koppel, the incessant whinings of Geraldo, or the gutteral toilet noises of Beavis and Butthead.  But I will miss the realism of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman."
    In yet another attempt to prove that he too might be 'an ingenuous loser', wealthy philanthropist and Internet 'zine wannabe Ted Turner has donated 1 billion dollars to the Warner Brothers Animation Division, in an
effort to "aid in the rebuilding of the American way of life".   Turner justified his contribution by saying, "Where would the country be without Taz and the Tiny Toons?"
     With operations based out of Atlanta, Georgia, and not effected by the blast, Ted Turner's entertainment subsidiaries TNT and TBS are expected to show huge profits this quarter.  But trading on the New York Stock Exchange plummeted after the tragedy, and analysts still have not determined if the cause was from the destruction of a major U.S. city, the anticipated loss of TV advertising revenues, or the interruption of prime time programming.

SuBBrilliant Book Review Section

Six Year Old Boy Eaten by Pet Snake

30th September, 1997 submitted by Rev. TyedyeClick Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
     (SHEEP RANCH, CALIFORNIA) It was news that shocked the local community.  One minute 6 year old
Clemen Reynolds was playing with Loki, his 15' pet Burmese Python, and the next he was ignoring his Mother's calls for him to come to supper.  After an intense search, his parents finally called the Police.
     Authorities first suspected that Clemen might have fallen victim to a kidnapper.  But after 48 hours and no ransom note, they checked his bedroom again. The mystery of his disappearance was solved when they finally noticed a very well fed snake hiding under Clemen's bunk bed.
     Clemen's Father Daniel, a Naturalist and Professor of Veterinary Sciences at The 'Sally Struthers Home Correspondence School' was saddened, but said, "You can't blame the snake for being what it is or for doing what comes naturally to it."
     "He loved that snake", said his tearful Mother, "He raised it from a baby".  When asked what would become of Loki, she added, "I think Clemen would have wanted his little sister to inherit his best freind".
     Some neighbors were outraged.  "They might as well have let him play with a Tarantula", said Tom Taylor.  Some neighbors suspect foul play.  "I know for a fact that snake hated Clemen with a passion," said playmate
Johnny Barnstorm, "you could see it in his eyes". The case is still under investigation, with authorities still looking for a motive besides hunger, but as yet, no charges have filed against Loki.  "If we cannot prove any malice aforethought, it will be difficult to prove the snake had any illegal intentions", lectured District Attorney Peter Smith.
     Crisis Councelors and Herpetologists will be on hand at the Elementary School Clemen attended to help students accept and understand his consumation.  Funeral services will be held in a few weeks, after Loki has
digested and expelled Clemen's remains.

Billy Graham Indicted For Soliciting Unauthorized Salvation

 
30th September, 1997 submitted by Tyrone Dye E.S.U.H. (aka Tyedye)Click Here to return to Front Page.©1997  SuBBrilliant News All Rights Reserved
      (WASHINGTON, DC) Attorney General Janet Reno today announced the arrest of the Reverend Billy Graham after a Federal Grand Jury indicted him on charges of mail fraud and operating an illegal multi-level marketing scam.
      "It was a salvation pyramid scheme, pure and simple", said Reno at her press conference, and a violation under California State Welfare and Institutions Code Section 6616 (a), which states in part, "requests to the
almighty of any preferred designation must be made with due diligence and un-selfish motivations."  Also, Business and Professions Code Section 945 states, "Prayers and\or supplications may not be solicited in writing without the express permission of  the United States Post Office."
     Attorney Johnny Cochrane, representing Reverend Graham, defended his client by saying that the pyramid was not selfishly based, "because you never prayed for your own salvation, only for the salvation of the person at
the top of the list."  However, Reno observed that this is an unfair advantage to those who receive the letter, much less the people at the top of the list, and minimizes the importance of attending church and tithing.
     Reno claimed the scheme is fraudulent because at some point in the pyramid someone always loses when the people below them abandon their faith and the chain is broken. "Those who do not continue  the chain are promised bad luck and eternal damnation, thus imposing an element of fear for not participating.  This in itself is a clear violation of statute."  Not true, preached Cochrane, "Most of the people who refused to participate or who's prayers were not answered were damned to Hell before they ever even received the letter, this was God's way of offering them one last opportunity. Hallelujah! Praise Jesus's name!"
     It is alleged that 30 million chain letters were sent worldwide, utilizing a popular E-Mail spam generator, the U.S. mail, and windshield flyers.   With Reverend Graham's name at the top of each list, it is estimated that over 25 million people prayed for his salvation before the chain crumbled into obscurity. Postal Employees and God's switchboard operators worked overtime for 2 weeks handling all the extra traffic.  Added Reno, "The timing for success was perfect.  With the end of the world nearing, Christians are growing more and more desperate for assurance that their prayers will not go unanswered or unrewarded.  Money need not change hands for a fraud to be committed, only something of value, in this case, eternal bliss in Heaven."
     Making matters worse for the Reverend Graham, the Internal Revenue Service has now gotten involved.   IRS tax code states under chapter 4218, section 10025, sub-section (y), "Rewards resulting from prayer are
considered a value received and are taxable income, whether the prayer was initiated by and for the benefit of the rewardee or not ."
     Reno's advice to the public to avoid falling victim of this type of scam in the future was simple.   "I appeal to all God fearing Christians to EARN their salvation, and not expect something for nothing.  When an
opportunity for cheap grace sounds too good to be true, it usually is."