Most images have been removed to prevent peeling and irritation.
One of the worst disasters to strike L>A> since the Chevy Chase Show, the firestorms of 1993 will take its rightful place in our cultural history and be remembered days and even weeks from now by the cretins who had to go through the hell of seeing their million dollar homes go up in flames.
But don`t get too misty-eyed. And don't belive everything you've heard about the fires. Those very flames that were licking the feet of yours truly for three straight days were in actuality the first major visible battle in the war between the forces of "the man" and EVERY ONE of our PATRIOTIC FORCES of the UPPRESSEDIOPPRESSFDlREPRESSEDIPRESSED, overeducated, underpaid, overtaxed, underwhelmed, overworked, underrepresented, overlooked members of the Fuck You Generation.
The battle began weeks ago when a Midwest mother left her two young children unattended in her trailer home watching cable television. The five year old (who already had a history of setting fires) set fire to the trailer resulting in the deaths of his two year old sister, himself, and the trailer.
Rather than charge the woman away with negleet, abuse, and two counts of manslaughter, her denial-ridden maniac rantings cominced MTV to cut the showings of Beavis and Butthead in half and remove all references to fire in all of the shows.
Later, more young idiots were killed by laying down in the middle of busy roads. Disney took the blame. This convinced Attomey General Janet "Dammit" Reno - a woman with obvious severe mental and social problems - to go before our appointed officials in Washington and spew forth irresponsible lies concerning television and films.
She presented three different unconstitutional proposals to censor the
media, then went back to her cave.
Forces were marshalled, and battles broke out all over the city resultirig
in the victoEd. lVofe:
At this point the fax machine delivering this story was cut by the forces of the man. The whereabouts of our man in L.A. are stil! unclear, if you know him and you see him please let us know by callinq our hotline at 1-217-352-9029 or write 607 Maple Street, Greenville, IL 62246. From what we know, the battle was victorious and most of Los Angeles is under the silent occupation of pro-revolution forces. Do not tell anyone of this event.
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The Holy Father offered little in the way of explanation why Sartre should be named a saint. He did say that he met the thinker in a Left-bank cafe once during the occupation of Paris, and that he had bought him a drink.
A Vatican spokesman who insisted on anonymity said it came as a complete surprise to everyone in Rome, but admitted that since the Pope is infallible, he would begin reading the copy of "Nausea" he found in his office mailbox this morning.
The Sartre camp was similarly shocked by the news. An existentialist
spokesman who insisted on anonymity said "Not only did Sartre not believe
in God, but his diaries indicate that the Pope had once left him with the
tab at a cafe in 1939."
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(Pocahontas, Illinois) In a strange twist of events, the HUBBEL(LE)
Space telescope was mysteriously turned on and found a lOth planet! The
planet is inhabited by ape-like creatures, appears to be triangular and
is ILLUMINATED by eight GE superwatt light bulbs. Details are sketchy but
sources in NASA have confirmed that some astronauts hasve been taking the
space shuttle, "out for a cruise" lately more than usual.
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This week researchers discovered two important sections dealing with keeping people 'down.'
A section entitled euphemistically "Delegating responsibility, details five main events that can be used to keep employees down.
They are COMPLAINTS, COSTS, DELAYS,PLANNING, & PROBLEMS. The section summary on page 47 puts it in this bone chilling way.
"To sum up, so-called delegating should include some of the fantastic 5 or their like. COMPLAIN about employee performance (not specifically) make the job COST the employee money and time, DELAY progress as much as possible, use PLANNING to ensure difficulty and even impossibility of the task and find PROBLEMS regularly which can lead back to the othcr 4. This should ensure that delegation provides shallow fulfillment and job personality regression.'
The second scction analyzed on page 58, dealt with the long suspected conspiracy to use temps to drive the work force back to indentured servitude. After a lengthy discussion of the long term effects of temp hiring the following two paragraphs show that temps should be made 'down' and never giving the idea they have a 'right to the job.'
"Assignments of a temporary nature can be made within the immediate office or in another office. All assignments of this sort need not be up-they may be (and often are) down, too. Best results are obtained by planning for and following up after the tour of duty ends. One caution: It should be clear to all that the word "acting" is stressed. This is essential to avoid the impression that the temporary assignee has a vested right to the job."
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'Basically,' the Pope said, 'It is the similarity of the names I like. Me, John Paul II; him, Jean-Paul. Is quite nice, no?'
When asked if he was familiar with Sartre's ideologies of existentialism, the Pope replied that he was, 'right in the middle of 'Being & Nothingness' and can hardty put it down.'
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'Turning towards a tlme of chains. I stop to consider the implications of my future. I've started down my road. enrolled In a local state university, set my sights for a Ilfetlme of financially induced death.
Knowledgeful of my expectatlons, hopeful for redemption; or suicide, I stagger and fall back into the familiar binds of unthinking servitude. They carry me wfthout effort, unkowledgeful of me In their benign difference; and I am the new generation. a postindustrial generation without hope. I have no direction, no chance for survival."
Couldn't a put it better myself Justin. Ladies and gentleman, Justin Todd Patriek our twentysomething of the week.
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Blipssnork, who does not own a Sony Walkman, a single pair of Levi jeans, or anything sold at the Gap, also claims that he does not drink Coke or Pepsi and does not even know what the 'Seattle Sound' is.
'The last record I bought was a John Denver Christmas Special,' said Blipssnork. Police claim that the crime is a particularly odious one because, 'the future of the country rests with the hope that young people are too stupid to realize they're being exploited.'
In his defense, Blipssnork, who works as an office temp, said that he isn't consciously refusfng to be a target market, he's simply poor.
'After paying the rent, buying food and paying the utilities, I don't have enough money left over to buy anything.'
Blipssnork faces several years of Iiving in more poverty-stricken conditions
than prison and a Iifetime sentence of belng hated by the Baby Boom Generation.
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