Wilburville, AL -- An Alabama man was arrested yesterday for Unaggravated Sexual Assault after allegedly undressing 7 women with his eyes.

Cecil Barnaby, 39, was taken into custody by sheriff's deputies after being caught on tape during a sting operation in a popular Wilburville grocery store.

Barnaby is already on probation after a Sexual Assault conviction 19 months ago when he whispered innuendoes into a cocktail waitress's ear. Aural Sex is still unlawful in 8 southern states, including Alabama.

"While at first glance this may not appear to be a serious offense, statistics show that this kind of misdemeanor behavior often leads to the more serious felony crime of Lusting After Women With Your Heart", said District Attorney Wilma Hornsey.

Court observers are wagering that Barnaby will fall victim to Alabama's Three Strikes law before he hits a home run with a woman.

© 2000 by Tyrone Dye {a.k.a. Tyedye}

NEW YORK - The leaders of almost every nation in the world gathered in New York this week to announce that anything that's not going well should be fixed.

The astounding collection of the World's greatest statesmen debated for three days over the fate of Earth.

"We've reached a decisive and helpful conclusion that there are too many starving people and too many killings and it's just not OK," said a spokesperson for the UN conference.

The conference which included everyone from US President Bill Clinton to Cuba's Fidel Castro, developed a dramatic plan to change the world.

• Work on feeding hungry people
• Stop all this killing
• Cure all known diseases
• Make everyone happier

The most important people in the world generally felt that no one could argue with their conclusions and it would provide a bold new plan for the 21st Century.

Only Secretary-General Kofi Annan seemed disheartened. As the great players of world politics exited the conference room congratulating each other, the Secretary-General was seen holding up a document called "implementation plan" and yelling after the Kings and Presidents that they had forgotten something. No one was sure what Mr. Annan meant but everyone felt very satisifed with themselves.

As the week of Middle East peace talks came to an unresolved end this evening, both Palestine and Isreal's leaders announced that they had no intention of leaving Camp David, Maryland, and demanded the other do so immediately.

"Djis ish lovely home", exclaimed Barak,

"Djis now mine. All others go. Now".

Mr. Arafat responded to Mr. Barak's claim by gathering up all the flatware on the table and placing it into his suit coat pockets before toppling the dinner table onto it's side and taking cover behind it. Mr. Arafat then began lobbing both dinner and salad forks at Mr. Barak while screaming, "I vas here first, many time". Anyone have Camp David, it will be I, Yarir Arafat!"

President Clinton immediately announced that he would be spending the next few days on the other side of the world.