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• 3rd June 1998 - Brynn Hartman Receives Award
• 5th June, 1998 - Archeologists Uncover Goliath's Remains
• 6th June, 1998 - Self-Conscious Teen Loses Battle With Acne
• 8th June, 1998 - Switzerland Says "Fuck this neutral shit!"
• 9th June, 1998 - Federal Judge Moves Ellis Island
• 13th June, 1998 - Wells Fargo Reverses Decision Against Free Checking.
• 15th June, 1998 - Keanu Reeves Found Dead
• 17th June, 1998 - O.J. Captures Real Killers of Ron and Nicole
• 17th June, 1998 - Heaven Closed For Remodeling
• 20th June, 1998 - Clinton Supports Awareness
• 24th June, 1998 - Yugoslavia Breaks Up In Cup
• 25th June, 1998 - UN To Thin Out China
• 29th June, 1998 - APA Recommends New Therapy

Brynn Hartman Receives Award

Wins 1998 Marshalls Domestic Peace Prize

NEW YORK, 3-JUN-1998 (SBN) Brynn Hartman received the 1998 Marshalls Domestic Peace Prize today. Mrs. Hartman will receive the award post-humously, after recently killing her husband and then herself, ending a long history of marital discord.

A statement issued by TJX Companies, Inc. (Marshalls, TJMaxx), who sponsor the annual award, said comedian Phil Hartman's wife, Brynn, was "deeply committed to preserving tranquility in the home and through her heroic actions (she) has shown a nation of women that the emotional and financial trauma of divorce does not necessarily have to be tolerated".

Marshalls Domestic Peace Prizes support only the most innovative efforts to promote domestic peace. Mrs. Hartman "will be honored for her effectiveness in ending her discussions with Mr. Hartman quickly and with no misunderstandings and for her creativity in anticipating the loss of one handgun, thereby having another on hand to finish the task at hand."

"Mrs. Hartman was well aware that alcohol and illicit drug use increased her chances of carrying out her domestic peace plan, so she was diligent in maintaining appropriately intoxicating levels in her bloodstream throughout the Qualifying Event."

It was also noted that Mrs. Hartman "eliminated the need for expensive divorce proceedings, lengthy hospital stays, or law enforcement intervention."

In addition to the $10,000 Award, Mrs. Hartman's Estate will receive free 'red stain' removal from ChemDry Carpets, and a $2000.00 Upholstery and Mattress Cleanup awarded by Blood-Spill and Biohazard Clean Up Corporation of Ca. 

Archeologists Uncover Goliath's Remains

Towering Hero Not So Towering After All

But, when the bones were analyzed, scientists learned that Goliath was not the giant that the Bible story portrayed him to be. Instead, Goliath was a young, handicapped, fifteen-year-old boy. A wooden, make-shift wheelchair was dug up from the ground next to the bones.

"David beat the hell out of a crippled kid," Dr. Jonas Tishman reported. "You know, you hear all those stories about a small guy fending off a giant and all, and it's just a bunch of crap. David was just a big bully."

Religious critics now claim that the bones must belong to someone else, and not the legendary Goliath. But Tishman stands by his analysis.

"No, this is Goliath. Look right here," he said, pointing to a crack in the skull. "This is where the rock from the slingshot hit him. Plus, Dr. Cox also uncovered his personal belongings and Goliath had his name embroidered on his belt, which was also found at the site, as well as carved into his wheelchair."

Even then, many refuse to believe the findings. "Okay, say it is Goliath," Reverend James Shaw said, "David could still have been defending himself in battle."

"Nice try," said Tishman. "Both of Goliath's legs were broken, as well as eight of his ribs. The jagged edge along the break in the ribs suggests it occurred while he was on his back as someone stomped on his chest from above. Not to mention that the bone fractures are slightly newer than the skull impact, by at least a few minutes.

"Obviously, after knocking him out with a slingshot, David then dragged Goliath out of his wheelchair and then began to pummel the poor boy to death, breaking his brittle, useless legs one by one, while the rest of the onlookers cheered."

Though very few are ready to accept this finding, some are starting to wonder how to change the records and scriptures to reveal the truth.

"If it is true," Reverend Shaw told SBN, "it'll be easier to just forget about it than to go back and reprint all those books. I sure don't wanna havta do that." 

Self-Conscious Teen Loses Battle With Acne

Rescue Team Barely Saves Girl's Life

Recuse personnel utilized HAZMAT (Hazardous Materials) protocols: thoroughly bathing the girl with soap, water, and a wire brush, they then completed de-contamination by soaking Chelsea down with a 2 1\2 inch fire hose. Tools and clothing that came into contact with her were sealed and shipped to the Lawrence Livermore Nuclear Laboratory Waste Site for disposal.

Hospital officials state that the victim had been consumed with performing some pre-emptive grooming for this weekend’s Senior Prom.

According to her Mother, “"she had been wrestling with "one ornery blackhead the size of her thumb all week. Fearing permanent disfigurement, I guess she became a bit overzealous with the pimple floss."”

Siddha Hari-Giliamahtha M.D., Professor of Medicine at the Sally Struthers Holistic Home Correspondence School offered some expert advice; “"as the Ozone Layer continues to deteriorate, we will see more frequent occurrences of ulcerated blemishes growing on the faces of our teens. Kids are going to have to learn to ‘Just Say No’ to these over-hyped and dangerous drug remedies."

Clearasil is more familiarly known by its street names of Zit Cream, Pimple Powder, and Face Goop.

Responding to critics, Clearasil’s manufacturer Proctor and Gamble, has denied that their secret formula contains chocolate or Hydrochloric Acid.

The Surgeon General today issued a warning, recalling Clearasil from pharmacy shelves until they can be replaced with tubes utilizing tamper proof, Pubescent Resistant Caps.

Dermatologists and other crisis counselors will be at the High School this week helping Chelsea’s classmates deal with the tragedy. 

Switzerland Says "Fuck this neutral shit!"

Begins nuclear testing

"We just decided to say 'Fuck this neutral shit!' We do not wish to be laughed at any longer," Swiss Ambassador Aldred Defago said. "We're tired of being known for cuckoo clocks and Whiskey toting dogs!"

One year ago the Swiss declared war on the E.U. only to have the neutrality break avoided at the last minute by the famous "Swizz-Hole-Clock" compromise.

The decision comes just weeks after India and Pakistan detonated nuclear devices against the wishes of the United Nations.

"It makes perfect sense," Dr. Larry Lemkin, Psychology Professor at Grover State University, said. "When someone remains passive for such a long time, those buried emotions will rise up eventually and explode in a volcanic rage."

Defago scoffs at Lemkin's analysis saying, "It has nothing to do with repressed anger. Just look at who we're surrounded by! The friggin' Germans to the North . . . I don't get it. The country that started the first two World Wars reunites, and the whole world cheers! Are you people blind??

"Then we have the pasta-eaters to the South. Just how long before another Benito rises outta the spaghetti, huh? There's the Austrians to the East . . . just some more German wanna-bes, and then we have the French to the West. We aren't really scared of the French, but, being downwind, the smell has become rather disgusting. We must destroy them simply for health reasons."

Despite the Swiss' rather adamant determination to thrust itself into the Arms Race, it could be several years before any progress is made, as their recent "ground-breaking" detonation" involved three cherry bombs that were confiscated from an American tourist.
 
Some material in this article provided from SBN archives and Bern Bureau 

Federal Judge Moves Ellis Island

Geography Irrelevant Says Fed

NEW YORK - 9 JUN-98 (SBN) - Ellis Island is not in New York or New Jersey as previously believed, it's in Guinea, a federal judge recently decided.

"We're not sold on geography as a way to determine where something's located. Boundary lines mean nothing to me," said Judge Deckland C. Zippo.

That means bragging rights for the African nation and a monument to the thousands of slaves who passed through the country on their way to America.

"Finally, a tribute to the forgotten immigrants of this country," said Harry Rosewater, of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.

Family members can't have names of ancestors' etched on the wall, but they can take part in the living graffiti memorial. Your ancestor is memorialized in a phrase of your chosing as perpetrated by a grafitti professional.

Although Ellis Island's prime location is Guinea, it could also be Zaire, Cameroon, or any other West African country, according to Zippo.

"Heck it could be Uganda for all we know," the judge said. "Most Americans don't know where any of these countries are anyway." 

Wells Fargo Reverses Decision Against Free Checking.

Death Squad To Fulfill Terms of Agreement

All of the affected customers had been given the Guarantee while they were customers of banks that later fell under the wheels of the Wells Fargo Stagecoach. (The decision was announced in conjunction with Wells Fargo's latest 'merger' with Norwest Bank. )

The letter sent to the affected customers noted that the receiver had been "acquired in a recent take-over" and announced the decision to discontinue their Lifetime Free Checking.

Amid customer protests and unfavorable publicity, the banking giant has now reversed its decision, and announced the formation of a Death Squad.

A Wells Fargo stagecoach, with sharpshooters riding 'shotgun' have been assigned to "fully honor the Lifetime Guarantee" by terminating each non-fee paying customer. 

Keanu Reeves Found Dead

Actor Suffocated In Paper Bag

"I knew he couldn't do it," said Emmett Mackel, who had made the original wager. "'Keanu couldn't act his way out of a paper bag,' I told my friend Jim, but Jim was like, 'Naw, he's good, man,' but I'm like 'No way,' and stuff, and then Jim says, 'You wanna put your money where your mouth is?'"

The wager resulted in the ultimate demise of the young actor, who had his whole life ahead of him. Keanu was known for his skill at playing an expressionless rock that speaks in stiff, stilted dialogue.

"That boy was headed for stardom," Keanu's mother, Eve, told reporters. "We were all behind him, and I still think he could've acted out of that paper bag if he would've had some depth he could've worked with. No actor alive could have done it with what little he was given."

A prominent Hollywood producer, who wishes to remain anonymous (we will refer to him as "H. Weinstein"), contradicted Eve's claims. "Keanu couldn't act his way out of a paper sack, or even a cardboard box, for that matter," Harvey said. "You know that movie that he 'supposedly' decided to not be in so he could 'tour with his band'? Well, that was a load of crap!"

"Mr. Weinstein" elaborated that Keanu had, in fact, been fired from the film, which was to be an updated version of Shakespeare's "Macbeth".

"Keanu kept adding the word 'excellent!' and strumming an air-guitar after every other sentence," Harvey said. "Macbeth didn't do that. It wasn't working. He made up that band stuff so he didn't look like an idiot. Hell, even HE knows that his band sucks. They're not touring anywhere."

"It was the easiest fifty bucks I ever got," Emmett commented about the bet. "And I'm pretty sure I'm right about Patrick Swayze too, but Jim thinks he's good. Hey, give me some clay and Demi Moore and I'd kick some ass too!"

Patrick Swayze has declined to comment on whether he'll accept the wager or not. 

O.J. Captures Real Killers of Ron and Nicole

Fairway Chase Etched Into Americana

Hector Pisa and Julio Diaz, Traveling Caddies currently employed at the Beverly Hills Country Club and alleged part time Hit Men under contract to a Colombian Drug Cartel, had been under surveillance by Simpson and his Private Investigator for almost 16 months.

Simpson's Investigator, Jimmy Brasco of Brasco Investigations and Sport Shop, has been working the case since O.J.'s ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman were found butchered like lambs in her Bundy Street garden two years ago. Brasco and Simpson, usually one step behind the murderers, had tracked the pair to the Country Club, then played a round of golf while they searched for the two. After 18 holes and no luck, Simpson explained he was doing some chipping with his new Sand Wedge onto the practice green when he saw the murderers carrying Judge Lance Ito’s bag to the first tee.

Armed with only a McGregor 3 Wood, Simpson, in his heat of passion, ignored his debilitating arthritis and chronically aching knees, and chased the suspects across the doglegged 14th fairway, tackled them on the 18th Green, and in front of almost 100 cheering fans rained blows on them until their bodies were nothing but a bloody pulp of flesh. Mexican DNA was scattered everywhere.

Pisa and Diaz eventually managed to escape in a stolen golf cart while Simpson cleaned up a glass broken at the scene. The duo then led police on a televised high speed chase, leaving the vision of two fleeing Golf Caddies joy riding around the Los Angeles Country Club Fairways permanently etched in the minds of potential jurors.

An informed source says Pisa and Diaz were previously employed as police informants for Mark Fuhrman, and as Lawn Maintenance Technicians for Marcia Clark - adding that they possess a long criminal history of petty theft, shoplifting, and evidence planting.

Simpson now seeks to overturn the 33.5 million civil judgment levied against him in a lawsuit brought last year by the Brown and Goldman Families. To finance this legal action he has released a new video called "I Told You So"; where he explains how Pisa and Diaz doctored the 40 separate photos of him wearing those incriminating "ugly ass" Bruno Magli Shoes, and he takes viewers on a tour of his favorite golf courses he played while pursuing the murderers around the world. Said O.J., "Mystery fans and golf buffs will just love it!"

Simpson, previously thought to be 100% guilty by most Caucasians with an IQ over 65 - and every African American over 125 - is relieved that his nightmare is now almost over, and can get on with his life.

When taken into custody, Diaz shouted, "We are innocent. We have been framed by the rich Black Power Brokers from Rockingham Avenue." But they had no alibi for the night of the murders and offered no explanation for the Aikida dog hairs on their pruning shears.

To finance their Defense Dream Team of Geraldo Rivera and Ally McBeal, Diaz and Pisa just released a book entitled, "Dejame Decirte." ("Let Me Tell You")

Simpson was unavailable for comment, napping before his Red Eye Flight to the Bahamas where he will compete in a celebrity golf tournament with John Wayne Gacy and the Menendez Brothers. 

Heaven Closed For Remodeling

Purgatory Prepares For Overbooking

God spoke to reporters over a Champaign brunch held in Limbo today explaining the need for the change.

"Simply put we need to keep with the times," said God. "I've seen this coming ever since the popularity of T-shirts.  Well of course I've seen it, I'm omnipotent.  That tends to make me overexplain myself sometimes though.  It's a curse."

Heaven's Press Spokesangel, Michael more concisely explained the need for the remodel.

"The bliss quotient is down since the 1950's.  Modern era souls just aren't as ecstatic in renaissance surroundings so we're going to juice the place up a bit."

Walt Disney has been called up to heaven temporarily to help with the remodel.  God plans to have more than one area so that souls can choose a favourite atmosphere.

"Of course we'll leave the main courtyard, golden gates and Divine Residence as originally designed, but the rest of the heavenly grounds will be turned into a sort of heavenly version of Epcot," said Disney.

Current residents will spend time in Limbo while the remodel takes place in their locale.

"Hopefully, we'll be done by, well no hopefully about it.  I know exactly when it will be done.  But not the hour exactly. I mean with the day like unto a thousand years I sometimes have a hard time expressing exact time figures to my creation.  That reminds me of when..." said God.

"We're planning on 25 August if all goes well," said Michael. 

Clinton Supports Awareness

Willing To Help Out During Breast Cancer Month

"Some women are intimidated by doctors but they shouldn't be intimidated by me," said a deeply passionate Clinton.

Clinton said it will take some time to travel the country giving the free exams but "if it saves lives, it's worth it." While 1 out of 9 American women suffer from breast cancer, only one in 15 have been fondled by the president. Clinton is hoping to even those odds.

Clinton supporters say the president has long been a supporter of breasts and that this type of "hands-on" government is precisely what this country needs. They also note that the president has had plenty of experience so women should have no fear that he'll botch the job.

Clinton notes that the exams are not evidence that he supports big government, only that he supports big breasts.

Those who are interested in having a free exam, should contact the White House at (202) 456-1000. Don't ask for Hilary. 

Yugoslavia Breaks Up In Cup

Germany Annexes Portion of Team

In the 37th minute of play, the Yugoslavian backfield of Albanians revolted and formed a Kosovo squad which began keeping the ball in the backfield against both Germans and Yugoslavians.  Immediately following two Montenegro strikers declared themselves independent resulting in a flurry of yellow cards.

The major controversy came in the 53rd minute when Germany annexed several ethnic Germans from the Yugoslav side leaving but 5 Yugoslavian players and resulting in a red card against Germany for high kick and imperialism.

The German coach explained that the team needed futbolsraum and immediately left to visit the Czech team.

The United States threatened to intervene in the Yugoslavian situation if order was not maintained to which Ismet Marinovic, striker for the Croatians, quipped, "They just want to get someone on their team who can score."

FIFA has ruled that only the players still considering themselves Yugoslavians can continue in World Cup play and the rest of the squads will have to wait until 2002 to qualify. 

UN To Thin Out China

"It's open season now" Says Anan

John Franklin, U.S. Spokesperson for the U.N., called China's situation an "epidemic" and stated that things "needed to be taken care of quickly" in order to ensure peace in China.

"It's just like the deer," Franklin said. "If hunters did not kill as many of them as they do, those deer would start killing each other for food. They'd become overpopulated. This is happening to China as we speak."

Charleton Heston, President of the NRA, has been asked to lead the campaign. "I'm honored," replied Heston, cocking his Uzi. "I think a few Chinamen's heads in my trophy room would add the splash of color it needs."

But the campaign has to overcome quite a few obstacles before implementation: transportation being a major factor.

Jill Hardy, Director of Public Relations for United Airlines, announced a brief change in policy regarding weapons carried on board. "For the next six months," Hardy told the press, "security will allow those traveling to China to carry a maximum of three weapons on board with them, as long as they can be safely stored in the overhead compartments. Oversized weapons, such as Stinger Missiles and Mortars, will have to be checked in at the gate."

As to what constitutes a "weapon", Hardy noted that this would be determined on an individual case basis. For instance, five small hand grenades would count as 1 weapon. Extra ammunition would not count toward the maximum number of weapons one could carry aboard.

"We need to do all we can to help China right now," Spokesperson Franklin said. "1 out of every 4 people living in the world today lives in China. That's damn near 25 percent! If we don't act now, chaos might ensue and we cannot have that."

The UN is also planning on implementing a method to prevent a future population outbreak. For every five Chinese males killed, one living one will be castrated. 

APA Recommends New Therapy

Regimen Involves High Level Cell Manipulation

The regimen involves high level cell manipulation in the bloodstream using organic processes as developed by Drs. Amelia Parker and Harold Carrington at the National Institute for Mental Health.

The Doctors discovered that mentally violent rats were calmed substantially by a controlled serum depletion.  The treatment worked best when depletion levels were modeled on complex system waves.

"It was Dr. Parker, who noticed that the most effective depletion pattern resembled the complex patterns of organic interaction such as one might find in any human social interaction such as a sporting event," Said Carrington.

"I was watching World Cup Futbol," said Parker.

After trying several different computer models the team tried using an organic hosts natural rhythms to modulate the serum depletion levels.

"There were several species which provided extreme calming but the most successful was the Annelid Worm," said Carrington.

The medical team has received temporary permission from the APA and AMA to begin testing on extreme cases of human beings.  The treatment involves the utilization of 20 to 30 annelid worms working in conjunction to provide adequate serum depletion in a rhythm to provide a calming and stabilizing influence.